Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw



I’m trying to do two fantasy football drafts and this column at the same time. This is not going to be best for business. Let’s roll.

Chris Jericho comes out for the Highlight Reel. Before he can just interview Randy Orton, the male portion of The Authority come out. HHH gets in his shots at Jericho first. Randy Orton is round two. Kane gets round three. Seth Rollins is left for last. John Cena interrupts because he’s still pissed off. Cena gets to play up the lawyer angle to come up with more fantasy than any of us could. Seth Rollins gets to advise HHH that they could always use Plan B if Cena does happen to beat Brock Lesnar. Randy Orton wants his rematch that he’s never gotten. Jericho gets to speak for Roman Reigns, who finally hits the ring. Reigns does get some mic time however. He’s nothing fancy but doing better. HHH puts together a six man tag match to determine who gets the title match. One draft is over. Thank goodness. (Next Day Note: Sad thing is I don’t think I missed much with a pedestrian opening segment.)

Dolph Ziggler & Sheamus are taking on The Miz & Cesaro in what is already shaping up to be a tag team heavy Raw. Dolph gets worked over early including Cesaro dropping the elbows on him. The Miz comes in and Ziggler continues to go for the face. Sheamus gives us the clubbing blows. Cesaro hits a nice drop kick with a quick break. The Miz is in the powder chair at ring side. Sheamus hits the battering ram off the top rope. And done with the second draft. Ziggler gets the hot tag. Cesaro breaks up a pin. Damien Sandow comes in and gets Zig Zagged. Miz sneaks in and hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Bad move by Ziggler. Jerry Lawler is buying the act of the Miz for some reason. Confusion reigns. (Next Day Note: The Miz is the clear cut heel. There’s no gray area with him. I can accept Lawler pulling for someone who has leeway but this one makes no sense.) The confusion continues with the continuation of the Bella Twin angle. We now get a Growing Up Bella segment. Nikki lost her special boy toy who she liked so much she never asked him out for four years in high school to Brie at prom. We’re supposed to feel sorry for her. I think that kid copped a feel on twins. Good on him. (Next Day Note: The only way to improve that situation is to have both of them at the same time.)

Even the Divas are in on the tag team act. Six woman tag match. It takes me until the match is DQed to figure out the teams because no one got introduced. Rosa Mendes is on the new Total Divas is the only take away from this segment. And that Summer Rae & Layla are conveniently baby face while Eva Marie is with the heels so that the numbers will work fine. Even the Total Divas bump isn’t working any more. (Next Day Note: The WWE Creative staff has no idea what to do with Rosa Mendes so let’s toss her on Total Divas. But who writes that show if Creative doesn’t? Do they get help from E!? I look forward to the show getting her nowhere like it’s done for everyone else. The Bellas have been on the hot track because of their twin status well before this show.)

Mark Henry starts against Erick Rowan. The announcers can only talk about how large everyone involved is because, um, we can’t discern that for ourselves? Henry is wearing out Rowan. Luke Harper distracts Henry and gets to take over on him before the break. The Wyatts are working over Henry. The WWE makes sense again by having Rusev & Lana come out during this match. Big Show gets tossed into the barricade so that the Wyatts can get an upper hand again. Rowan gets to slam Big Show but it only gets a two count. Henry gets a tag finally. Power slam pin gets broken up by Rowan. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam on Harper when Rusev kicks Henry in the mouth. Big Show makes the save with a chair. Nikki gets another Growing Up Bella segment. Yuck. Nikki passed the driving test but Brie didn’t. Nikki had to drive them every where. Brie stole the car and totaled the car. She gave the police officer Nikki’s ID.

I have not watched the Kardashians. I definitely don't want to watch more of the Bellas.

I have not watched the Kardashians. I definitely don’t want to watch more of the Bellas.

We get a replay of Brock Lesnar‘s sit down video from last week. Paul Heyman gets to talk about over something or another. Cena was now emasculated. HHH sees John Cena as a cash cow who will be milked for the last time at Night of Champions. The collective power of the locker room isn’t good enough preparation for Brock Lesnar. Heyman never did explain his big word very well. Or base his promo around it. (Next Day Note: I should have known this show was bad when Heyman hit a single for a promo.)

Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter came to the ring before the break. They show Bo Dallas costing Swagger his match last week against Rusev. Curtis Axel is wrestling him. Bo Dallas comes out with with a pair of chairs to the side of him. Oh, the third chair isn’t for him. Swagger turns a Swagger Bomb into a Patriot Lock after Axel tries to counter the bomb. Axel taps out. Bo Dallas introduces us to Americans who were let down by Swagger for losing to Rusev. A farmer bet on Swagger. His farm deserves to be taken away for making that dumb bet. Angelo failed his citizenship test because of how distraught he was. Stupid emotional Italians. Jennifer’s son now wants to be like Vladimir Putin. He’s watching some serious judo on Youtube. We need to Bo-Lieve. (Next Day Note: Can’t Bo just have a problem with Swagger? Does Dallas go over in this feud? His gimmick seems stuck in quicksand much like Rusev’s.)

