Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Fastlane – 5 March ’17

Pabst Theater in Milwaukee WI. Designed by Otto Strack. Saved from

Samoa Joe vs Sami Zayn – This match was exactly what everyone thought it should be. Valiant Zayn fights off the bigger and stronger Joe but ultimately succumbs to the Kokina Clutch for the tap out win.

I know I missed a segment with Bayley but had to refresh my feed. It’s running much smoother now so I’ll take the missed segment.

Enzo Amore and Big Cass get a segment when they come to the ring ripping on Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson for being bald. This match was also exactly what you expected. Big Cass runs the show to start, Enzo takes a beating for a long time, hot tags Cass. He cleans house and they connect on the Boom Shacka Lacka. Gallows pulls Enzo out of the ring. Cass gets tossed into the barricade. Enzo jumps onto Gallows on the outside. Anderson catches Enzo coming back in. Anderson makes the cover but the referee doesn’t see Enzo’s foot on the rope. Gallows & Anderson high tail it and celebrate the tainted victory.

I’m committed to missing the skits because of my hiccuping service. Something involving Mick Foley and possibly a missing Stephanie McMahon occurred.

Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax – This match also played out like everyone thought, except for the ending. Banks had the Bank Statement locked in but Jax powered out. She then gave Banks a nasty looking spine buster followed up by a leg drop to the back. Banks kicks out. Banks rolls up Jax and bridges for the win. That surprised me but does help keep Sasha in the equation if they go four woman Championship match at Wrestlemania.

Cesaro vs Jinder MahalSheamus and Rusev along with Lana were at ring side. I must have missed the part where Mahal beat up Rusev on the outside prior to the match. Rusev recovered just at the time when Mahal was looking for victory. Cesaro capitalizes and gives him a Pop Up Uppercut for the win.

Rusev comes into the ring and beats up Mahal and tosses him from the ring. The Big Show‘s music hits. Rusev gets in a respectable amount of offense in this match of very large men. For the first time in a long time, the crowd wants Show to Choke Slam Rusev for a third time. He follows it up with a WMD to a prone Rusev in the corner. That’s a serious dick move in my book. Big Show drags him to the middle of the ring for the pin.

Neville vs Jack Gallagher – This match might be the first Cruiser Weight match on a Raw or PPV that really was awesome. This match was very good. They gave Gallagher plenty of offense and really sold his head but but Neville finished him with Red Star, which the announcers noted hasn’t been used much recently which was a nice punch up for that already special move. I like the outcome too. The Division needs a longer reigning champion.

Paul Heyman states the obvious that Brock Lesnar wins for his match at Wrestlemania because either Kevin Owens points out a flaw and beats Goldberg or Lesanr gets to wrestle for the Universal Championship.

New Day comes out for a skit with a bicycle that will double as an ice cream dispenser. I was not excited, bay bee!

Braun Strowman vs Roman Reigns – One could argue that the mistakes of Braun Strowman proved to be his undoing more than anything that Reigns threw his way. Strowman ran himself into three posts (one outside, one with a shoulder and one on a corner splash) and the ending. Of course it’s always a combination of both of them. Seeing Strowman dive across the ring was something though that really cements that line of thinking. It was impressive to see someone his size do that. Reigns got to capitalize with a Spear for the win. It’s about the only logical way to have Reigns win and not have Strowman look weak.

Charlotte vs Bayley for the Raw Women’s Championship – This match had it all but will certainly be remembered for it’s ending. Sasha Banks came down and interfered in the match, unknown to Bayley. It certainly is a point that Charlotte will hang on to going forward. It is odd to me though that they’re painting Bayley as not squeaky clean. That’s her thing, isn’t it? Why would you want to destroy that? Bayley wins A Bayley to Belly inside the ring after one on the outside because of Sasha Banks.

I didn’t realize I didn’t write about the main event between Goldberg and Kevin Owens. This match was brilliant. Owens ends up walking around the ring to give us “a match” but as soon as he getss in the ring Chris Jericho’s music hits and Owens is distracted. Spear and Jackhammer and Goldberg is your new Universal Champion. Just works out perfectly. Owens saves face, Goldberg doesn’t have to work a match. Jackpot. – Kevin DiFrango

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