Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw

From - It's St. Paul's Cathedral in London.

From – It’s St. Paul’s Cathedral in London.

I just finished bottling beer number two. It’s going to be a long night for this review.

As John Cena talks, I think back to an article on Dot Net that said the WWE could learn something from TNA about their fan support. I hope that article headline was inspired by “The Onion” or some such satire site. If not, Cena just pointed out that the O2 Arena is packed and you are a moron. Bad News Barrett answers the challenge. He gets to play to the crowd before he accepts.

The match starts after the break. The crowd is “throwing” Cena off. I’m not buying it. Barrett is getting to show his stuff, again. Hopefully he won’t get injured again. He has been in control for most of the match. He hits Wasteland for a near fall. Barrett winds up for the Bull Hammer. Pop up AA that Barrett kicks out of. Barrett pushes out of a second AA attempt. Barrett connects with a Bull Hammer. Cena kicks out. Cena ducks a second attempt. Cena hits the spring board Stunner. Second AA for the win. They did make Barrett look tough. Too bad he’s going to lose to Daniel Bryan too. Lana comes out. She keeps looking back for Rusev. He ends up attacking from behind with a chain. Their match will be a “Russian Chain Match.” Hmm, what does that entail?

Nikki & Brie Bella are on the head sets. We have a Divas Battle Royal. You’re welcome England. Paige and Naomi are the finalists. They do have to go with Naomi, right? Paige knee lifts Naomi but she’s on the apron. Naomi enziguris Paige. Paige side kicks Naomi twice. The second sends Naomi out of the ring. Paige wins, I’m wrong but I’m good with that. Naomi still has some work to do. The WWE points out that they’re morons and haven’t given Roman Reigns mic time since Wrestlemania.

Paige is geeked since she got to win at home. It is a rare feat for any WWE performer. Naomi ends up attacking Paige. I didn’t think Naomi would start doing the work in the next segment. Naomi beats down Paige. Bray Wyatt still gets promos because the WWE is art house. He is the new face of fear because he has a new vest? I’m shaking in my boots.

The Ascension is taking on the Lucha Dragons. Sin Cara starts against Victor. Sin Cara is really getting to show case his selling skills. Kalisto gives Victor the head scissors DDT. He drop kicks Connor out of the ring. Kalisto with Selina (Sp?) Del Sol followed by a Sin Cara Swanton for the win.

I like the rebound verbally for Roman Reigns. He’s sticking to the sports like analogies and saying he can do it. Unfortunately, we get confirmation that Big Show is feuding with Reigns. Roman accuses Big Show of having no balls. Reigns wants to retire him. Better than trying to kill him or some such nonsense. Big Show attacks Reigns from behind on the stage.

Randy Orton faces off against Cesaro who has Tyson Kidd & Natalya at ring side. Cesaro beats Orton to a chin lock. Kidd ends up grabbing Orton’s leg. The ref DQs Cesaro. Kane is very impartial but starts a 2 on one handicapped match.

Tyson Kidd screws up in England and he hears about it. Kidds boosts Orton into a Super Upper Cut. Kidd misses a leg drop. Cesaro gets power slammed out of the ring. Kidd goes for a spring board and gets RKOed for the win. Seth Rollins mocks Kane. He suggests Rollins beat Ziggler. Rollins wants to take on Jamie Noble. He directs Rollins at Kane for all of his failures.

Dean Ambrose is taking on Adam Rose. Ambrose makes short work of him. Slingshot Clothes line followed by Dirty Deeds gave him the win. Big Show talks to Kane. He tells him to follow orders. We do what we need to.

Fandango takes on Stardust in a “Who gives a care who wins?” match. Fandango nails a heel kick. Stardust dodges the top rope leg drop. Disaster Kick for the win. Fandango then does the pointing dance with the crowd. Smart move. Daniel Bryan comes in and talks to Kane. Bryan plays up the problem such a problem helped to end WCW. Kane screams at him to leave. Bryan tells him to be a man.

Seth Rollins came out first to enjoy Kane‘s “Dead Man’s Walk.” Kane slowly undresses. Kane ends up kicking out. Kane goozles J&J Security. Rollins yells at Kane. He slaps Rollins. After recovering, Rollins yells at Kane again. Kane choke slams Rollins. Kane starts to call for the Tomb Stone. Kane rolls Rollins on top of himself to lose. That was interesting.

The Miz is upset that Summer Rae is showing her wares for Damien Mizdow. The English crowd plays along with The Miz’s shenanigans taking off his ring attire. Mizdow does a lot of the Miz’s moves. The Miz gets in some offense. Mizdow rolls up the Miz for the win. They’re 1-1. Rubber match at the PPV? The Prime Time Players get to rip on another terrible gimmick, this time Los Matadores.

Ryback takes on Luke Harper. An early super kick by Harper leads to a near fall. Ryback recovers from a short beating and power bombs Harper. Luke goes out of the ring. Ryback follows. Harper cracks Ryback with the table top to DQ himself. Dean Ambrose attacks. Harper flees through the crowd. Naomi says this is all about her. She wonders why there was even a Battle Royal. She brings up her wins over Nikki. People have taken her kindness for weakness. She’s done waiting, she’s going to take it. Good stuff.

Dolph Ziggler lays out an open challenge. Neville answers it. Cool. Ziggler’s drop kick is the prominent move. Neville boots a charging Ziggler. Standing Moonsault only gets two. Ziggler with the Lawn Dart DDT. Commercial. Neville tosses Ziggler in the air for a flap jack. Top rope moonsault to the outside. Neville with a 450 splash off the barricade. Wow. Super kick by Ziggler. Neville kicks out at two. Neville dodges a charging Ziggler. Neville takes too long on the Red Arrow. Ziggler dodges Neville, who hits the post. Zig Zag for the win. Sheamus attacks Ziggler who was helping Neville up. Sheamus takes out Neville with a Brogue Kick. Sheamus mocks Ziggler with slaps. Dolph recovers and attacks Sheamus. Ziggler gets tossed into the post. Brogue Kick to Ziggler.

Seth Rollins and J&J Security come out and sit in some comfy chairs. He calls out Randy Orton. Seth Rollins stipulation is that no RKOs can be done. Orton chooses to fight in a steel cage, like it has ever kept anyone out. Orton attacks . Rollins escapes but Joey Mercury eats an RKO. – Kevin

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