Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 9 May ’16

Joslyn Castle saved from

Joslyn Castle saved from

The WWE starts us off a review of last week’s main event. We then get to be amused by Michael Cole having to tell us that Chris Jericho assaulted Dean Ambrose with Mitch the Plant, a regular on the Ambrose Asylum show. I’m an adult that watches a show that leads off with that recap. Mitch the Plant is more over than most of the wrestlers. Jericho says that he’s a talent that only comes around once every 76 years. He’s on a roll recently. Big Cass interrupts that roll. I don’t get the analogy that Cass goes for. I’m sure it’s because I’m older than Cass. Cass tells Jericho that he’s got it all wrong about the New Era. They stand and fight. Cass offers to fight right now. Naturally, Jericho acts like he’ll fight then backs down. Jericho runs back to the ring after being called “Sawft” and gets a big boot for his pleasure.

Jericho runs into Stephanie McMahon back stage. He complains about the New Era and how Shane McMahon is at fault for it. Steph admits that it was Shane who caused the environment but she likes it. She makes a match between Jericho and Big Cass for the main event. Sounds like a 9 or 10 PM main event, not thee main event.

Nothing much happened between Dolph Ziggler and Baron Corbin before the break. Corbin did get an inset promo which was okay at best. The WWE gets it right this time with Corbin and Ziggler. Baron dominated a majority of the match with small hope spots for Ziggler. The End of Days won it for Corbin. I still think Ziggler should have been an opponent after some squashes but hey, at least they gave the win to Corbin this time.

Charlotte & Ric Flair try to get Shane McMahon to over rule Stephanie’s ruling about Flair at ring side at Extreme Rules but Shane turns them down. Shane also bans Flair from ring side tonight.

AJ Styles gets to talk while Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows are there. Styles talks about how he could have crushed Reigns with a chair but took the high road. He got tossed through the announcer’s table for the decision. Styles says that “The Club” is back together.

R Truth is taking on Fandango with Tyler Breeze & Goldust at ring side. This story is still happening with all of the other good story lines going like the one I typed about above. R Truth benefits from running into his own partner. Face Plant for the Truth win.

Shane & Stephanie are being verbally assaulted by Cesaro, Kevin Owens & the Miz. Sami Zayn offers to fight the Miz for a chance to make Extreme Rules a Fatal Four Way. Shane & Steph agree to the stipulation. Even Shane is starting to wonder why Steph is acting so pleasant.

Natalya is on the head set. Charlotte is out for a match with Paige. Paige struts like Flair after knocking Charlotte to the floor. For some reason, Natalya answers Cole very strangely when he asks what happens if she loses without Flair at ring side. She thought it is a joke of a question by answering with a weather report. Cole isn’t the heel announcer. A Superplex by Paige gets my attention. JBL finally starts in on Natalya, which he should have done earlier. Paige goes for the PTO but Charlotte gets to the ropes. Charlotte puts her legs on the ropes when Natalya jumps up on the apron. Ric Flair comes out and distracts everyone. Paige rolls up Charlotte for the victory. By the way, are they making fun of Flair for his “incident” at the airport by having him act crazy? He’s helped Charlotte but not been crazy.

Sami Zayn is ready to take on The Miz with Maryse. Zayn is taking the offense to Miz early and often in this match. Maryse barks at Zayn as we head to break. Zayn gets back dropped out of the ring. As he does so, he smacks his face on the apron. The Miz takes it to Zayn. The Miz locks in the Figure Four but Zayn makes it to the bottom rope. The Miz tries to grab the rope for leverage but the referee catches him. Exploder Suplex into the corner by Zayn. Helluva Kick for the win.

Becky Lynch has to talk about her injured eye. Emma claims to have eye poked her by accident. Lynch is going to give her a Lass Kicking. Emma comes into the shot and tells Becky that she needs someone to watch her back. Dana Brooke assaults her from behind. Brooke is keeping that dumb head pat thing. Glad she seems to be the muscle of the group now. Better arrangement.

