Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies has finally happened

Far be it from me to disparage people making a living but god damn I wish wrestlers would save their god damn money. How else do you explain “Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies”? The movie comes to us from writer and director Cody Knotts. He of such other low budget fare “Breeding Farm” and “Lucifer’s Unholy Desire.”   I just don’t understand when you take a meeting for a low budget movie what pitch these guys heard.

“Alright we have this cool premise guys. We mix the world of zombies and pro wrestling. It is going to be just as good as Zombie Strippers I promise. We have a budget of about $370.00 and a boatload of unfulfilled favors to cash in. The shoot will be magic. We have a shooting schedule of about three days so scheduling will be over a holiday weekend. Believe in me when I Say this will get you in to Hollywood that much faster. Well in your case Mr. Piper I should say back in Hollywood. I mean god damn “They Live” was fucking beautiful.  Now just imagine they alley fight scene but with zombies in a prison with all natural lighting and heavy metal music. How awesome right?  Sure it is an exact rip off of The Walking Dead season but the genre is ripe for some creative borrowing. Hell, The Walking Dead is a mashup of a bunch of other zombie movies. So ya with me? You ready to be a star? ”

So it may not have gone just like that but really could it be that much far off? Who needs the work this badly? Judging the entire movie from the trailer, which is the purpose of a trailer so you know, this looks terrible. Shane Douglas actually is kind of funny because he essentially is playing “The Franchise.” Other than that one item this really looks terrible. Kurt Angle continues his stellar acting gigs but there is no chance of improving over “Buffo The Scary Clown“. No really, this clip is genius.  But the acting is not going to be the worst part of this movie.

Was this flick shot with a flashlight and ketchup bottles? Sure the atmosphere appears to be the inside of a prison and if this isn’t a Kubrick experiment using only natural light then boy is this going to be hard to watch. Literally, this is going to be impossible to tell what the hell is happening.  If you can’t see the action then nothing else matters. Wait I get it now this movie is supposed to be some French Existential film on the absurdity of the zombie genre?

It has occurred to me that maybe I am just being a total dick right now. After watching the trailer for the tenth time this could be a fun movie. So let’s cut the jokes and do some actual commentary.

There are some legitimate issues with the trailer. The music is terrible and far too loud. It covers up too much of the dialogue and doesn’t enhance the action. It isn’t a matter of personal music tastes at all but the screeching 80’s metal god voice is not good for the small amount of time given. Just straight music with no lyrics would have been a better choice.  The lighting of the film, from what was presented, is a big problem. Scenes are just too dark. The shadowing makes it difficult to see the action. I am not sure how this can or even will be addressed in post production but it needs some attention. The acting is about what you should expect from a low budget horror flick starring professional wrestlers not named Dwayne Johnson so that gets a pass.

Guess there is not much else to be said until the final product is released. Make sure and stop back on Stunt Granny as it will be reviewed. (Take that as a request  for a screener copy) -Jeremy

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #TNA #ImpactWrestling

LetsTrySomethingNew

Well, this isn’t something new but it is a new post. I have another one to finish up but it requires more thought than this type of article. I also need to get this off my DVR because I’m traveling to Altoona PA this weekend. Let’s roll.

We start with the 2 young male escorts Wes Brisco and Garrett Bischoff against Kurt Angle. They do a solid job of reminding us what the feud is about. AS usual nothing happens before a commercial break in a match. That was a hell of a bump for Bischoff to take on the double German suplex. Bischoff nails Angle with the chain for the win. This is stupid. Even my girl agrees. Nice of them to swipe The Shield’s move. Ken Anderson gets to babble. I can’t believe I liked him at some point.

Zema Ion and Petey Williams take on Kenny King for the X Division. I can’t stop staring at the referee’s hat to know what’s going on in the ring. I do like the X cam but I’m not sure why it looks so washed out. Oh, that’s the camera. I’m not paying much attention in general. They’re making Petey look pretty awesome. Ha. Cheap win by King. I feel bad for Ion. Brutus Magnus is going for the TV Title. Solid work from him as usual. I like his under statement.

