Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw

From which is odd considering it's Chris Neil of Ottawa in the photo.

From which is odd considering it’s Chris Neil of Ottawa in the photo.

I’ve been watching a whole lot of pucks including the Penguins tonight. Should make for a long night but considering how quickly I blew through Raw London, I just might be able to blow through this episode too.

Randy Orton starts talking eight minutes into the show. He doesn’t think the RKO is his greatest weapon. It’s his ability to inflict pain that’s his best asset. Seth Rollins sums up Orton’s promo which wasn’t necessary because Orton doesn’t babble or tell dumb jokes. Rollins talks a lot of trash from the ramp. Orton is going to RKO everyone ending with Rollins tonight.

Dean Ambrose takes on Luke Harper again. I just don’t understand taking apart the Wyatt Family if you’re going to make both Harper & Rowan jobbers. Ambrose nails a suicide dive. The action goes to the outside. They end up fighting through the crowd. Ambrose gets hit with an uppercut. They fight up the ramp. Ambrose gets lawn darted into the video board. Ambrose gets tossed off the stage. Harper retreats. I guess we’re getting a PPV match out of this one. The Prime Time Players scare J&J Security & Seth Rollins. HHH ends up scaring Rollins. Seth asks him to deal with Kane. Rollins asks for more security. HHH tells him it’s just one guy.

The Lucha Dragons are taking on The New Day. Kofi starts against Kalisto. Big E tags in before anything happens. Kalisto uses his speed to get around Big E’s power. Sin Cara comes in to sell. Fisherman type suplex by Sin Cara. He has offense! Kofi drop kicks Sin Cara into the announce desk. We get a commercial break for this match. I’m surprised. Go Away Heat is getting New Day traction. Kalisto gets the hot tag against Kofi. Double moonsault onto New Day by the Dragons. Xavier Woods grabs Sin Cara’s legs so that he gets counted out. New Day wins because of Go Away Heat. Wow. If only people with real pop got pushed this quickly. Big E declines to get RKOed.

Fandango is taking on Curtis Axel. No one cares but they do like to dance. Alabama Jam Leg Drop for the win. More finger pointing that is much more forced than organic than it was before.

HHH is out to talk about Tough Enough 3.0. He wants to find the next Seth Rollins. I really could have blown through this speech until Kane showed up. It was blah hype for a contest that I have no interest in. Kane gives his two week notice. Seth Rollins is pissed that he’s not worth the investment. Is this another ploy by The Authority? HHH makes Kane Guardian of The Gate at Extreme Rules. Kane offers a hand shake. Rollins reluctantly does so.

We needed more Seth Rollins, Kane & HHH so we get them after the break. Kane is going to be Fire & Brimstone again. Rollins gets saddled with Dolph Ziggler. Nice step up promo on both sides. It’s just too bad that it took this long to get there. Naomi is done waiting and doesn’t care what we think. The crowd cheers the Bellas? I know Naomi is acting bad but even the announcers are in on their baby face turn. I’m so confused. Nikki is acting heelish by not granting Naomi a match yet. I’m even more confused. Brie gets dumped out of the ring before the break. Naomi is really taking it to Brie with ground and pound. They clothes line each other. Brie gets into Brie Mode. Brie gets dumped onto the top turn buckle. Brie makes a short come back. Rear View for the win. I’m still confused by this angle. Heath Slater makes a re-appearance. Rowan walks away from him. Slater gets RKOed on the eating tables.

Roman Reigns calls out Big Show. Bo Dallas appears. He calls Reigns the Tim Tebow of the WWE. This guy cracks me up on the mic. One day, Roman Reigns can become champion. Superman Punch. Spear.

Sheamus gets to beat up Zack Ryder. Congratulations Zack for being on the big show. Brogue Kick with the microphone in his hand. I love people that talk trash on the mic. It’s so disrespectful. This angle would be much better if Ryder hadn’t been buried as deep as Jimmy Hoffa. I may as well fit in with the old references the announcers always make. Dolph Ziggler ends up saving Ryder.

John Cena comes out for his open challenge. The Russian Chain Match is just a re-purposed four corners match. He did his regular thing. Kane ends up answering the challenge. Kane takes early advantage. They are really letting Kane have a lot of offense. Everyone seems to be enjoying the new “People do stuff to Cena on the “You Can’t See Me” wave. Cena with an AA out of nowhere for the win.

The Miz is really pissed about Damien Mizdow marring his gimmick. John Cena being interviewed by Byron Saxton. Rusev attacks from behind. As if we needed more confirmation that Cena was winning on Sunday.

Lorenzo Lamas reference alert during the Miz and Damien Mizdow match. The Miz is stomping down Mizdow in the corner. Mizdow goes on a run of offense. The Miz can’t win with a handful of tights. Summer Rae turns on Mizdow. The Miz gets the victory. Summer Rae fits much better and can freshen up The Miz act. Before he can say he’s awesome, Randy Orton hits him with an RKO.

Bray Wyatt‘s next target is Ryback. Another interesting choice since both guys need the win in the feud. He gets to beat up Adam Rose. Typical Ryback squash match. The Hot Dog & Banana attack. He double Shellshocks them. Ryback gets to the mic and makes a silly joke. Rosa is now with Adam Rose seeing as though they had an angle either last week or on Smackdown. Rollins tells Kane that he’s sorry. Rollins says that the Orton thing is making him edgy.

Seth Rollins taking on Dolph Ziggler is the main event. People are rooting for Rollins some. I kicked back and watched this match. With the break and the relatively short end, Rollins got a cheap win from a Sheamus distraction. Orton ends up attacking and catching Rollins off the cage for an RKO. As if we needed more evidence this one was going Rollins way on Sunday. – Kevin

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