Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of the Royal Rumble

Are You Ready to Rumble?

I’m actually going live for a change since this starts the road to Wrestlemania for the WWE and Stunt Granny. I’m hoping my dogs are down for the count tonight. I’ve kept them busy today with activity so I’ll keep my fingers crossed that I can see this show out. OK, time to start the barley with my homemade chicken stock.

I’m not surprised that a Championship match started this show. They aren’t screwing around though since there’s no review of the Ziggler and Edge build up. Vickie taunts Edge about the stipulation of not being able to use the spear. Kent State stomped on Toledo earlier today. Let’s see if KSU goes 2-0 today. I have my doubts. Edge starts off taking it to Dolph. Ziggler takes over when they come back into the ring. Ziggler worked over the neck. Edge got temporary relief with a silly ass catapult. By the way, it’s really weak watching this in standard definition. I didn’t find an HD feed from my cable provider. Boo!

I’m going to try and update about every five minutes. I have no idea when this started but I’d say we’re around the 10 minute mark. It’s been solid but nothing special so far. The double cross body seems sillier than a double clothesline for some reason.

Ziggler & Edge both get three counts off of counters. Ziggler took a rough landing on Edge’s move. Dolph gets another two count after reversing the top rope cross body. The crowd starts chanting for Ziggler. Nice but short lived.  Edge locks in a sideways(?)  Sharpshooter. Ziggler breaks it on the ropes.  Edge misses another cross body. That’s his 3rd of the match. Ziggler only gets a two count from the Fame Asser.  I’m amused by the Push Zach Ryder sign.  Edge sets up for the spear, thinks better of it then Ziggler got the sleeper momentarily. Edge hit the Impaler DDT. Vickie pulls on referee.

Kelly Kelly attacks Vickie. Dolph connects with the Zig Zag but Edge kicks out. Nice but weird sequence. Double K better have a good reason on this coming Smackdown. Ziggler locks in the sleeper. This could be the most boring way to win a championship. The referee gets knocked down. Vickie is still out and Edge thinks and connects with the spear. Cole is freaking out. Now, he’s just starting to be a heel version of his bad face persona. Edge wins with the Unprettier. Cole has no idea how the Oscars are picked. Cole, he would have had to done his acting last year dummy.

Did they cancel the match between the women? I haven’t checked the news in the last 24 hours. Maybe they’re using it as a buffer between the meaningful title matches.  Miz has a promo with an awful jacket. Bad choice hoss. Worst thing you’ve done in a while. Miz gets cheap heat making fun of Tom Brady.  I find it a little weird that Riley does some of Miz’s promo. I’m fine with him getting mic time but not saying what Miz will do.

Miz gets his ass kicked to start the match. Cole notes that Edge did the same thing as Miz to win the match. You just said your boy cheated the Cole. He’s terrible again. It just dawned on me that Matthews isn’t out there. He’d help guide this match along. Cole is too worried being a color commentator these days. The Miz gets in some offense finally.  I’m digging this match’s beginning a bit more than the other one.

Orton gets back into it with a back body drop. Randy Orton almost forgets to kick out.Orton drops Miz on his yam bag as Taz would say. Orton only gets a two count from a super-plex. Miz slides outside the ring after the back breaker. Miz adding to the number of people who have started to counter Orton’s suspension DDT as the announcers called it.  Miz channels his inner Randy Savage with a double axe handle off the top rope.

Miz catapults Orton into the ring post. Cole does a good job selling the count. Orton’s power slam looked off today. Miz hits the Reality Check but only gets the two.

Orton with an Angle Slam. Miz rolls out of the ring and tries to leave ring side.  Miz gets the upper hand again. Orton hits the suspension DDT the second time around. exus comes out for no reason other than to allow Miz to win. Punk gives Orton the GTS.Punk drags Miz on top of Orton so he can get te cheap win. Cole gets to be more annoying. Yay us. Thanks for entering Mike Tenay territory Cole.

Cody Rhodes gets a statement read by Todd Grisham. Wow, they are putting a lot of effort into a piece of garbage like Rhodes. Oh goody, an ask the crowd segment. Can we say filler?

More filler that made me go to the kitchen to finish my dinner. My buddy Sean threw my day off by an hour and a half so I missed why Eve was added to the match to make it a four way dance. It makes more sense.  Natalya locks in a double sharp shooter that is quickly broken up by McCool. McCool drilled  Layla with a boot to the grill.  Eve wins with McCool making a pin behind her. It was a nice moonsault by Eve to get the pin. What a weird winner. Eve has barely been on TV. Does she look better for press appearances?