Christy Hemme and Brooke Hogan are getting ready to launch the new Knockout’s website and photos. Brooke then talks down to Mickie James and Brook Tessmacher. Devon comes out first for some reason. Magnus gets attacked on the ramp by Mike Knox & DOC. This one trick pony is old. Aces & Eights aren’t really getting heat. Samoa Joe makes the save but why did they walk away? Kick his ass too.

Part of the reason to write this column is to rip on Tazz. He has surpassed Mike Tenay for worst announcer in wrestling. Having to act like a heel is not working for him in any way. He never sounds genuine. Samoa Joe is pissed. This AJ Styles thing isn’t interesting either. I don’t care which side he’s on. He’s not that big of a deal. I like him but whatever. Velvet Sky is selling an injury? Is this real? I don’t care enough to look up whether it’s real. ODB didn’t get any promo time for this match. Tessmacher then Mickie James. Forgot ODB was the ref. Why is Mickie looking like she wants to fight ODB? You can’t start rotating thru female refs this quickly. I like ODB ordering them back into the ring. Regular referees should be that stern. The Thesz Press off the top is always a like awkward. Tazz not having a come back to Tenay seals the deal on why he’s such a bitch now. You’re a tough guy compared to your partners. Bully them. Mickey reverses a reverse for the win. Solid match. Kaz and Christopher Daniels are moderately funny. Joseph Park gets attacked by Bully Ray. He gives us a sexist sentence. He’s a lawyer who isn’t going to press charges? Ironic. I wonder if they’re trying to do the same thing once every 15 minutes or 30.

Mickie James put together a good promo which is strange. It was never her strong suit. James Storm reminds us that this angle has taken entirely too long. Daniels & Kaz are back. Daniels said something. Kaz wants the tag team titles back. Austin Aries & Bobby Roode are still stuck in tag team hell because Aces & Eights are over bearing. Chavo & Hernandez clear the ring. Snooze.

So Jeff Hardy is really hurt? Roode has turned himself into a good talker. Matt Morgan is gloating again. Is he supposed to be turning baby face? He wants to take on Bully Ray but that cocky ass is so heelish. Why didn’t Aces & Eights just attack Samoa Joe too? Devon is a bad sergeant at arms. Tazz says people hate his guts because of his opinions. No, we hate you because you suck. Brisco distracts the ref. Anderson brass knuckles Samoa Joe. Devon makes the pin. It’s like clock work.

AJ Styles tries to run out of the match. James Storm attacks him on the ramp to stop him. Both men are wearing black. Aces & Eights wear black. Let’s try and make this product even more bland. AJ’s look is a little sheep dog for me. I do like a change for him though. It’d be kind of funny if he joined Kaz & Daniels. Storm taps to a sharp shooter type move. I know it has a name that I don’t remember. AJ Styles leaves Storm alone to catch a beating. Kaz & Daniels get an ass kicking too. Bully Ray delivers a fine enough promo but I don’t care because he became boring the minute he joined Aces & Eights. Dumb. It limits him way too much. He was better without this crew. They’re dragging him down. -Kevin

Stunt Granny Audio #219

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Halleluiah and praise the heavens everyone it is The Audio Experience. Yes, Stunt Granny proudly presents to you Stunt Granny Audio #219. Dusty and Jeremy are reunited after a short spell and they talk all sorts of words. They discuss the Detroit Tigers closer situation. Why you may ask? Well Dusty is in full fantasy baseball mode and needs a steal to come in better than eighth place. They then talk about the different sports venues they have visited and decide just what famous landmarks hold no interest to them. What has happened to wrestling? Is it even worth discussing without going over the same old same old? Is it possible to discuss wrestling now without being totally negative or defeated? Who doesn’t feel like it any longer and why? Who forced our heroes in to a wrestling discussion it the first place? The answer is a surprise as well.  So, in order to find out all you have to do is download the show and give it a listen.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #219

