Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw

The refurbished Flatiron Building in downtown Atlanta. From

The refurbished Flatiron Building in downtown Atlanta. From

After a five minute video package, Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar get into the ring. Heyman hypes seeing Lesnar as a challenger and not a champion. As Heyman is doing the future champion line, Seth Rollins and Kane interrupt. Rollins has been doing a fantastic job in the verbal department. Except the burning down Suplex City down line. Rollins said he did it already. How can you do it again? Kane is going to preside over the contract signing tonight. Heyman warns both of them that a trip to Suplex City will take place if they violate the 11th Commandment of Brock Lesnar.

It takes so long for the Ryback & Randy Orton against Sheamus & Big Show that they almost immediately go to commercial after the start of the match. Sheamus is getting beat down by Ryback. Sheamus pulls Ryback over the top rope to get control. Big Show got to come in and work over Ryback. Sheamus comes back in and gets whacked. Orton got to clear house at the tag. Sheamus turned it around before another break. Ryback gets a hot tag after the usual beat down though they haven’t lasted as long as they normally do. The Miz, who had been at the commentary booth, started distracting both Ryback & Big Show. Big Show ends up KO Punching Ryback. Show then chases The Miz back stage. Orton hits an RKO on Sheamus while the ref looks at the fleeing Superstars. Ryback recovers and hits the top rope splash for the win. Kane won’t tell Seth Rollins what the plan is. (Next Day Note: I can say they’ve done a better job of building up Ryback.Show/Miz but I care about it about the same amount as Orton vs. Sheamus, which is very little.)

Dean Ambrose is in the ring. Bray Wyatt does his usual entrance. Roman Reigns pops up behind Wyatt when the lights come up. Reigns beats down Wyatt. Bray cracks Reigns with the lamp to get separation and to flee. Good, we didn’t need to see that match again anyway. (Next Day Note: The WWE is burning through these feuds for all the young guys because no one is in place to let them climb the ladder.)

Nikki Bella gets to brag about how great she is. Alicia Fox & Brie Bella nod approvingly. They’re unstoppable. Stephanie McMahon interrupts. Women are making their mark. It’s time for a change in the Divas Division. All gum flapping until you do something about it Steph. They’re not bad examples with the US Women, Ronda Rousey and Serena Williams. Steph invites out Paige to represent the revolution of the Diva’s Division. Becky Lynch is Paige’s first partner. Charlotte is her other partner. Naomi & Tamina are angry. They get partnered with Sasha Banks. Why doesn’t she have her belt on? Time will still only tell if the WWE sticks with this. These women can all work. Steph wants to know who’s going to take the opportunity she put in front of all of them. The Divas have an all out brawl. The NXT Divas have Team Bella in their respective finishers. Team Bella get cleared from the ring and the other six argue more.

New Day makes fun of Atlanta’s failures and how they stay positive after all of them. On Sunday, Prime Time is out of time. These guys continue to crack me up. The Prime Time Players are joined with Mark Henry in a six man match. These introductions are also so long a commercial break takes place quickly. The participants get to do some big moves against each other. Mark Henry wins with a World’s Strongest Slam on Xavier Woods.

I didn’t pay much attention to R Truth taking on King Barrett because I was admonishing my dog. And I don’t care about either of them. Lie Detector quickly for a win. I just don’t get why Barrett isn’t trusted more than he is. Rusev and Dolph Ziggler recap.

John Cena is out for the US Open Challenge. Rusev is the one to answer the call. Kevin Owens is angry about this challenger too. Rusev trying to be funny by telling Owens he had two first names is just weird. I laughed, but it’s out of character to me. Cesaro comes out.

We get a three way match with all of the challengers. John Cena is on the head set. Good for him. He needs a night off from time to time. Rusev hits a cannon ball on Owens. He breaks up a pin attempt by Cesaro moments later. Owens (31) Cesaro (34) and Rusev (29) are the future according to the old guy Cena (38). (Next Day Note: I was expecting the ages to be a bit closer to Cena’s. Cesaro obviously doesn’t have much time to be “The Future” but the other two do even if Owens has an extensive past already.) This is a quick paced three way match with no one taking extended breaks to allow for extended one on one action. Cesaro German Suplex both Owens & Rusev. Rusev gets tossed to the outside. Cesaro hits a spinning plancha. Owens stops the Cesaro swing. He hits a middle rope moonsault on Rusev. Rusev fall away slams Cesaro. Rusev with an Alabama Slam on Owens. Cesaro kicks Rusev as he has the Accolade applied. I can’t even keep up with the action. All three keep getting offense in short flurries. Kevin Owens walks out of the match saying he’ll win the US Title on Sunday. Cesaro and Rusev keep battling. Rusev gets distracted by a Lana chant. Cesaro catches him on the top rope. Rusev fights out of the suplex. Rusev misses the diving head butt. Cesaro puts on the cross face. Spinning heel kick by Rusev. He goes for the Accolade. Cesaro fights out. Cesaro Swing into the Sharp Shooter. No break on the rope grab because of the triple threat rules. Cesaro launches himself for a Suicide Dive. Cesaro falls off the rope rope. Rusev super kicks Cesaro for the win.

John Cena is a dick so he is taking on Rusev after a brutal match. I didn’t pay much attention to this one until Cena gets caught in the Accolade. Why is Cena not able to fight out? Oh, so that Kevin Owens can interfere and cause a DQ. (Next Day Note: If the WWE wonders why people don’t buy into selling, all you need to do is watch this match.) Kane is talking to an extra when comes in worrying again. If the plan doesn’t work, it’s on Kane according to Seth Rollins. Seriously, we needed that skit?

Stardust makes a reappearance. He knows that the forces of gravity haven’t forgotten Neville. They hype it like a comic book match with the according graphics. Stardust is starting to use the Side Effect. Neville fights back with his quick strike offense. Neville goes for a variety of pinning combinations. Stardust ends up grabbing the tight on a roll through to score the pin. Welcome to the Battleground pre-match.

I understand why this is your closing segment but why did you have the same exact promo from earlier tonight from Seth Rollins? My guess is because there is nothing more to say about this match. Brock Lesnar even looks intimidating sitting in a comfy office desk. Paul Heyman saves his better material for the main event. Smart man. Even if some of it a repeat. Rollins signs the contract. Lesnar signs the contract. Lesnar flips the table. He finds an axe handle. He puts it on the table and sits down. Rollins slowly grabs the axe handle. Lesnar laughs. Lesnar attacks with the table. The odds end up going against him somewhat quickly. Rollins tries to go for the Pedigree on the steps. Lesnar dumps Rollins. Lesnar takes out Kane. Rollins runs through the crowd. Lesnar slams Kane’s ankle on the steps with the top of the steps. Lesnar has a hold of the WWE Title. So, what kind of screw ball finish do we get on Sunday? Rollins isn’t taking the loss with all the odds stacked against him. I thought that was the end of the show. Rollins comes out and brags more. Um, okay. Now he’s just being a dick yelling at Kane. So they got the band back together to only break them up a few weeks later? (Next Day Note: I know the champ is supposed to be in peril but this feels like Randy Orton in the Authority all over again.) – Kevin

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