Do hawks have nostrils? You bet they do!

This is totally not Stunt Granny-type news, but I’ll deliver it in vague, smart-ass Stunt Granny fashion: You all know Iowa Hawkeyes wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianous went down for possession of things none of us have ever tried before, substances like dust, toot, The Lady, booger sugar, green, Mary Jane (she must be the other Lady) and fine stuff.

Well, word around the campfire is a few other Iowa Hawkeyes have been found flying Mexican Airlines and powdering the white pony. I wouldn’t touch this with A-Rod that was 10 feet long, but I bet that news would hit me like a shot to my testicles, which, since I’m one-quarter Irish, I have named McNutt. More to come?

P.S. This was posted at 2:52 p.m. central Monday, Dec. 13. If it turns out to be accurate, I totally want a Pulitzer.