Stunt Granny Audio Show #215

romanian-ghost

Jeremy starts off the show by talking about the ghosts that are haunting his house. Or was it his car? Did he smell scents? What was the trigger? How dumb founded is Kevin during this whole explanation. They turn their talk to wrestling as usual. Why did Punk use Paul Giamatti? Who thinks Giamatti could be cast as Paul Heyman in a movie? Should this promo have come last week? How did Punk’s promo tie into the end of the show? Is it good that he now seems divorced from Paul Heyman? Isn’t that why Heyman was answering for Brock Lesnar on Miz TV? Is Punk also divorced from Brad Maddox & The Shield? Is it good that they lost another large fight? Okay, so that one is obvious but they move on to a heel that could get some traction, Mark Henry. Is he capturing a demographic that isn’t sought by the WWE? Would these fans also root for Ryback? What did Jeremy think about Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara as they were being attacked by Henry? TNA is finally going on the road. How large is the arena they are doing their first taping at? Is too small, too large or just the right size for TNA? Will this help their wrestlers? Will the crowds be as hot as those for previous TNA road tapings? Find out the answers to these questions and more when you click the link below. Unless your ghost won’t let you.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #215

Hulk Hogan + Brooke Hogan = Perv Twitter Responses

BrookesLegs

According to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan got in trouble by the Twitter-verse for sending out this picture of his daughter that was labeled “Brooke’s legs”. For some reason, the Hulkster didn’t think this image would invoke the picture of him rubbing oil on his daughter’s ass or responses of him being a pervert on Twitter. The Hulkster has taken a break from Twitter after two days of being beaten up about it. For a change, I agree with Hulk that this isn’t creepy. Is it stupid? You better believe it. Brooke has great legs. It’s just too bad she has a man’s chin and face. Aside from that minor problem, she’s all woman.

As an added bonus, I found this picture of a t shirt for his new restaurant, Hogan’s Beach.

HogansBeach

It’s a fun t shirt that has more thought in it than any shirt currently on WWEShop or ShopTNA currently. I can’t delve into the meaning of this shirt because it’s standard design work. Glory Day Hulk Hogan? Check. Riding a shark because he’s so bad ass? Check. Beach? Whoops. I guess it’ll be at the end of the water they’re showing. I hope the shark doesn’t beach itself or Hogan might have PETA to answer to on Twitter instead of a bunch of creepy Twitter trolls. -Kevin

Stunt Granny Conversation: Jeremy & Kevin 1/24/2013 American Horror Story Finale

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Jeremy:  What I find funny is that the finale was the least insane episode of the season in total contrast to the entire run.

Kevin: That is very true.  Although it took me a while to catch onto the theme with the weird Kitt beginning.

Jeremy:  At least this season it seemed like they realized they needed an actual ending.

Kevin: I had a question about the very end, did Lana bargain her way into Briarcliff?

Jeremy: Ok that was one part of the episode I did not understand. It seemed to me that Jude was just warning her.  Now that you mention that I am not sure. It wouldn’t make sense with what she but her through.

Kevin: That’s what I was thinking but wanted to rewatch that part. The rest of the show followed well and didn’t have much of a question.

Jeremy: Seemed like they remembered to give everyone their due and they did it effectively. Poor Kitt couldn’t catch a break though.

Kevin:Not even one.  Was he abducted by aliens too?

Jeremy: At the end for sure. They took him back. I suppose since he was special but damn. No luck at all.

Kevin: Not even a bit. Aside from banging out two chicks

Jeremy: He became sympathetic which was a nice touch from the angry wreck he was at the beginning. Yeah and he should have tried pulling out.  I was just fond of this season finale for the closure. One thing I did find odd was the focus on Lana since Jude seemed to be the main character all season.

