Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw



I was going to do an introduction about finally watching the next to last episode of Total Divas. The WWE helps me out by featuring Stephanie McMahon’s arrest from last week. Total Divas has helped get viewers on another network but it hasn’t been a salve for a still terrible Divas division. Stephanie inserting herself into the division hasn’t helped either. At least to this viewer. As for the episode I watched, I can’t believe how dumb everyone involved is. It makes me understand why the Lady didn’t end up writing about it. Let’s roll.

The show is kicked off by John Cena. We get serious Cena so all is well. Paul Heyman then comes out on behalf of Brock Lesnar. He uses victimized a lot. I haven’t liked these promos from him as much as his other work. Cena shows us what passion is all about. Cesaro comes out and hugs Paul Heyman. Is Cesaro supposed to be cutting a bad promo? The punch line about not knowing how to wrestle is pretty funny.

The match starts after the break. Jeremy & I both thought that the match in 2012 would be used more. Cena mentioned it but moved on quickly. Cena does wrestle rings around Cesaro but I’m not all that impressed by hip tosses, head locks and snap mares. The match is in another gear when we come back. Cena sitting up in the Swing position was impressive on both of their parts. Cesaro catches Cena going to the top. Cesaro with the outside in suplex from the middle rope. Cesaro puts Cean in the Swing. Cesaro locks in a modified Texas Cloverleaf. Cena turns it around entirely too quickly. Cesaro is perched on the top. Cena rolls thru on the cross body. Cesaro flips out of the AA. Super Uppercut by Cesaro only gets a two count. They trade boots to the face. Cena grabs Cesaro on the top rope and AAs him for the win. I enjoyed the match. Cesaro being that competitive makes me wonder if Kofi Kingston could take John Cena. Stephanie is back stage talking to HHH. She can’t go back there again. All important talks get interrupted. Randy Orton is mad about not having a title shot. HHH sells Roman Reigns as his obstacle to getting another title shot. HHH informs Orton that Reigns will be fighting Kane tonight. Orton is now mad at HHH for some reason. Even if you disagreed with Kane, don’t you think he’s going to at least do some damage to Reigns?

Paige wants to set the record straight. Her emotions got the best of her last week. She assures us that AJ Lee is still her frenemy. Lee shows up. She tells people to their face instead of hiding behind a facade like Paige. Paige ends up “accidentally” calling AJ crazy. AJ plays it off before attacking Paige. You used the word crazy on purpose, shouldn’t you be prepared for an attack? There’s a reason you used the trigger.


If I give you your job back, can you drop the charges? From

Stephanie McMahon & HHH come out for more TV time. HHH catches himself from laughing at the crowd for doing the “What?!?” gimmick. HHH is disappointed in us, the crowd. He will never forgive us. Brie Bella was asking for it. Everything was dropped except for the assault & battery charges from Brie. We get Chris Jericho instead. He gets everyone to sing the theme to “Cops.” He shills the WWE Network while mocking her. Jerry still knows how to make fun of the nose. Chris gets to go to his Stephanie catch phrase when HHH tells him to focus on Bray Wyatt. Seth Rollins attacks Jericho from behind. They will wrestle later tonight.

The Miz is teaming with Rybaxel are taking on Dolph Ziggler & the Usos. Ziggler started against Curtis Axel. Even the Lady says “All the black men are standing together.” You don’t need to watch a long time to figure out the WWE’s tendencies. We have a stand off to the break. Woods, Big E & Kofi are at ringside now. Axel is working over Jimmy. The Miz gets caught by a kick in the gut. Ziggler comes in for the hot tag against Ryback. He out muscles Ziggler. Dolph nails the swinging DDT. Mitchell Cool is too busy laughing to call the match. Dolph flips out of Shellshock and nails the Zig Zag for the win. The generic crew of black gentlemen talk politely at ring side.

