Headlines: Beth Phoenix written off TV, Colt and Pearce besmirch NWA, DDP moves in with Jake Roberts

In news that has been brewing for months, according to Prowrestling.net (and according to watching WWE Monday Night Raw last night), Beth Phoenix has been written off TV, via an angle where she was fired by Whatever Type of General Manager Vickie Guerrero. Phoenix asked for and was granted her release a while back, so there really isn’t much to say other than good luck keeping Jeremy Maes away from you while you read your zombie comic books.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Colt Cabana threw down his NWA “World” Title belt after beating Adam Pearce in the seventh of their best-of-seven series in a match in Australia. Since the NWA belt has been thrown down more times than Lilian Garcia, the real news here is that Colt Cabana and Adam Pearce were paid to travel to and wrestle in Australia. Not that they aren’t worth it, because they are (two of my top 10 draft pics, easily), but it shows how upside down these Aussies are, dropping that kind of coin on transportation and payoffs. Oy, was Rick Tick Tillah and Moykey McGongileydoo bof already booooked that noight? Nine hundred dollaridoos?? Ah, screw it, I’ll just have a cup of coffee…

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Diamond Dallas Page and Jake “The Snake” Roberts are working on a documentary where DDP helps Jake get in shape for one last run, employing DDP Yoga over an 8-week period. To ensure success, DDP has moved in with Jake, and Jake has agreed to regular drug testing throughout the filming. The filming will end when Jake’s landlord gets tired of seeing his coked-out ex-wrestler tenant being accompanied by a scummy 50-year-old man in a leather vest and tight Guess jeans and boots them both out. (Other punchlines include: “This video will resemble less a documentary on health and more a low-budget docudrama about the Village People,” and “These two guys could leave a ring around the Atlantic Ocean, so I hope Jake’s landlord has a Rug Hospital, not just the Doctor.” Eh, none of these were any good. I need to keep my day job. Oh, and click on this link for TWNP.com, which I assume stands for Talking to Women is Not a Problem for us, to see how well Jake’s workout regimen is going.) -Eric

Hulk Hogan challenges YOU to get fit, brother!

They *could* be forcing you to eat *this.*

Want to lose weight but can’t find the time, money, motivation, advice, supplements, energy, closest gym or sleeveless shirts? Is your role model someone — anyone — other than a shrinking, balding, orange, self-aggrandizing rich piece of white trash in whiskered Hollister jeans who couldn’t keep his family glued together with 10 tons of Honky Tonk Man’s Brylcreem and a thousand prayers to the big man above? And have you ever even fucking heard of Body By Vi? Well, don’t let any of that shit stop you! Hulk Hogan has signed on as the official celebrity mustachioed face of the Body By Vi Challenge; in 90 days of drinking some shitty meal replacement shake, you too could look completely average like the nobodies at the bottom of this Web site.

And the least-average-looking person of the bunch wins the Hogan Transformation Vacation, including a free Hollywood vacation (where no one looks the least bit normal, either), a free cruise (where you’ll probably eat undercooked shellfish and puke your remaining guts out for six uncomfortable days and seven diarrhea-filled nights), and — get this — personal time with Hulk Hogan and the Body By Vi trainers! If you’ve ever wanted one photo, one high five, and a complete brush-off by the Hulkster himself, now is your chance! Sign up today! (Syringes and Ed “The Mule” Leslie sold separately.) -Eric

Lose Some Weight Flatso!

Over at ProWrestling.net they some news about WWE telling Manu he needs to lose some weight. Never mind all of the other fat guys on the roster they decided to target this Samoan guy right off the bat. Has anyone looked at Big Shows waist lately? He is back to his old BIG self and no one is whispering a word to that guy. Instead, the guy who has a genetic resistance to being skinny is singled out and told he is fat. Nice move, here we have a Little Big Show on our hands and they are preventing him from fulfilling natural his born role. How else are we going to have that dream angle of Boogeyman placing a curse on Big Show and as he rolls under the ring an incredibly shorter version rolls out the other side? How else is JR going to yell “I don’t believe what I just saw.” -Jeremy

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