Kevin: The closure thing was big. I don’t mind an open ending so long as it makes you think. Last year’s didn’t make you do that. It was different having survivors that could tell a story.  Jude was pretty heavy in the episode.

Jeremy:  Yeah they gave her a proper sendoff. Finding peace finally. Pretty much everything got tied up. Was I the only one hoping for another dance number when Jude died?

Kevin: They did have that very heavenly one earlier in the season. Something like that again would have been appropriate but maybe over kill with her teaching Kitt & the kids how to dance.

Jeremy: Man, you just brought up some lost opportunity there. Of course not having a pinhead nor patients drooling and slapping themselves in the background would have lessened the effect.

Kevin: The patients participating in the earlier dance made that one very weird. They could have set it in hell to make it real freaky.

Jeremy: The Aliens could have finally appeared and broke out the top hats and canes. “Hello my baby. Hello my honey.”

Kevin: That would have been whipped cream with a cherry on top. It’d be more fun to bring in the alien from Aliens instead of the standard egghead aliens Grace was drawing. Whoever did those drawings was excellent. I don’t have shit on them.

Jeremy: Speaking of Grace, boy that girl had a rough time too. No one got out clean. She gets killed, impregnated and resuscitated then axed. Her pregnancy had a gestation time of five minutes for the birth.

Kevin: That was very day time soap level of impregnation. The whole thing had a weird time line actually. They never said much in that department.  Pepper had been dead 2 1/2 years before Kitt saved Jude?

Jeremy: When a fetus is inserted by an alien race is there an established timeline? Yeah poor Pepper.

Kevin: There is no timeline for alien babies.

Jeremy: I have seen Prometheus and that statement is correct. Beautiful stupid movie.

Kevin: We caught that one recently and that is a good summation of it. Love the HR Giger art.

Jeremy: Well yeah, Imagine if a Predator and an Alien show up to take Kitt and have to duke it out while ET just masturbated watching. Then Kitt just falls dead of cancer.

Kevin: ET could at least jerk Kitt off before he dies of cancer.  Maybe it’d cure the cancer at the same time

Jeremy: So are you trying to say ET spooge can cure cancer?

Kevin: His finger could do some powerful stuff. I figure his spooge is like a cure all salve.

Jeremy: Is this the right time to bring up the Cardinal committing suicide? Or should we bring up the fact that Bloodyface Jr. was a giant pussy?

Kevin: That’s two big questions. The first is the fantasy of a writer who was molested by a priest as a child, in my opinion. Not sure why Bloodyface Jr. was such a pussy. His mom was a hard ass and so was his dad.

Jeremy: He gets all whiny at the mention of his mommy. Then he wants to live up to his dad. Pussbag. All of this after lopping off Adam Levine’s arm with a cleaver? Unless it was the revelation that Lana didn’t care about him outside of that one time.

Kevin: The guy wanted breast milk at the age of 48 so he was not exactly on stable ground

Jeremy: I always differ to titties.  I suppose I had this idea of him being legit crazy as in genetic and instead he was looking for mom and dad’s affections ya know.

Kevin: Which is a nice twist. But yeah, the expectations were different for sure on his character

Jeremy: If it was Hayden Christensen I would have had an easier time with it.  Kind of wish Jr. would have put the mask on before she shot him. Just for the visual.

Kevin:  That would have been very cool.

Jeremy:  Yeah and round out the show.

Kevin: Trying to think if there was anything else in those last two episodes. Would it have been too much to ask for the real version of the Angel of Death be the house keeper Dylan McDermott saw last season?

Jeremy: Yeah no shit.  All the sex in this show and the single hottest chick in the history of this program wasn’t back on? I did appreciate the Angel of Death as a lesbian convict though.

Kevin: Yeah, she does a great job as a creepy woman.

