Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 3 April ’17

The Dr. P. Phillips House in Orlando FL. Saved with a copyright to Jim Thompson.

We start of with a video package recapping the main event of Wrestlemania between Roman Reigns and The Undertaker. The crowd keeps chanting “Undertaker.” I’ll laugh when Reigns music hits. He’s still getting boos and that’s just fine by him. Even getting the “Fuck You”chant. Stay classy Raw after Wrestlemania crowd. Stay classy. He even gives the palm of his hand and this dumb crowd is still booing. “This is my yard now” and walks out. I love Roman Reigns.

I feel bad for Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson. Just when they could have gotten on track the greatest tag team of all time comes back. Matt & Jeff Hardy are even announced as having made “a triumphant return” as Gallows & Anderson stand there trying to look tough. The Hardyz had the upper hand at the break but Matt was being worked over after it. The announcers sure do sound like they’re trying to squash the “Broken Universe” by talking about their history. Jeff gets a hot tag but it doesn’t last long. Jeff takes a Boot of Doom and kicks out. Matt tags himself in. Twist of Fate. Swanton. Cover by Matt for the win and effective burial of Gallows & Anderson.

The one moment from HHH vs Seth Rollins that I forgot to mention on the podcast recap of Wrestlemania was that Stephanie McMahon going through a table isn’t her comeuppance because for that to happen, it needs to happen at the hands of the aggrieved party which would be the belittled women of Raw. Did she show “some ass” as the wrestling term go, yes but she didn’t get comeuppance.

Neville is patting himself on the back for beating Austin Aries last night. His finishing words get interrupted by Mustafa Ali. The announcers are doing two things this match – acting like Ali booked this match himself and talking about Aries like he’s in Neville’s review mirror. The crowd starts batting around a beach ball and chanting about it. What a bunch of idiots. Ali eats mat on the inverted 450. Neville goes for a Red Arrow but then jumps off the top rope. Rings of Saturn for the win.

Vince McMahon says that there will be “shake up” between the brands. Stephanie will be out of action for several weeks after the table spot. He needs to fill the GM vacancy on Raw. Teddy Long comes out because it was a Hall of Fame inductee. Vince has to announce Kurt Angle three times for some reason and looks exasperated. Was that planned? If so, why? I mean, the truck had to get the queue after the second announcement, right? The crowd continues the “You suck” chants followed by cheering. So he’s not managing American Alpha, huh? I wish they could find ways to shake up the rosters without these contrived events. Sports teams don’t just trade one day in the year.

New Day comes out to recap Wrestlemania since they were hosts. They also issue an open challenge. The Revival answers the challenge. They knock over the popsicle cart. Xavier Woods and Big E are the pair in the match. Not surprisingly, Woods is taking the beating. They are working over his arm. A top rope drop kick gets Woods an opening to hot tag Big E. He ends up missing on a spear through the ropes but Woods tagged in. He doesn’t notice Dash Wilder tagging in. Dawson eats a boot but ends up but connects with a Shatter Machine to win. They end up breaking Kofi Kingston‘s ankle which is a weird spot for the crowd who wants to cheer them.

Enzo Amore & Big Cass introduce themselves to Kurt Angle. He gives them a match for number one contender’s match against Cesaro & Sheamus later in the night. And realizes they don’t spell sawft correctly. Comedy abounds everywhere.

Dana Brooke, Sasha Banks & Bailey are taking on Emma, Nia Jax & Charlotte. The only thing of note is the new angle with Charlotte and Jax after the match. Charlotte tapped out to the Bank Statement (which could lead to it’s own thing since the announcers talked about Sasha not turning on Bayley) but then pushes around Emma & Jax after the match. Jax ends up flattening Charlotte to set up a feud.

Sami Zayn talks to Kurt Angle. Zayn babbles. Angle tells him he has the three Is. Jinder Mahal barrages in because he’s upset at Gronk. He gives them a match against each other.

Brock Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman. He gives us a personal bed time story from Lesnar. I just don’t think this fairy tales is one of Heyman’s better promos. Goldberg is still 2-1 against Lesnar along with eliminating him from the Royal Rumble. People are not liking the idea of Roman Reigns being Lesnar’s next opponent. Braun Strowman enters the equation. Short & sweet from the giant. He’s going to finish off Reigns then shoves the Title shoulder of Brock. Lesnar lays down the belt and raises his arms. Strowman backs down.

Chris Jericho wants to be “Cheered on maaaaaaaan.” He’s ready to start getting his revenge on Kevin Owens. The tip of Kevin Owens‘s finger gets put over big time. Owens ends up attacking Jericho. Samoa Joe joins in the fray. Jericho gets power bombed through a table.

Kurt Angle promises Seth Rollins that he will find him a partner tonight.

Cesaro & Sheamus are taking on Enzo Amore & Big Cass. Sheamus looks so roughed up from the ladder match yesterday. Enzo DDTs Sheamus and both of them stay down. Cass isn’t on the apron because of a skirmish outside the ring. Cesaro tags in and gives Enzo the Big Swing. Cesaro locks in the Sharp Shooter. Big Cass boots him. Enzo recovers to get the tag. Cass cleans house. Enzo tags in for Boom-Shacka-Lacka. Sheamus Brogue Kicks Cass. Sheamus rocket launches Enzo into an uppercut for the win.

Sami Zayn & Jinder Mahal have their match. Mahal attacked Zayn as he was dancing on the apron. Mahal works him over before the match even starts. Despite that, Zayn connects with a Helluva Kick in short order to win the match.

Samoa Joe & Kevin Owens come out first. Seth Rollins is up next. Just be patient crowd. You got your Finn Balor. He certainly is not worried about that shoulder after throwing a drop kick to Owens to drive him into the barricade. Rollins connects with a suicide dive on Owens then a Flip onto Owens & Joe. I got distracted by my hatred of the crowd for doing the wave during this match. They were calling for Balor earlier then they blow off his match? Use whatever derogatory comment for them you want. It’s worth it. Rollins ends up taking a beating so that Balor can get in his other usual spots including the Sling Blade. Balor with the Coup de Grace for the win. – Kevin DiFrango

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