"I bought this Sharpie at Kmart! Woo hoo!"

According to BusinessWire.com, Kmart has become the exclusive presenting sponsor of all WWE live events in the U.S. through the rest of 2011. Didn’t Kmart shut down, like, 500 stores a few years ago, then get bought by Sears, which anchors failing shopping malls across America? But hey, who am I to tell Sears what to do… except take their charge card with 25% interest and shove it. Anyway…

As the exclusive presenting sponsor of WWE’s “Live Tour,” Kmart will be incorporated into all promotional elements of the live events including marketing materials, tickets and digital platforms. The partnership will also include in-program exposure, as well as :30 commercial units during WWE’s “Monday Night Raw®” on USA Network and “Friday Night SmackDown®” on Syfy. WWE will support the partnership by creating a microsite on WWE.com which will host several sweepstakes and exclusive offers; featuring ads in WWE Magazine and WWE event programs; and providing in-store appearances by WWE Superstars and Divas.

Let’s put this into real words: As John Cena continues to tell gay jokes and drive away sponsors in droves (oh wait, that’s Wade Keller’s prognostication), the USA Network and Comcast wanted some serious money from a sponsor, all locked in for the rest of the year. When Kmart/Sears stepped up to the plate, WWE was forced to throw in a bunch of value-added stuff, like weirdly juxtaposed ads into their magazines and programs, a microsite on WWE.com that no fan will ever go to (no matter how many Kenmore washers and Jaclyn Smith blouses they give away), and asking Jerry “The King” Lawler to take 30 minutes out of his weekly mall prowl to sign autographs across the street at Kmart. Good for everyone who’s making money on this, but it’s as strange of a fit as the Voit shoes my mom bought me from Kmart when I was 8 years old and was still a nerd. Thanks for nothing, Mom. -Eric