Finally, it’s time to take a look at the roster of WWE ECW, the red-headed (no offense, Sheamus) stepchild (no offense, Sheamus) of World Wrestling Entertainment. While no longer your daddy’s ECW, Brand No. 3 has turned into a proving ground for new talent (CM Punk, John Morrison, Jack I Love You Swagger) and a place for cast-offs (Christian, William Regal) to ply their trades with a little angle behind them. ECW’s is a small roster, making this a short read (plus they seem to do a lot of even-steven booking; see Burchill, Paul v. Cane, Hurri), and this will probably be the blog entry that doesn’t rank the wrestlers by tier but rather “in order.” But hey, it’s my chance to rank the useless, vapid Bella Twins all the way at the bottom!
(1) Christian: He’s the champ and he wins a lot. He gets the mic and can talk a lot. He still probably won’t headline pay-per-views anytime soon, but after his few-year hiatus, he won the ECW Championship, which means he gets to be on pay-per-views, which means exposure and bonuses. It’s nice to see WWE likes him, they really like him!
(2) William Regal: He’s still being positioned as a/the top contender for the ECW Championship, whether or not Zach Ryder won that battle royal. He gets to talk quite a bit, and he has an entourage. That’s more than the rest of the roster gets. Plus, like Finlay, he’s an old-timer who wrestles tight, which it seems Vince McMahon appreciates.
(3) Sheamus: This big, red blue-chipper is in the same spot Jack Swagger was before being moved to a more prominent brand: getting a push with wins over veterans and talking on occasion. And he deserves it, as he was probably the best prospect in Florida Championship Wrestling at the time he was called up. With his size, good skill, unique look and weird charisma, he could be a big player down the road.
(4) Hurricane Helms: Blecch. He gets that stupid extended entrance, he gets all sorts of face time, and he gets to beat people. God, I hate this fat turd.
(5) Zach Ryder: It seemed for a while that for every win Zach Ryder got over Tyler Reks, he’d lose a match to Goldust or the like. But he kept wrestling on TV, and we all kept deciding we liked him and his ridiculous Guido gimmick. Well, he won a battle royal to face Christian for the title, so that was cool! He’s a goofy fucker with a funny but memorable catchphrase, but Matt Striker is right when he says on commentary that Ryder can be aggressive at times. Which would explain why Ryder got a gimmick and Curt Hawkins is sitting at home not answering his phone.
(6) Goldust: I think Dustin Rhodes is the man — I know he can wrestle and I know he can talk — but it does pain me a little bit to put this 21-year veteran higher on the list than Shelton Benjamin. But that’s Benjamin’s fault.
(7) Ezekiel Jackson/Vladimir Kozlov: I’ll lump these two together because, even though they have distinct looks and personalities, they’re essentially the same person right now. I feel like almost all of the wrestlers above these two would be given wins, even if flukes, against these two, but the wrestlers below them would be less likely to see victory against Regal’s roundtable.
(8) Shelton Benjamin: I love ya, man, but potential don’t pay the bills.
(9) Tommy Dreamer: Probably the best spot for him, someone who can be seen standing next to Christian and not look stupid but who should be putting over younger guys. It’s hard to imagine him beating Zeke or Vlad, but not as hard picturing him pinning Paul Burchill.
(10) Paul Burchill: Poor bastard, stuck trying to unmask the Hurricane. He’s not a great, dynamic wrestler or anything, but he’s serviceable.
(11) Yoshi Tatsu: Has victories over wrestlers higher than him on this list, but he’s still a newbie and has a long way to go. But people who know him better from FCW than I do insist that he could be something big down the road.
(12) Tyler Reks: Turd.
(13) DJ Gabriel: Who?
(14) The women, the least of which being the awful Bella Twins.