"I'm gonna punch you if you're not careful, Nelson!"

This is a sad one: According to Prowrestling.net, Jerry “The King” Lawler’s mother Hazel passed away Sunday at the age of 90. Yes, 90, we’re all just as surprised as you are. Surprised that someone in Memphis waited until they were 30 to have a child. God, I’m terrible, I apologize. My sincere condolences go out to Lawler and his family, and I can only hope that the day I meet him, shake his hand and tell him he’s one of my all-time favorites that he hadn’t read this.

There’s also a chance Lawler will miss Monday Night Raw tonight, six days before the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view where Lawler has a WWE Championship match (I’m sorry, “opportunity”) against The Miz. Don’t know how WWE will get around that, unless they simply acknowledge that he isn’t there because of his mother’s death, then have someone like Dusty Rhodes or Sgt. Slaughter come out and take a beating from Miz and Alex Riley. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I were in charge, but who am I to say? I also think Kelly Kelly could be a huge draw, and I once pitched that Ted DiBiase of all fucking people win Money in the Bank at WrestleMania and beat Randy Orton for the title. S-M-R-T. -Eric