Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

italiano feastDoes Jerry Lawler normally introduce Raw? I FF thru this quite often but I’m pretty sure that’s a Michael Cole job. OH, he’s in the ring for a Hall of Fame Forum to start the show. The only thing better than a 15 minute talking segment is a 15 minute talking segment with HOFs. Hulk Hogan comes down first. Then Ric Flair. Finally, we get Shawn Michaels who keeps himself off of TV more than the other two. Smart planning on his part. Michaels implies Cena should hang it up. Hogan thinks you can’t count on Cena. Flair gives Brock the win easy. Michaels & Flair try to talk sense into Hogan. John Cena interrupts them. He’s wearing red and yellow to suck up to Hogan and to plug more merchandise that will surely fly off the shelves. Cena uses their point to launch his counter argument. Cena is going to bring the fight to Brock at Night of Champions. It’s the biggest rematch of his life? Wasn’t that the fight against the Rock? Good segment.

Rusev is set to take on Jack Swagger again. He is still without Zeb Colter. He’s definitely not Mark Henry. JBL is staying in character since he’s ripping on Swagger by way of the US angle but it is weird to me. Aren’t most of the roster American? So someone American is going to beat him eventually. I think it all stems from the weirdness of turning a heel tandem into a baby face act. Rusev was in control until the break.  Swagger takes over. He goes for the Swagger Bomb. Rusev tries to counter but Swagger grabs the ankle for the Patriot Lock. Rusev crawls under the ropes. Rusev slams Swagger against the apron. Rusev takes his time going for The Accolade but Swagger turns it into the Patriot Lock. Rusev works over the ribs. Rusev keeps kicking Swagger in the back against the middle rope. Rusev stomps away at Swagger’s ribs. The referee calls for the bell.

Bo Dallas talks to a hurting Jack Swagger in the trainer’s room. Funny little segment. Sheamus is on the head set for the #1 Contendership for the US Title. It’s between RVD & Cesaro. Neither has been racking up the wins recently. Cesaro should get the win since we’d get heel vs face. They have already done a segment with Sheamus & Cesaro on Main Event. Split legged moonsault is when I tune back into the actual match. RVD goes for the Five Star early. Cesaro rolls out of the ring. Cesaro hit the Neutralizer for the win. Cesaro taunts Sheamus. No reason to act that cocky on your current two win streak. (Next Day Note: These two work well together but can they do enough to get themselves out of their own mediocrity? I hope so but I think Cesaro needs mic time. They also need a longish feud.)

Paige Barb Wire Bat

From WWE.com

Natalya is in the ring knowing that she won’t win the Divas Championship from Paige. The ref separates Paige & Natalya. Paige takes advantage and decks Natalya. Paige can’t even make the Abdominal Stretch palatable for Eric Nelson. Natalya reverses it.Natalya hits a big fore arm. She slaps on the Sharp Shooter. Paige gets the break. Paige tries for the PTO.  Paige Turner for the win. AJ Lee’s music hits. Natalya hits Paige with a discus clothesline. AJ calls Paige he “Little English Muffin.” I bought some total health ones this past weekend. AJ is going to show her sincere and slowly hugs her. She then kisses her hand. (Next Day Note: This women’s angle is the first interesting one since, I’m not completely sure. I’m going to guess it involved Trish Stratus which means it was a while ago.)

Kane does a funeral for Dean Ambrose. It’s a celebration for Seth Rollins. He comes out wearing a black suit. Appropriate. He blames the crowd for Ambrose’s demise. Ambrose didn’t realize how out classed he was. Ambrose’s career is now full of “What ifs?” We’ll never see Ambrose again which means he’s definitely coming back. Roman Reigns comes out. Kane meets him at ring side. Reigns tosses Kane into the stairs. Reigns nails Rollins with the podium. Just as Reigns goes for the Spear, Kane yanks Rollins out of the ring. It’s a feud that makes sense. Goldust & Stardust have a gold opportunity. The stars are aligned tonight. They continue to be weird.

They are taking on the Usos for the Tag Team Titles. It’s fun to have the Rhodes brothers back in the title picture. They work well together. Goldust and Stardust hit moves to the outside to pep the match up. Right in time for a break. Goldust is working over Jimmy. They collide with cross body blocks. Stardust & Jey go at it. Jey wins the hot tag battle. Samoan Drop on Goldust. Jey leaps over the top rope and nails Stardust. Jey sells an “injury” and gets counted out. Goldust accuses them of faking the injury. They attack the Usos. Ah. Interesting surprise. See Mr. Russo, a surprise doesn’t need to be large. The Dusts will have to change up their promos now.

