Dude, just stay home and wail on those guts. Unless she married you for your money, which you sure ain't making off "Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia" residuals.

According to Prowrestling.net, Ahmed Johnson Mr. Kennedy told the UK Sun he’s at 95 percent health following recent shoulder surgery, but he wouldn’t be able to cough up the other 5 percent in time for WrestleMania. Pussy.

“It’s terrible,” he said. “I’ve been with the company for four years. This is my fourth WrestleMania. It’s the second one I’ll be riding the pine for. It’s like your team goes to the Super Bowl and you get to sit on the bench and watch. You get a ring, but you don’t really feel like you earned it.”

Waaah. Honestly, the thrill is gone and the luster is off. I used to be a huge Mr. Kennedy fan — shit, I used to think he was a shoe-in at world title status at one point — but he’s spent more time out of sight and ot of mind than a bottle of mouthwash in a TNA fan’s bathroom. It will take a hell of an effort from both Kennedy himself and the writing staff to get people interested in Ken again. And why should they? He’s just gonna pull his hammie on a hip toss and sit at home for six more months. Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game, ya weiner. -Eric