Daniel Bryan and Gail Kim are being lovely dovey. Bryan says it’d be cool if he went from nerd to going to Wrestlemania ina  year. The Bellas fake apologize. Gail goes off. Caaaaaaaaaat Fight!!!! (TM Joey Styles). Yeah, he’s a dork for picking Gail Kim. Cole, you are really annoying me and I’m just now going to start drinking.

CM Punk draws number one. The Corre shows up and surrounds the ring. Nexus comes out to save Punk. Cole tells us that the GM wants the brawl to end. he GM throws down the gauntlet. Daniel Bryan draws number 2. The internet just wet their pants.

It’s Gail Kim, it’s not really a girlfriend – Matt Stryker is so fucking clueless. Justin Gabriel goes right after Punk. Zach Ryder comes in and looks good for a little bit then gets chucked by Bryan for his second elimination. William Regal is a minor surprise. I forget about him sometimes. Not sure I’ve even seen him on Superstars. Ted DiBiase shaved. Good for him.

Bryan almost elimnates DiBiase but he holds on. John Morrison comes in on fire. I would have said he was a dark horse to win but this is too earlyan entrance.  Morrison stays in the match by clinging onto the wall and jumping onto the stairs. That was crazy. Morrison really had to trust himself to hold onto that small wall. DiBiase eliminated Regal. See you Willie! Yoshi Tatsu has a chance to impress. Stryker points out that only one Smackdown wrestler has entered so far.

Styker mocks Husky Harris’ shape. Nice work.  Yoshi & Bryan take turns kicking poor Ted. King bombs with a joke. cole has to leave it alone it’s so bad. Chavo is lucky number ten. Chavo looking strong until Husky flattens him. Who pulls my lucky number? Mark Henry.

JTG comes in while I was updating. McGillicutty comes in to help out Punk more. JTG goes out by Mikey’s drop kick. DiBiase goes bye bye. Chris Masters comes in. No surprise entrants yet.  Masters tries to toss Punk by the Full Nelson. Bad idea. Cole talks up both Punk & Bryan for lasting this long already. David Otunga comes out. Nexus getting a big numbers advantage. They  should and do start chucking people starting with Bryan. Masters gets tossed. Morrison hangs on more but gets eliminated. The four of Nexus gang up on Henry. Glad they took their time to beat Henry down. Tyler Recks comes running to the ring. Cole points out that if they can eliminate everyone as they come in, they can win the Rumble easily. Recks goes packing.

King is wondering how they did it. They all got shitty draws but it worked out in their favor should have been Basically how they answered it. Instead, Punk is a great leader. He may be, but he couldn’t have picked their numbers on purpose. Kozlov comes and goes quickly.

R-Truth running into harms way. What a bunch of dummies. King & Stryker point out the obvious idea that the entrants should wait for others to show up. Stryker finally points out my argument about that they got draws that were close together. The Great Khali is our first semi-surprise. Khali cleans house and starts with tossing Harris. I wondered who’d break up this party. Mason Ryan comes in. Ryan gets  his ass kicked but Khali misjudges his charge and Ryan gets to eliminate him.

Booker T comes in and cleans house. HE goes for the spinarooni and the crowd eats it up. Ryan eliminates Booker T. Hey, who wouldn’t take that pay day? Punk is awesome. John Cena is the next person to enter the ring. He takes a little more time. Smart man.  Cena low bridges Ryan then quickly eliminates the other two lackies. The crowd is eating it up.I grabbed a Magic Hat Winter Seasonal called Howl. Hornswoggle comes in as a joke.Punk gives him a spinning back kick. Awesome.

Punk gets eliminated by Attitude Adjustment. Hornswoggle gets helped up. Tyson Kidd gets to play with Hornie. What did Kidd do to deserve selling an Attitude Adjustment from Hornswoggle? The crowd needed a good break with some comedy. Booker was a nostaglia break. Slater comes in and gets his ass kicked. Double Five Knuckle Shuffle. Tad Pole splash and Slater gets pitched. Kofi comes in to make for an odd situation.

They do the respect and looking at the Wrestlemania sign and go at it. Jack Swagger comes in. Swagger could reestablish himself in this match. He’s not going to win it. Swagger gets in the triple jump splash on Cena. Kofi cross body blocks Swagger. Double Boom Boom drop. So much for reestablishing Swagger. Sheamus hits the ring. Cole notes that he dislikes Hornswoggle. Hornie gets pie faced by Sheamus. Sheamus then Rogue kicks Hornie off the top rope. I’m glad the comedy is done. Rey Mysterio is the next out.

