Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 5 June ’17

Mohegan Sun at Pocono

The WWE starts off with the usual video package. It highlight’s Samoa Joe’s win last night  at Extreme Rules. He isn’t coming out yet though. We get Bray Wyatt first. I’m sure he’s going to find some silver lining in yet another loss. Naturally, he’s still a god. All of the participants in last night’s match are guilty. They must all be punished one by one. He decides that Roman Reigns is his first target. So Reigns comes out at an Undertaker like pace. Wyatt is ready to speak and Reigns snags the mic from him. Reigns tells him not to run his mouth in his yard. Reigns gives him a big uppercut.

The match starts and little happens before the commercial. Wyatt is in control after it. Reigns turns it around. For some reason, he thinks a Big Boot will keep Wyatt down. I will never be scared of someone doing a back arch in a wrestling match. They make it awfully easy to be kicked in the face. Reigns power bombs Wyatt but can’t take advantage of it. Wyatt side steps a Superman Punch but eats one on the rebound. Reigns calls for the Spear. Wyatt ducks out of the ring. Wyatt is met with a Drive By. Wyatt drills a clothes line on Reigns. Both barely beat the count out. Superman Punch and Spear finishes off Wyatt decisively.

Charlie interviews Enzo Amore & Big Cass. Amore makes a good crack about Corey Graves hair. Big Cass again makes the case for him being the attacker by defending his innocence a little too strongly.

Alexa Bliss wants congratulations from Kurt Angle. He isn’t giving them to her. Thank goodness, Angle shuts down thoughts of This Is My Life Part 2. Angle gives her a match against Nia Jax.

Elias Samson makes fun of Dean Ambrose for losing last night. Ambrose whacks Samson with the mic. Ambrose calls out the Miz who pops up on screen. He isn’t wrestling tonight. Samson attacks Ambrose from behind. Swinging Neck Breaker to finish. Ambrose wants his rematch but Kurt Angle won’t give it to him tonight. He tells Ambrose to take the night off.

Samoa Joe vs Brock Lesnar forces all of the announcers to say Great Balls of Fire. Vince McMahon is laughing much more than me somewhere. Samoa Joe does not fear Lesnar. He is however envious of him. He wants to take everything from him. Paul Heyman comes down and talks up Joe up. He even mentions his infatuation with the Finn Balor story. After wrapping up another eloquent promo comparing the competitiors, Joe corners Heyman. He talks to him without a mic which gives it such a different vibe. Joe slaps on the Kokina Clutch to send a message to Brock.

Angle is wondering what the hell Samoa Joe was doing to Heyman. Joe goes face to face with Angle. Seth Rollins interrupts and gets a match with Joe tonight.

Sheamus & Cesaro are fighting Heath Slater & Rhyno. Didn’t they break up? Brogue Kick in short order. Remember when Slater & Rhnyo were over big? Yeah, me neither. They get the mic after the match. Good thing they’re both great in the ring.

TJ Perkins wants his Championship match against Neville now that Aries is out of the picture. If Perkins wins tonight, he gets his shot. Mustafa Ali is his opponent. A big tornado DDT by Ali gets my attention. He tries for the inverted 450. Detonation Kick for the win. Neville comes out on the ramp and tells TJP his match was turned down. TJP walks away and Neville attacks. He then tells TJP that the Title match will be on 205 Live.

Goldust is back to making vignettes. I’m glad he’s getting paid but I’m not sure why I don’t blow through these segments.

Sasha Banks is chatting with Mickie James & Dana Brooke. When Bliss comes in, Banks scoofs and takes off. Bliss tries to make a “Welcoming Party” of her own. Oddly, James & Brooke laugh at her but will be at ring side. Doesn’t that usually indicate interference?

Kurt Angle pulls Corey Graves off air again. Nashville went up 2-1. Graves blows off Michael Cole. Kalisto comes to the ring.

Kurt Angle leaves the arena. Dean Ambrose comes back in.

Now Titus O’Neil comes out with Apollo Crews. That gives Kalisto his opponent finally. O’neil tries to grab the tights during a pin. Kalisto grabs the trunks for the win.

This week, Big Cass is laid out. How did they lose each other? They are terrible at sticking together. Cass doesn’t know who did it, but he had a big thick chain in his hands. Enzo says that was at the crime scene last week. The referees tell Enzo he needs to get his own new partner.

Maryse introduces The Miz. The Miz gets a “You deserve it” chant. He shoots that down as well as he can. He gives a toast to himself. The Miz & Maryse realize that neither of them paid for the jumping bear. The Miz attacks the Bear. He is unveiled but isn’t Ambrose. A present comes down to the ring. The Miz attacks it despite Maryse’s cries. The Miz finds a broken grandfather clock in the box, which was entirely too big unless they didn’t show the base of the clock. Maryse runs off in tears. Ambrose dressed as a camera man pops up behind a wailing Miz. Dirty Deeds.

Enzo Amore does his thing as Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson wait in the ring. The Big Show is his partner. The Big Show looks annoyed by Enzo doing his thing on the mic. Show relents and does “SAWFT.” Big Show tosses Enzo into Anderson for the pin. What a weird ending, it looked like Show would turn on Enzo again. Big Cass gets salty with Big Show back stage. Big Show backs out of hanging out in the casino.

R Truth does another Shaft vignette with some Pulp Fiction thrown in.

Alexa Bliss gets more mic time. I like her and all but Nia Jax didn’t get one of those spots? Mickie James & Dana Brooke get in an argument. James punches Bliss which causes a DQ. They belatedly attack Bliss. Jax attacks all of them. Bliss slithers away. Jax gets attacked by Brooke & James. She lays out both of them.

Paul Heyman wants Brock Lesnar to unleash “The Beast.”

Seth Rollins jumps out to the early offense. Joe shuts him down with a running back elbow. Joe kicks Rollins going for a Suicide Dive. Joe shakes Rollins from doing a spring board. Spinning kick gets us to a break. Rollins gets dumped going to the ropes a second time. Jow power slams Rollins for a near fall. Rollins gets an opening with an enziguri. Rollins uses his speed to hit a pair of suicide dives with a Sling Blade in between. Rollins uses his power to give him a Falcon Arrow. Bray Wyatt’s entrance hits. Rollins looks around for him. Samoa Joe is able to lock in the Kokina Clutch for the win. Someone gets to break their losing streaks between Rollins & Wyatt. – Kevin

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