Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 18 April ’16

The Globe Theater saved from

The Globe Theater saved from

I always appreciate taped shows from London since they tend to run on time and quickly. Dean Ambrose kicks off the show. After cracking a few jokes, Shane McMahon is introduced as the first official Ambrose Asylum. Shane tells us that “the fans” are what is important to him. He rattles off some fan favorites. Kevin Owens isn’t fooled though. Owens defense is that he was honest. That logic is stupid. Sami Zayn comes  out and reminds OWens that he was signed by the WWE before Owens was. Chris Jericho is mad at Shane too. Ugh, please can we not make this about a McMahon for the heels? Is that too much to ask? Shane ends up making matches at Payback that you could see coming, Jericho vs Ambrose and Zayn vs Owens.

We get a Sami Zayn vs Chris Jericho match that was revealed exclusively on Facebook. I’m still not starting my show on time guys. I think the spring moonsault is cool but too many of Zayn’s opponents are waiting for it to happen like Jericho. Y2J was in control at the commercial. The match picks up when Zayn fights out of the Walls. Jericho turns it back around with a face buster. Zayn puts the knees up on a Lionsault. Zayn follows up with a Blue Thunder Bomb. Jericho drop kicks Zayn coming off the ropes. He followed with the Walls of Jericho. Zayn broke the hold by reaching the ropes. Zayn gets in his through the middle ropes DDT on the outside. Zayn is stomping on Jericho when the ref breaks it up. Jericho gets in an eye poke. He follows it up with a Code Breaker for the win.

Mauro Ranallo interviews AJ Styles. The interview barely starts when Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows. They’re going to make the most of their opportunities. They leave all kinds of chummy.

Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady come out. Amore gives us a riddle that ends by calling the Dudley Boyz as duds. S-A-W-F-T! The Dudley Boyz come out for the semi-finals match. Didn’t they just say that The Vaudvillians vs The Usos was a first round match later tonight? Amore is taking the beating as usual. Bubba Ray talking trash is even funnier given the situation.  Big Cass finally gets the hot tag. It ends with the suplex neck breaker. Cass ducks out of the way. He follows up with a big boot. Rocket Launcher for the win.

The crowd doesn’t particularly like Roman Reigns. He’s not a good guy, he’s not a bad guy, he’s thee guy. Were the fans chanting “Goldberg” or “Boring”? It amuses me quite a bit that the WWE won’t use the letters TNA when referring to AJ Styles. Styles says he’s going to need to have the match of his life to beat Reigns. He’s confident though that he can have that against Reigns. I’m going with “Boring.” Umm, Styles isn’t exactly blowing away the mic. Reigns would rather be respected with the Belt than liked without it. Styles says that he’d rather be respected and liked with the belt because that’d make him Phenomenal. Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows attack.

Roman Reigns is about to be interviewed when AJ Styles interrupts. Reigns doesn’t believe that Styles had nothing to do with the attack. Styles leaves looking frustrated.

Fandango is in the ring to take on Baron Corbin. Dolph Ziggler is on the head set. Corbin ignores Ziggler like any reasonable person would in a fight. End of Days for the win, quickly. Ziggler rushes into the ring and gets greeted with a big boot. Ziggler rolls out of the ring. Corbin finishes him off with the End of Days on the floor again. Ziggler is just getting his ass handed to him.

I didn’t stop for the Puerto Ricans newest video clip. The Miz & Maryse start off Miz TV by running down the crowd and making out. Cesaro interrupts him. I’d be perfectly clear with Cesaro dropping the sun glasses from his new get up. The Miz is making up a fake phone call that is probably his best promo in years. Cesaro gives the Miz Rowdy Roddy Piper’s line about bubble gum and ass kicking. The Miz reminds him that his match is against Rusev. Cesaro then informs us that it’s going to be an eight man match instead.

Cesaro & The New Day vs The LEague of Nations & The Miz – I’m just shocked that New Day isn’t going to talk this week. Cesaro gets the hot tag. Cesaro gets a two count on a cross body. The Miz breaks up a Big Swing attempt. Poor Xavier Woods is just getting his ass kicked tonight. After the spot where everyone hits their finisher, Cesaro connects with the Goc Neutralizer for the win.

Mauro Ranallo gets more interview time. Charlotte & Ric Flair are the guests this time. Mauro hasn’t achieved anything except announcing everything you could possibly want to. Natalya informs her that they have a match at Payback and Bret “The Hitman” Hart will be in her corner.

Becky Lynch, Sasha Banks, Natalya and Paige are taking on Charlotte, Summer Rae, Tamina & Naomi. Charlotte tags out to Summer before the action starts with Nattie. Paige hitting a rolling senton onto Tamina gets the party started…for a break. Lynch is taking the beating when we return. Lynch creates an opening but Naomi drags her away. Lynch breaks away and tags in Nattie. Natalya is ready to pin Charlotte when everyone gets involved. Nattie & Charlotte are left in the ring. Sharpshooter for the tap out win.

I didn’t stop for that vignette on the Puerto Ricans either. I was wrong about the Vaudevillains vs The Usos is also a semi-finals match. I love the Sponsored By: Booty O’s” box in the the lower right of the screen. Jimmy is taking the beating early despite being the healthy Uso. Jey gets tagged in for at least a mini-hot tag. Jey super kicks EAiden English coming off the top ropes. Simon Goc disposes of Jimmy. Jey connects on Goc.  English kicks him on his way back into the ring. Whirling Dervish for the win. All NXT in the finals.

Apollo Crews wants to be left alone by The Social Outcasts so he will join the group if he loses to one of them tonight. If Crews wins, they have to leave him alone forever. Heath Slater is his opponent. This is perfect use of the lower card. Adam Rose is not being addressed on TV at least. If he was, I missed it. Slater does get in some offense. It would help for the leader to have some level of competency. The London crowd not enamored with Crews. Slater almost gets the win on a roll up. Spinning Sit Down Power Bomb for the win. Kevin Owens music hits as Crews greets fans. Nothing happens.

The main event is Kevin Owens vs Dean Ambrose. They fight into the announce area to send it to the break. Owens connects with a Cannon Ball. Ambrose fights back with punches. Owens dodges a charge and sends Ambrose over the top. Owens frog splashes him from the apron. Owens stomps on Ambrose on his way back into the ring. Ambrose fights out of a Superplex. Owens falls down the gets out of the ring. Ambrose connects with the elbow on the outside. After some reversals, a Lunatic Lariat connects. Ambrose gets in the middle rope Superplex. Both are slow to recover. Ambrose counters the Pop Up Power Bomb. Owens turns it into a super kick. Owens gives Ambrose a Death Valley Driver off the middle rope. Owens goes for the splash again but Ambrose puts up his knees. A second Cannon Ball misses. Dirty Deeds for the win. Steve Austin is happy. Chris Jericho comes in and gives Ambrose a Code Breaker. He stands over the fallen Ambrose. – Kevin

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