Sheamus eats the trouble in Paradise kick. Mysterio elimnates Swagger with a sort of reverse 619. Barrett comes to the ring. He assaulted everyone. Barrett looked to pitch Kofi but Rey drop kicked him in the legs. Dolph Ziggler comes out for possible redemption. Ziggler becomes trivia by being the first number 31.  Rey helps out Cena. Diesel has some seriously dyed hair. Everyone in the ring is in awe. Diesel cleans house. McIntyre is the next out. He goes right after Diesel.

Wow, Diesel getting some serious chants. The crowd even boos a 619 to Diesel. Alex Riley comes out and Cole wets himself.  Barrett eliminated by Barrett. Enjoy the pay day Kevin. Miz joins the broadcast crew. Big Show is number 35. Stryker tries to compare Big Show to other famous athletes in Boston but Cole drowns him out for some reason.

Ziggler gets tossed by Big Show. Ezekiel Jackson comes in and tossing Big Show. Impressive.Barrett raises Jackson’s hand.  See Cole, didn’t Nexus want to have draws later in the match? Now the Corre is controlling the action. Santino is number 37.He goes after Sheamus then Jackson. They punk him out quickly. The Corre works to toss Cena. They fail. Del Rio shows up in a Bentley. He’s been the smartest competitor so far. Take your time getting to the ring. Stryker tells us that Riley was eliminated. Miz stays on commentary. Orton hits the ring. He takes out Del Rio promptly. Cole tells us we only have one guy left.

Orton quickly tossed Sheamus and Kofi, in the opposite order. Orton and Cena have a show down. Kane is the last entrant. They hype up how many people Kane  has eliminated in this match. Kane low bridges Jackson. What a cheap elimination for Kane. Cole hypes the final entrants- Rey, Kane, Cena, Barrett, Orton. Rey eliminates Kane who then got bumped off the ring apron. Cena and Barrett pair off. Orton and Del Rio is the other two some.

Cena and Orton had another show down but didn’t do much. Barrett & Del Rio switch partners. Del Rio takes the Attitude Adjustment. Miz then eliminates Cena after Alex Riley ran interference. Cena was my pick so looks like I was wrong. I’d go with Orton now. Orton hits a couple of his signature moves. Barrett goes by Orton who quickly gets tossed by Del Rio. Wow, they are sticking a rocket in his ass. Santino staggers back into the ring. Santino loads the Cobra. Santino celebrates. Santino gets reversed and tossed out. Del Rio is the winner a second time. He still has a rocket in his ass. Roberto Rodriguez does a good hype job. See this is what managers bring WWE.Del Rio does the obiligatory point at the Wrestlemania sign as fireworks go off around it.

Night kids. Jeremy and I will be back tomorrow night talking about the show so further analysis then. – Kevin

7 Responses to “Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of the Royal Rumble”

  1. Avatar
    steve from cali 2011-01-30 at 8:17 pm #

    when do we get our rumble numbers?

  2. Avatar
    steve from cali 2011-01-30 at 9:27 pm #

    i cant find the rumble pick em game number draws. rumble is starting.

  3. stuntgranny
    stuntgranny 2011-01-30 at 9:30 pm #

    One sec, I’m posing them here… – Dusty

  4. stuntgranny
    stuntgranny 2011-01-30 at 9:44 pm #

    Numbers…

    Fanatic – 8 Yoshi Tatsu, 11 Mark Henry, 27 Jack Swagger, 36 Ezekiel Jackson
    Twist of Phate – 5 William Regal, 10 Chavo Guerrero, 25 Heath Slater, 34 Alex Riley
    Steve from Cali – 6 Ted DiBiase, 18 R-Truth, 20 Mason Ryan, 24 Tyson Kidd
    Jeff Brown – 2 Daniel Bryan, 12 JTG, 33 Drew McIntyre, 35 The Big Show
    Travis Bryant – 14 Chris Masters, 17 Vladimir Kozlov, 19 The Great Khali, 38 Alberto Del Rio
    Cali – 1 CM Punk, 22 John Cena, 23 Hornswoggle, 31 Dolph Ziggler
    SteveMHW – 13 Michael McGillicutty, 16 Tyler Reks, 30 Wade Barrett, 37 Santino Marella
    Zourah – 3 Justin Gabriel, 9 Husky Harris, 15 David Otunga, 39 Randy Orton
    Mauer – 7 John Morrison, 26 Kofi Kingston, 32 Kevin Nash, 40 Kane
    Alouishus – 4 Zack Ryder, 21 Booker T, 28 Sheamus, 29 Rey Mysterio

    • stuntgranny
      stuntgranny 2011-01-30 at 11:05 pm #

      Congrats to Travis Bryant! You are this year’s winner!!!

  5. stuntgranny
    stuntgranny 2011-01-31 at 12:15 pm #

    I meant to clear that up in the blog and didn’t. I’m an ass. – K

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