R Truth comes out rapping. Bo Dallas is his opponent. Dallas makes fun of Truth’s many losses. Dallas takes a victory lap. R Truth rolls up Dallas for the win. Bo shakes his hand after the match. Dallas says it’s “Okay” then clocks Truth. He puts a beating on him. Bo then runs another victory lap.

Lana & Rusev come out and tries to run down the US. Snooze. Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter come out and defends our flag. Swagger ends up running through Rusev. Swagger gets the upper hand so that Rusev can back away.

Damien Sandow comes out wearing an astronaut’s suit. I didn’t bother to rewind his promo. Adam Rose comes out with the Exotic Express. Party Foul for the extremely quick victory.

Kane comes down the aisle. Roman Reigns comes through the crowd as normal. Randy Orton attacks him on his way to the ring. Kane & Orton end up working together to put down Reigns. Kane leaves Orton to attack Reigns. Even Orton’s beat downs are boring. The most maddening thing is the fact that neither Michael Cole nor Jerry Lawler bring up the mere possibility that HHH may have been fibbing to Randy Orton about Orton being Plan A and Reigns screwed it up. Cole follows every Authority tie he can but has a blind spot in this obvious instant. The beat down is going on even longer. A pair of RKOs ends it.

Awesome, Layla & Summer Rae are Slayer fans too! From

Awesome, Layla & Summer Rae are Slayer fans too! From

Diego is allowed to have Layla El & Summer as his arm candy. Layla seems to work well with blondes. Fandango is ready to go for the top rope leg drop when El Torito distracts him. Diego rolls up Fandango for the win. Fandango gets to be gored. Stephanie gets more TV time. This time opposite of Nikki Bella who informs us that poop will be eaten. Because this is the WWE, it may happen.

Stardust & Goldust act freaky again and pretend like they found something. Naomi & Natalya are taking on Cameron & Alicia Fox. I’m not sure what Naomi did in the corner but it needs to be a hair smoother but it was cool looking. Naomi attacks Cameron. Alicia Fox attacks Naomi. Fox hits the Axe Kick for a two count. Cameron slams Naomi into the turn buckles. Naomi busts out a leg scissors submission for the win. Naomi still gets to act like a Funkadactyl.

Chris Jericho gets to wrestle Seth Rollins. If you’re a wrestling fan, does this disappoint you? Jericho cracks Rollins as he goes for a suicide dive. Jericho suplexes Rollins. Seth fights back. Enziguri by Jericho. Rollins nails a drop kick to turn things around. JBL makes the whole announce team uncomfortable by brow beating Cole. Rollins is in control after the break. Jericho comes back with some shoulder blocks. Rollins dodges the bulldog and hits the pull down clothesline. Jericho fires back after Rollins taunts him. Rollins plants Jericho into the middle turn buckle. Rollins & Jericho battle on the top rope. It ends with a back body drop by Jericho. There are entirely too many cross bodies in wrestling currently. They trade blows. Rollins gets turned inside out on a back elbow. Jericho gets power bombed into the corner. Jericho rolls up Rollins. Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho but Rollins flips out of it and nails him with an enziguri. Super Code Breaker on a sling shotted Rollins. The Wyatts music hits. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan with the two on one beat down. Bray finishes him off with Sister Abigail.

Stephanie McMahon tells us what she represents. Everyone thinks she’s a common criminal. Her children are being made fun of because of her. She’s laying it on thick. Brie Bella gets to act tough. It comes off vindictive on Brie’s part. Be a little more eloquent. You’re the baby face. Brie naturally asks for her job back. She wants one more thing. Brie wants a match at Summerslam. She challenges Steph. Steph backs down because she hasn’t competed in ten years. Brie should know Steph was in a fitness magazine and is selling a load of bologna. Steph agrees to the match crying. Steph slaps Brie off the ring apron. Nice. Steph celebrates in the ring. Cat fight!!!!! People are loving the angle. – Kevin

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