Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of iMPACT!

Disney World was as close to TNA's iMPACT! Zone as I wanted to get when I was in Orlando.

So I did a review of Raw in our forum (It’s free sign up!) earlier this week. I decided it’d be fun to start reviewing iMPACT! while drinking (Ska Brewing- Nut Brown Ale – Durango, CO – for the time being). I am starting at 9:58 PM and I’ll wager a guess that I’ll catch up before the end of the show.

My viewing starts with Jeff Hardy half-assing an assault on Abyss. Just the way I wanted things to start. Glad to know that Abyss is throwing punches that couldn’t hurt someone with brittle bones. The iMPACT Zone is almost silent. TNA has ruined Jeff Hardy. I know I’ve mentioned it before but it’s worth repeating. I’m only five minutes in and it feels like it’s been an eternity. And then they cut it before Abyss is even subdued. Shouldn’t they beat up the security guards and go at it a bit longer?

Bischoff comes out and starts flapping his gums. Glad he’s highlighting the fact that TNA is blatantly stealing the Nexus story line. It’s a rehash, but this angle started a month after the WWE pulled the trigger. The doctors aren’t sure if he has head trauma a week after he was attacked? Even TNA’s doctors suck. Another tournament in TNA. You should see the look of non-shock on my face.

Jeff Hardy starts out against “The Freak” Rob Terry. I’m already regretting my gumption. The Zone is still way too quiet with even a Hardy in the ring. Matt gets more of a pop on Smackdown! Dusty and I talked about tattoo sleeves in wrestling on the audio. I like Jeff’s unlike Randy Orton’s. Jeff’s neck tattoo is awful, though. Nice of Jeff to barely catch Terry with his legs. I’ll rate the rest of the matches in comparison to this one. I start at Rating: “Blowing.”

A 45 minute talk derailed my plans to catch up. I started this blog though so I’m seeing it through.

Hulk Hogan is yapping about quitting to someone.  He just compared RVD to the President. Wow. Really, either can die and things would keep on chugging. Maybe it’s not as absurd as I thought at first.

Jay Lethal is in the top eight? Seriously? I think the kid is kind of getting back on track but not this well. Another promo about assholes. At least he’s getting about the same reaction as he did in the WWE. The match wasn’t anything special. Rating: “Better but still sloppy.”

Angelina Love is almost as bad a babyface as Melina.

TNA replays the Motor City Machine Gun’s victory celebration on reACTION. By the way Alex, if TNA is in fact the best promotion for tag team wrestling, you may as well say that tag team wrestling is dead.

I completely forgot that Love won the belt last week on the “Whole F’N Show.” What did TNA do right this week? Pretty much put Velvet Sky and Angelina back together. Whatever with the beat down afterwards. Just reveal Tara and be done with it. We’re not intrigued. I’m not five and ready to enjoy “Murder, She Wrote.”

Ric Flair is yapping. Big, bad, Doug? Way to pump him up, Ric. At least you talked up Morgan, gramps. I almost thought Flair was going to say “Smile and blow me.” It would have been awesome. Dixie interrupts a good promo by AJ. Flair’s reaction was awesome after Dreamer yelled at him. Foley is not good. Dreamer is doing fine enough on the mic but you can’t take him seriously. He’s blown for years.

Kurt Angle doing a nice short and sweet promo about Doug Williams. He did more to pump Williams up than Flair. Rating: “Good.” I hope no one expected a match play-by-play. If you haven’t noticed, you’re shit out of luck in that department.

Mr. Anderson is talking into a mirror (The Hervey loves that shot) and talking about the misfortune of RVD. What dreck.

Nash looks ridiculous in that striped shirt. I’m not sure why exactly, it just looks kind of funny on him. Nash, you suck. Please leave if you’re asked. Oooooooh. He swore. You’re so edgy. Fuck. Twat. Bull shit. Damn, Jeff Jarrett. Who are any of these three representing? Fortune is 7 people. EV2.0 is a bunch of people. Hogan shows up to whoop some ass? This match could work on a special attraction level. I guess a Fortune beat down helps answer one of my earlier questions. Nice way to hold off on the special attraction match. The crowd is still not impressed in anway. I do hear a “You Suck” chant starting but naturally the director cuts to commercial break. Brilliant plan moron.

Tommy Dreamer and crew yap. Raven is being talked down to like a child. The segment cuts out when it seems like more could develop out of it.

“The Pope” is taking on Matt Morgan. Wasting another match that should have PPV drawing power. Brilliant. Three faces have advanced, could this possibly be an all face Final Four? So let me get this straight, Fortune is all powerful but both of their men in the Title Tourney lost? And quickly? I’m shaking in my boots. Rating: “Good but short.”

Mick Foley is griping about getting his ass handed to him. He’s ready to whoop some ass. Good luck with that, rolly polly.

Tommy Dreamer is back to wearing the company t-shirt. Big move up the ladder Tommy. Keep deluding yourself. Tazz, AJ is not a super jock. He’d have a real resume in some other sport if he was. I can’t believe I just saw and then heard Mike Tenay say Abyss cost Tommy Dreamer the match. TNA thinks Dreamer is close to his level? Fucking hell. I’m edgy because I swear in my reviews. Rating: “Brutal garbage ending.” – Kevin

One Response to “Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of iMPACT!”

  1. stuntgranny 2010-08-19 at 11:15 pm #

    “Good luck with that rolly polly” is the best sentence ever constructed. Excellence.

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