According to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy tweeted a million thank-yous to a million people, like a great actress accepting her Academy Award (except that Matt Hardy is a bad actor, a bad wrestler these days and kind of a schmuck by all accounts).

Thank you all SOO very much for all the support you’ve given me thru this hard time, like a Phoenix, I will rise above this all!

Here’s what Matt Hardy has in common with phoenixes: Ashes. As in, at the rate he’s going, Matt Hardy is likely going to die soon. And see, this goes right back to what we repeatedly point out: Every time this mush-mouthed, lazy-eyed sack of shit falls on his bloated face, he insists he’ll “rise above,” or it’s “not the last you’ve seen” of him, or that we shouldn’t “bet against” him. Sorry, I’d put my money on Lieutenant Dan in a hopscotch contest before I bet on Matt Hardy.

I have so many people to return calls to, text, DMs, & e-mails as well, and I eventually will.

You oughta, you have nothing else to do except eat Wendy’s and do drugs.

I appreciate the support from Jeff, Beth, Shane, Karen, My Dad, My Mother in heaven, my friends, My beautiful girlfriend Rebecca Reyes, Mrs. Dixie Carter, and all of my family, friends, fans. I love you and appreciate your support and prayers more than you could ever imagine!

In case you hadn’t heard yet, Matt Hardy has a girlfriend.

It’s really sad to look at the things that make up the entirety of Matt Hardy. If this rat Reby left him, his soul would be crushed no matter how many times he’d tweet “Matt Hardy still won’t die!” If someone cut off his Internet access, he’d probably slice his wrists before he got a library card. And since he got fired from TNA, he’s already been hospitalized once, and it’s not like you’re hearing about all of the bookings he’s picked up. So that’s Matt Hardy in a nutshell: a girl, the Internet, and pro wrestling. And Little Debbies.

Oh no… *now* I know why I hate him… he’s just like me!!! *sob* -Eric