Jeremy: I was just happy the show didn’t end with everyone smiling. It at least showed they had an end  in mind this time around.

Kevin: That would have been worse than last year. The depressing end with everyone seemingly finding some solace in their lives was a good ending.

TNA has a new television program and network

Poop. Poop is an idea.

Poop. Poop is an idea.

TNA announced today they have reached a two year contract extension with FUEL TV to air what assuredly is compelling television. FUEL who carries Impact Wrestling will now be adding TNAs new programs , well here is how they describe it.

‘Unfinished Business’ – an in-depth look at historic feuds and moments in IMPACT WRESTLING history – and ‘British Boot Camp’, a thrilling six-part entertainment series following four aspiring British wrestlers as they embark on their ambition to join TNA’s wrestling roster.

Now you may be wondering if I have gotten the channel name wrong. No it is not Spike TV carrying IMPACT wrestling,  it is definitely FUEL TV. It just so happens that we are talking about Australian television and not the good ole US of A. Yup, TNA is trumpeting a television deal with a network in a totally different country since the company makes no waves over here.

Just how long is this Unfinished Business show supposed to run? What historic feuds have they had? They certainly have had feuds but nothing really historic. So, it should have a shelf life of about four to six weeks I figure.

Leave it to the exhausted braintrust of TNA to concentrate on another program when their flagship program still draws the exact same god damn rating it has for years. There has been no growth other than the amount of television they have and even then they are ridding themselves of PPVs. So there is less money making potential with less PPVS but now we get a nostalgia show of a company that has been around ten years.

I give up.  -Jeremy

Stunt Granny Audio Show #212

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You ever wonder what a year in review show sounds like when the year sucked badly? Is this the worst year ever for wrestling? What does the NFL have to do with it anyway? Why the hell do you fire a coach that goes 10-6 in the regular season? Does the head coach of a team really even matter? Was WrestleMania 11 the worst ever or has it been replaced by this years tepid effort? What the hell was that Christmas edition of RAW? Do children even find that moronic crap entertaining? There is more, oh boy there is more so download and check it out.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #212

Hulk Hogan = Guy Fieri?

Modern-Buckhead

According to Prowrestling.net (by way of Tampabay.com which has way more information) Hulk Hogan opened up a restaurant on New Year’s Eve in the city of Tampa. Hogan’s Beach started with a masquerade party since Hogan was clearly inspired by Eyes Wide Shut with his the outing of his sex tape. Considering that this complex is 20,000 square foot, he’ll have plenty of spaces to record his sexual exploits without someone squeezing him for money. This place is should be just as classy as the one Tom Cruise attended because there will be a mechanical shark you can ride and a white sand beach. I’m sure Hulk will oil down Brooke’s ass on the beach again but this time while Bully Ray looks on in approval. Hogan has 360 seats in this restaurant. Each of the seats is covered in leather tanned just to the right shade of Hogan’s skin so that it can be properly branded. He has already pitched a reality show based on his restaurant to CMT. I’m sure that’ll be a great way to keep your bare ass off of TV while you’re pounded the hot waitress that looks like a man just like your ex-wife and current wife. -Kevin

New TNA Jeff Hardy album isn’t released, it escaped!

Jeff Hardy -

“A-duuuhhhhhhhhhhhh”

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA mega-super-duperstar Jeff Hardy has released his debut album, “Similar Creatures,” on the TNA Knockout Music label. (Wow, really TNA? A record label? I know WWE has one too, but I assure you this was a money-making strategy and not another example of a presidential hairbrush handle in the cooch.) For those of you who haven’t heard Mumbly Jeff Hardy’s post-grunge flounderings in the past, waste your own time Googling it, I’m at work right now. But I assure you, the same kids who run around their backyards like Day-Glo mongoloids in their Jeff Hardy T-shirts and wristbands are going to listen to this and cringe. And keep in mind, they eat paste. -Eric

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