Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw

LonghornI know I just watched Smackdown yesterday, but am I watching a repeat? Is it really Monday Night? If it weren’t for Byron Saxton at ring side, I would swear it was a repeat. Seth Rollins is in the ring with the usual suspects. I’m so glad The Andre The Giant Battle Royal Winner continues to mean nothing more than getting to be the vocal lackey for Rollins. Why does the “I’m the greatest champion of all time” line always get boos? Everyone uses it. I mean, The Ascension used that line for crying out loud! Randy Orton comes out to really make it sink in more that this is a repeat of Smackdown. Even though Kane continues to get mocked, for some reason he keeps pulling the Director of Operations card.

Orton gets to face Kane. They took a break no more than a minute into the match. Kane has the upper hand to try and make this match interesting. Orton hits the power slam and follows it up with a drop kick. Hanging DDT.  People seem to be digging Orton. Kane gets DQed when he nails Orton with a chair on the outside. Kane’s assault is short lived. Orton gets him to flee.

The WWE acknowledges that AJ Lee retired. Brad Maddox is back randomly. Seth Rollins and Kane bicker over who is at fault more. Kane thinks Rollins is afraid of Orton. HHH & Steph are somewhere, where there’s no communication. Rollins comes back for more. Kane puts him in a match. Didn’t they just fake a problem like this, oh, just a few weeks ago to trick Orton? Why should anyone believe it this time? Seth Rollins comes to the ring with J&J Security. They make us await his opponent.

They are still milking it. April is free. How many months are you going to make free? Wasn’t January free? I can’t even keep track any more. Neville is his opponent. Rollins mocks leading a cheer for Neville. He wonders if he should be in the ring with the champ. Neville kicks him in the gut. Rollins gets in a few lick. Neville comes back to lead us to a break. Rollins drop toe holds Neville down into the middle turn buckle. Rollins starts wearing him down. JBL calls him Adrian. Enziguri leads to a two count. Neville comes back with a jaw jack. Neville knocks down Rollins. Seth turns him around with a clothes line. Neville head scissors out of the buckle bomb. J&J runs distraction to prevent Neville from going up top. Rollins takes advantage and Curb Stomps him for the win. Rollins Curb Stomps him after the bell.

John Cena is pimping the US Title again. The WWE is delivering so far on making this belt seem important. Stardust steps up to the plate. I like the choice but like Dean Ambrose, the best he can do is look good but I’m not sure that does much for Stardust who is a known commodity at this point in his career. Ambrose still has something to prove. Stardust turns things around with a Disaster Kick. Stardust catches a leap frogging Cena and Alabama Slams Cena. Falcon Arrow by Cena. Stardust kicks Cena during “You Can’t See Me.” Stardust only gets two from a DDT. Moonsault by Stardust gets a two count. Cena catches him in an STF but Stardust gets to the ropes. Cena kicks out after another DDT. Cena with the new awkward spring board Stunner. AA for the win.

The Bellas are in the ring. Paige is half of the tag team against them. Naomi ends up being her partner. Nikki knocks down Paige on the outside while Brie distracts the ref. Oh my lord, Booker T can’t tell the Bellas apart still. Or it’s going to be a running joke. Naomi gets the hot tag. Rear View on Nikki but Brie makes the save. Paige tackles Brie out of the ring. Naomi with the head scissor DDT for the win. The Prime Time Players make fun of New Day again. They then mock The Ascension. Millions of Dollars Dance. They are much better than either of those tag teams. I’d freshen up the dance though.

Ryback is taking on Luke Harper. The match catches my eye when Harper super kicks Ryback outside the ring. Harper side slams Ryback back in the ring. Harper misses a charge and shoulders the post. Shellshock for a quick win. Harper still doesn’t lose as quickly as Rowan. Renee Young asks New Day about the “Sucks” chants. They are still talking about clapping. That is not an adequate response. Have them turn the page. It’s a perfect chance to change a terrible gimmick.

The Lucha Dragons are taking on New Day, Big E & Xavier Woods style.  They stomp away at Sin Cara. Woods with a cannon ball into the corner. Kalisto gets the hot tag really early. Kofi kicks Kalisto from the outside. Kalisto reverses a back drop into a head basher. Swanton on  Woods for the win. I hope New Day continues to try and cheat. They need to feed the chants. Losing will not help matters.

Roman Reigns is taking on Big Show again. The announcers pretend like they haven’t met before. The aprong drop kick by Reigns led to Big Show spearing him on the outside. That was the total sum of the match before the break. Big Show hits the middle rope splash for a change. He still only gets a two count. Big Show drop kicks Reigns into the barricade. Reigns barely beats the count. Reigns starts laughing at Big Show. Reigns shpwers in fore arms. Superman Punch is followed by another and a third. Big Show catches the fourth. Spear by Reigns for the win. Kane is greeted by Natayla, Summer Rae, Alicia Fox and Cameron. They campaign for the Divas to have a battle royal for the #1 contendership. Why do they think they can win? The battle royal isn’t until next week. I’ll be anticipating it all week. (If you don’t see the sarcasm in that statement, please stop reading the blog. Thank you.)

Sheamus comes down to the ring to address his change in attitude. He makes fun of Ziggler’s size again. I don’t get it. Ziggler isn’t that small. I understand the argument with Daniel Bryan. Mark Henry shows up to lose to Sheamus or at least take an ass kicking. Sheamus calls him a has been to raise Henry’s ire. Sheamus gets knocked out of the ring. Sheamus takes advantage there and rams Henry into the post. For some reason, Sheamus does Ten Beats. Sheamus knee lifts Henry on the ropes. Sheamus gets out of the WSS. Brogue Kick for the win.

Bray Wyatt is talking to us. We can not compete against the greatest power of all, fear. How can you be the new face of fear when you lost? Ryback is feeling bigger than ever. It is a bigger opportunity for him. Feed Me More. Short and sweet, just like Reigns. The Miz comes to the ring. I flip to the basketball game.

They have Damien Mizdow come down after a terrible preview of The Marine 4. You’re not being show cased. You’re being made to feel more important than you really are. Mizdow gets the upper hand early. The Miz tries to kick Mizdow low. He catches Miz and beats on him. Miz rolls up Mizdow with a handful of tights. Randy Orton is back stage. He’s ready to beat everyone tonight.

I’m expecting this match between Ryback, Randy Orton and Roman Reigns ends in a DQ caused by the Authority. Rollins ends up getting in a four way match at Extreme Rules. They take turns being dominant. The Authority appear on the ramp. All three are down when the Authority ambles down to the ring. Reigns crashes the party. Big Show KO punches Reigns. Orton drags Rollins into the ring. J&J makes the save. RKO on Ryback. Orton’s celebration is short lived. Rollins Curb Stomps him. – Kevin

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