Darren Young looks to have slimmed down. Young needed a guiding light. He forgot to look right in front of him. Young asks Bob Backlund to be his Life Coach. “Make Darren Young Great Again” is a ridiculous slogan on so many levels.

New Day, Sasha Banks and Dolph Ziggler all do one long commercial for Pizza Hut.

Zack Ryder wants to not just “Be here.” Kevin Owens comes in and complains about not getting a fair shot at the Intercontinental Title. Shane McMahon makes a match between the two for Owens’s spot in the Fatal Four Way at Extreme Rules.

Kalisto comes out with Sin Cara is at ring side. Lana introduces Rusev. Rusev rag dolled Sin Cara for much of the match. Kalisto jumped up on the apron while the ref was distracted with Lana. Sin Cara rolled up Rusev for the win.

The Club takes on The Samoans. Karl Anderson starts off against Jey Uso. Roman Reigns makes a short appearance to take over on Anderson. Jimmy comes in for a spell. Jey gets back in. He gets kicked off of a roll up into a right hand by Luke Gallows who was on the floor. Anderson rolls up Jey for the elimination. Gallows and Reigns have a short lived scrap until Jimmy tags in. Gallows gains control and tags in Anderson. Anderson barks at Jimmy. Uso rolls up Anderson for the second elimination. We missed Jimmy getting eliminated. Gallows got eliminated with a Superman Punch so quickly that they can’t even do a “You missed this elimination during the commercial break” inset video. Styles cleans off the announcer desk to put Reigns through it. Reigns recovers and tosses Styles over the desk. Karl Anderson makes the match a DQ by attacking Reigns with a chair from behind. The Usos and Anderson & Gallows get in a brawl. Anderson & Gallows get the upper hand. Reigns takes out Anderson & Gallows with spears. Styles comes and and takes over. Reigns fights out of a Styles Clash that was going to end up on a chair. Reigns & Styles can’t decide who is going to use the chair so they slowly separate.

Zack Ryder is ready to take on Kevin Owens. Owens goes on the attack to start the match. Owens barks at Michael Cole. Ryder recovers and takes over. Owens rolls out of the ring during a Broski Boot attempt. Ryder takes the fight to the outside. Ryder connects with a top rope elbow for a two. Owens tosses Ryder over when he goes for a Rough Ryder. Pop Up Power Bomb for the win.

Renee Young gets to talk to Big Cass. He’s dedicating this match to Enzo Amore. He’s going to be the only one standing in the room. How you doin’?

New Day comes out while the Vaudevillains. New Day has corrupted the WWE Tag Team Championships. They want to bring back a by gone era. New Day worships the last Booty O. Big E tells us that the by gone era wasn’t good to their people, which were smart phone users, of course. We see what you did there. New Day…Rocks.

The Dudley Boyz took on Kofi Kingston & Big E. Kingston is taking a beating when we get back. Kingston breaks away with a drop kick. Kingston gets back in and keeps getting his ass kicked. Big E gets back in and kicks ass. Unicorn Stampede. The Vaudevillains attack Xavier Woods from behind. Kofi gets distracted. Devon clothes lines him for the win. Aiden English & Simon Gotch attack after the match.

Big Cass comes to the ring. Jericho’s music hits and the lights go down. “Someone” attacks Jericho in the dark. To no one’s surprise, Dean Ambrose is the culprit. Except for those poor bastard announcers. Ambrose starts ripping apart Jericho’s jacket which he stole during the assault.  Jericho hits the ring and ends up getting the upper hand. Jericho runs into Big Cass. He beats up Jericho and tosses him back into the ring. Dirty Deeds by Ambrose. Dean ends up cutting the jacket in half. No match.

Shane & Stephanie are back stage and they agree that things are running smoothly. Shane takes a call. Stephanie stares at the picture of Shane & Vince. Hmmm. – Kevin

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