Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Summerslam

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Randy Orton vs Sheamus – This match ended up being everything that everyone expected. It was a well wrestled match that no one gave a damn about because the only buzz in any Orton match these days is how will he execute an RKO. The only buzz in Sheamus matches is the crowd chanting “You look stupid!” Naturally, Sheamus won the match because his secondary buzz is the fact that he is the least hyped Money In The Bank winner ever.

New Day vs Lucha Dragons vs Los Matadores vs The Prime Time Players : Tag Team Title Match – This match was exactly what everyone expected too. The Lucha Dragons & Los Matadores hung around because the WWE didn’t want PTP vs New Day to get stale. New Day wins after allowing Titus O’Neil to clean house. It’s very heel of them and makes them very hate-able. Now hopefully this will allow PTP to be equally as amusing except on the face side. Or we get the Usos back in action.

Rusev w/ Summer Rae vs Dolph Ziggler w/ Lana – I expected a Ziggler victory so it was quite a surprise that Ziggler couldn’t make it back into the ring during a ten count. Rusev had taken a bump on the announce table which seems like perfect fodder for a cheap baby face win. The WWE must like Rusev though because this style of finish helps him far more than it does Ziggler, who can’t get the big revenge victory.

Stardust & King Barrett vs Stephen Amell & Neville – Amell acquitted himself well enough in this match for a non-wrestler. His athletic background allowed him to put on some basic moves and to sell for this match. His selling allowed Neville to hit his quick strike offense. Neville pinned King Barrett so this feud may continue with Stardust.

Ryback vs The Big Show vs The Miz – This match will be known for it’s finish. The Miz was looking to take advantage of Ryback and Big Show beating each other. Ryback ended up being the one who took advantage of a WMDed Miz to get the victory. I could only hope they’re turning “The Big Guy” heel. The WWE probably looks at this win as Ryback showing his “smarts.” It doesn’t. Hopefully The Miz will be out of the equation and we’ll get a match up of the mammoth athletes.

The Wyatt Family vs Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns – This match had me scratching my head. For some reason, I assumed it’d be easy to have a cheap heel victory through some sort of shenanigans. We didn’t get those this match. Instead, Ambrose & Reigns win in clean fashion over Luke Harper. Bray Wyatt doesn’t have a leg to stand on if he wants to continue menacing Reigns, save that he didn’t take the pin fall. He got his ass kicked most of the time he was in the ring though. The baby faces don’t get much out of it because everyone pins Harper.

John Cena vs Seth Rollins : Winner Takes Both Belts – The WWE has been comfortable with the ROH ring style since at least the John Cena vs Kevin Owens feud. I think the WWE does a much better job of pacing the early action so that there’s a build to the multiple near fall kick outs from finishing moves. The match was another gem from Cena and Rollins got to step it up as far as in ring moves went. Unfortunately, the WWE is also comfortable with screw ball finishes. Jon Stewart enters the ring and pretends for not nearly long enough that he was going to hit Rollins with a chair while the referee is knocked down. Stewart ends up hitting Cena so that Rollins can Pedigree him on said chair, toss it out of the ring and have the ref recover to count the pin fall. The WWE is also comfortable ripping off even more ROH since their champion Jay Lethal has both belts. The only upside to this outcome, much like the match, is that Seth Rollins can pull off this angle. Lethal can’t because he’s weighed down by Truth Martini. Give me HHH. Please in no way give me Martini.

Team Bella (Nikki Bella, Brie Bella & Alicia Fox) vs Team B.A.D. (Sasha Banks, Naomi & Tamina) vs Team P.C.B. (Paige, Charlotte & Becky Lynch) – The match was cruising along fine when the Divas had a big spot where nearly everyone hit a diving spot to the outside to show their “athleticism.” Diving per se doesn’t do that and I didn’t feel like it showed of their best attributes. The WWE loves those types of spots though. I get I just started laughing when Tamina got pinned by Brie Bella to eliminate Team B.A.D. Everyone saw that coming a mile away. No way Sasha or  Naomi were taking that pin. Team B.A.D. hasn’t been the highlight of this Revolution either so they weren’t winning.Paige gets in and cleans house. Nikki ends up giving her a nasty looking Alabama Slam on the outside to get her into sell mode. Paige recovers and clocks Alicia Fox with a big knee. Charlotte gets the hot tag. She locks in the Figure Eight on Alicia Fox but Nikki breaks the attempt up. Paige drives Nikki out of the ring. Fox & Charlotte cancel each other out with Big Boots. Lynch & Brie get tagged in. Lynch ends up winning with a Pump Handle Slam of some variety. I was surprised to see her be the final one in their for P.C.B.

Kevin Owens vs Cesaro – I am thinking that we can now all permanently put away our pom poms for Cesaro and stop worrying that the WWE thinks Kevin Owens is too fat to be a Superstar. Kevin Owens got the pin fall in a very good match. I was going to feel bad for whoever lost so in this case it’s Cesaro. I really enjoy that guy but he never gets the big win. You’d be able to say the same thing about Owens if he hadn’t won. Cesaro doesn’t have anyone to beat to climb the ladder. Owens will move on to someone like Randy Orton which will be good for both of them.

The Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar – This match was very good so of course it had to be marred by one of the more ridiculous finishes I’ve seen. The time keeper, who has the same sight lines as Charles Robinson, the referee, but only further away and from a lower angle, decides to ring the bell when Lesnar has a Kimura Lock on Taker, who did indeed tap. If you’re going to do this stupid finish, at least execute it properly. Robinson yells at the time keeper. Taker recovers, low blows Lesnar and then puts on Devil’s Gate for the pass out win. So even if I don’t like the finish because I’m supposed to see stupid finishes like this coming, how can anyone like Taker? His best offense against Lesnar in this come back are kicks to the balls. He has the audacity to take a win after tapping out. Undertaker is completely unlikeable. If you root for him, I’m going to look at you like a complete moron. – Kevin

3 Responses to “Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Summerslam”

  1. ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh 2015-08-24 at 6:11 pm #

    Once again, great analysis and i agree with most of what you said. However, and i am not being a jerk because I really would like to know, how is truth martini holding down jay lethal? I have always been a lethal fan since the TNA black machismo days. He naturally is good and charismatic. If anything, truth martin enhances his character on ROH. He serves the exact same purpose as HHH does with Seth Rollins. While I feel that Jay Lethal would’ve been a star with or without the House of Truth, i feel that having that manager make his character all the more better.

    • Kevin DiFrango 2015-08-24 at 8:48 pm #

      Thanks for the compliments. I’m just not that big of a Jay Lethal fan in general which probably magnifies my complaint about Martini. I don’t think Lethal has developed as much as I would have liked since his TNA days. Even his in ring move set is pretty similar to what he did then. I recently mentioned this to a friend that AJ Styles & the Young Bucks really seemed to have learned something with their time in Japan about ring psychology. I like Styles more than I have at any point. I can’t really say the same about Lethal.

      Back to Martini, I just think he looks low rent from the hair, to the outfit and the Book he still holds instead of something more updated like a Pad of some sort with his face on the shell surrounding it. Even when HHH dresses down, he never looks low rent. I also don’t think Martini is that good of a talker which is strange for a guy who has only done that for a long time. ROH clearly finds the same value in him you do or else he wouldn’t be the co-voice of the TV & Heavyweight Champ. – K

      • ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh 2015-08-24 at 11:09 pm #

        I’ll say this: i agree 1000% about your AJ Styles and young bucks analogy. That time in Japan has done wonders for their careers and skill set. Especially when it comes to Styles. Maybe Jay lethal should’ve also went that route.

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