The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 4 – Triple H leading WWE new talent development

"You wanna get over, kid? You need a sleeveless denim jacket that fits over your leather jacket that fits over your DX shirt that fits over your sympathy-weight gut. Now get me a hot dog... extra protein powder."

(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. One of these guys whose pockets we’re lining – and believe me, with all of the coats he wears, he’s got a lot of pockets – is Triple H, who was revealed this year as the head of WWE’s New Talent Development. In that year, his pet project Sin Cara has gotten over with no one – plus suffered injury and wellness-policy suspension – and other talent such as… umm… hmmm, let me think here… Kevin Nash returned? Anyway, he’s doing a great job! [Ratings fall, Nero fiddles...])

(Originally posted April 7, 2011) This had been mentioned cursorily in other places a couple of months ago, but according to WWE’s official press release today about rebranding the word “Wrestling” right out of their name, Triple H is now in charge of WWE’s new talent development.

In addition to focusing on the expansion of the company, the company will bolster its core business with the launch a new talent development department headed by Paul “Triple H®” Levesque. The new department will put a greater emphasis on worldwide recruitment, training and character development to identify future WWE Superstars and Divas. The first recruit acquired under Levesque’s new department was the signing last month of future WWE Superstar, Sin Cara™, formerly known worldwide as Mistico.

On one hand, Triple H loves the business and wants to see it prosper, especially on his watch, which is where it will be as soon as Vince McMahon croaks. And with McMahon tied up with other (sure to fail) business ventures, with Jim Ross not scouting talent like he used to in the 1990s, and with John Laurinitis royally screwing up for the last seven years as head of talent relations, someone else needed to wrap their arms around this position.

On the other hand, Triple H is an egomaniacal scene-chewer, a bully, a prick, basically unfunny, probably not likable to anyone who wasn’t already kissing his ass, hasn’t done a whole lot to give back to the business that puts food in his growing family’s mouth (seriously, who is better off for having wrestled and feuded with Hunter?), and only taps out in wrestling matches because “if I can do it, you’d better damn well do it, too.” Oh, and he has a history of thinking many world-class wrestlers “can’t work,” either. That’s not the type of player-coach I’d want on *my* team, I’ll tell ya that much!

So Hunter’s first pet project was Sin Cara. Doomed from the start, or needing to leap some really high hurdles? Time will tell. At least there’s a feud with Hunter’s buddy Sheamus on the horizon, right? -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002

Linda Bollea, young buck to appear on VH1 “Relationship Rehab,” totally not for gold-digging purposes

linda bollea

I bet she even *hates* money. Just the smell of it makes her want to vomit all over her bejeweled iPhone and mongolian horse-hair coat. (And, P.S., what the fuck is Charlie wearing? Tatanka is going to be pissed.)

According to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife Linda Bollea and her boyfriend Charlie Hill are two of the cast members on VH1 “Relationship Rehab.” It’s a good thing Linda won all of that money from the poor Hulkster during their very public divorce and is totally taking part in this show to strengthen her relationship with her 29-years-her-junior boy toy, not because she’s a money-grubbing c-unit recently described by Eric Bischoff as “a pig in every sense.” Haha, wait, I just had an image of this poor bastard Charlie carting a pig around like Arnold from “Green Acres”! *That* I’d like to see! -Eric

linda bollea charlie hill

Next on VH1, "Relationship Rehab," followed by, "I Love the Pork."

Batista tells U.K. Daily Star that he can beat people up, that today’s WWE is “brutal”… look who’s talking

batista skinny

And he gets all the pretty ladies, too.

According to PWTorch.com, Dave Bautista, aka Batista (because we kids couldn’t handle that extra “u” in his last name), recently told a U.K. newspaper, the Daily Star, that today’s WWE is “brutal.” He didn’t mean it in the same way as the brutal force he uses to beat people up in MMA’s Strikeforce oh wait that never happened because he sucks and is old and has asthma. He means “brutal” in the same way as watching a Batista wrestling match, which was pretty god damn brutal.

I can’t connect with it. I no longer know this business. I don’t do PG wrestling.

Thankfully, PG wrestling no longer does him. He also made a point to talk about how big and bad and scary and legitimate he is, because, of course, the people who have to tell you that are the ones with the largest penises and coolest Affliction shirts.

Love me or hate me, when I was there everyone took one look at me and knew I could beat someone up. I don’t think they look at Miz that way.

He makes a valid point; I’m pretty sure 50 percent of Stunt Granny readers could beat up the Miz if a fight broke out over the last bottle of hair product in the salon. But that doesn’t make it right to disparage the company responsible for your bank account, cars and, of course, humongous, totally-not-shriveled-up penis. One of these days, he’s going to come crawling back on all fives (get it, because he has a gigantic penis that needs no defending) and say, “Vince, I can’t cut it in MMA and I miss the nonstop road head, pleeease bring me back.” And then Vince will, because he’s a mark at heart. (Sorry, I hope you weren’t expecting another punchline at Batista’s expense.) -Eric

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