Brock Lesnar thinks John Cena’s no quit mantra hurt him more than it helped him. Paul Heyman killing it even in a taped segment. He tells Cena this was a bad mistake to invoke the rematch clause.

Dolph Ziggler is sporting the US Title. The Miz gets to come out in a suit. The Miz introduces his stunt double. Damien “Miz”dow is introduced. I would have been better with a real man servant for the Miz. He joins the broadcast team. Ziggler nails a drop kick. The Miz is waiting for his rematch to fight Ziggler again. Sandow takes over. He slaps on the figure four. Zig Zag out of the blue for the win. Let the Jeff Hardy speculation begin.

Sibling RivalryJerry Lawler wants to bring the Bellas back together. We don’t care whether they are together or not. I’m not sure why he can solve the problem. Nikki Bella gets the first entrance. Brie Bella gets the first mic time. I love how Nikki is going at Brie. But are they going to have to play this stupidity up on Total Divas. Brie starts crying. Lawler tries to stop the berating but Nikki screams him out of the ring. Nikki wished Brie died in the womb. She then attacks Brie. Nikki is way better. Way to go King. Excellent idea.

Roman Reigns is in the ring. Corporate Kane & Seth Rollins are fighting him. Reigns divides and conquers early. Kane gets back into the ring and attacks Reigns. The heels gain control. Reigns back drops Rollins out of the ring. Reigns takes it to Kane. Rollins gets tossed around outside. Apron drop kick on Kane by Reigns. Spear by Reigns on Kane. Rollins attacks with the briefcase. Rollins tosses Reigns outside. They pull up box #1 for the cinder blocks again. Reigns fights out of the predicament. Reigns grabs a single block and walks in front of Rollins. Reigns has good aim and nails the post with the cinder block which isn’t a cinder block because it explode. Lawler takes shrapnel.  On replay, Reigns went broad side with the toss. Much better plan. I thought he went narrow end. Bray Wyatt thinks that John Cena is suffering. Wyatt needs to show him mercy by putting him down. Cena is so getting a win.

Slater & Gator get their first inset promo and ring time. They get to beat Los Matadores. They get control on Slater early. Head scissors take over. Slater gets hit with a drop kick. Diego, I guess, gets distracted by Titus O’Neil. Slater takes over. O’Neil gives some back breakers. Slater & Gator bicker. O’Neil is getting in more of the offense for their team. Slater gets caught in a cross pin by Whatever the other guy’s name is. Los Matadores get the win. I suppose that makes me wrong. Straight comedy act for those two.

Kofi Kingston is taking on Bo Dallas. Kingston takes over early. Dallas knees Kofi in the gut. Kingston hits Dallas with spring board knees. Dallas pushes Kofi off the top rope. Running Bo-dog for the win. We get a victory lap. Swagger comes out and dumps Dallas after his “Bo-lieve” speech.

John Cena takes on Bray Wyatt in the main event. Cena cracks him with a big clothesline. Cena suplexes Wyatt. Cena with a side suplex. Vertical suplex. Cena beats down Wyatt in the corner. Another German Suplex. Cena with another big clothes line. Wyatt fights back finally. Cena double legs Wyatt. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan jump in. Big Show & Mark Henry come out to make the save. Not surprisingly, we’ve got a six man match after the break. Big Show is taking it to Rowan. Mark Henry takes over. Rowan fights back. He tags in Wyatt. He looks to regain some credibility. Luke Harper gets to join in the fun. Big Show gets a hot tag. Harper drop kicks Big Show who is charging around. Big Boot by Rowan. I agree with Michael Cole that it is impressive what these big men can do. Rowan at a minimum hasn’t given me a reason to hate him. Harper is better. Big Show choke slams Wyatt to get an opening. Cena gets the real hot tag. He starts lighting everyone up. STF on Harper who taps. Attitude Adjustment on Rowan. Big Show & Mark Henry toss Wyatt to Cena. Another AA. Harper gets an AA for good measure. They did what they need to to get his stock raised again. Still thinking Lesnar wins again. – Kevin

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