Adam Rose gets back on TV. He is taking on Titus O’Neil. Heath Slater is at ring side. Slater acts like an idiot on the outside. The Bunny wiggles it’s butt at Slater who pushes him down. The Bunny double legs Slater. O’Neil is distracted. Rose rolls him up for the win. The Bunny tosses Slater into the stairs. Growing Up Bella part Three. Brie needed to bring up her average to get through high school. Nikki took her final tests so that she’d pass. These twins are the most opposite I’ve ever met. (Next Day Note: What is the point of giving two joke gimmicks essentially no time? Even jokes need time to get over.)

Rusev & Lana come out for a match. Labor Day is for lazy people. They’re celebrating knowledge in Russia today. Should I make vodka jokes? Nah. Zack Ryder is his opponent again because no one else on the roster are low enough for Rusev to beat. The Accolade. Mark Henry comes out to have a show down with Rusev, who walks away. Henry is going to open up an international wing of the Hall of Pain. (Next Day Note: That may be the highlight of Raw. Sad state of affairs.) Stephanie and HHH are being cute with each other. Steph mockingly sympathizes with Nikki’s plight.



Stephanie invites Nikki to the ring. They try to have a coming together. Steph calls her the face of the Divas Division. She grants Nikki a chance at the Diva’s Title. Brie is a super sleuth and determines that it was all for a shot at the Diva’s Title. They cat fight between each other. AJ Lee shows up much to everyone’s delight. She wants her rematch because she hasn’t gotten it yet. Paige finally shows up. So are AJ & Paige going down to the Bellas level or are they coming up to Steph’s level? Nikki wants Brie to quit for her. These stories don’t intersect. Nikki berates her. Brie tosses Nikki into Paige. About time Brie show some spine. AJ picks up the Divas Title and skips around with it. Steph doesn’t look happy. She stops AJ and requests the championship. AJ relinquishes it. Steph gives it back to Paige. (Next Day Note: Aside from the WWE’s obsession with having twins in the Diva’s Title picture, is there a real reason for intersecting these feuds? Am I missing something? The Bellas need to fight it out on their own before getting a title shot and AJ & Paige were humming along nicely without anyone’s help and haven’t concluded their feud either.)

Bray Wyatt rambles on like normal. He tells Chris Jericho to run. The Usos are coming out for even more tag action. Jey has a taped up leg from his injury last week. No tag match. Goldust & Stardust come out. Goldust goes for the apology but a skirmish happens. Jimmy is wrestling Goldust. Dust gets the upper hand early. Jimmy hits some clotheslines. A Samoan Drop leads to an ass in the corner. Jey tries to help against Stardust but can’t. Jimmy saves him but costs himself the match. Curtain Call for the win. The Dust Brothers start working over Jey’s leg. When Cole finally does grown a spine, JBL goes silent. The booth is awful. A chair gets slammed against the knee and a ring post. (Next Day Note: JBL needed to sell their new persona but sits there like a bump on a log. Oh and how about a promo from the Dust Brothers? Hopefully you can get us that by Smackdown. Thanks.)

Mark Henry is playing it straight with Big Show. Big Show seems pissed that Henry wants to go it alone against Rusev. Is Big Show going Russian? (Next Day Note: The Big Show brings you Groundhog’s Day. Hey, we don’t have anything fresh for you as a babyface/heel so we’re going to turn you babyface/heel so you get some fresh match ups. Since 1995.)

The entrances for the main even help me catch up quite a bit. John Cena, Chris Jericho & Roman Reigns are taking on Kane, Seth Rollins & Randy Orton. Reigns starts against Orton. Reigns takes him over with ease. Reigns drags Rollins into the match. Rollins gets out of the ring for a break. Reigns is still lighting up Orton. Rollins distracts Reigns. The Authority trio gets to work over Reigns. Orton cut Reigns off at a hope moment. Even the announcers have to be reminded that Jericho is in the match. Reigns tags Jericho in though. Jericho goes hot on Rollins. Lionsault leads to Walls of Jericho. Orton attacks Jericho from behind leading to the finisher bit. Jericho rolls up Rollins. Enziguri by Rollins only gets a two count. Code Breaker as we go to break. Orton power slams Jericho. Rollins waits too long on the top rope. Jericho counters. Kane stops the tag. It isn’t just me that it seems weird to have John Cena prove himself in a match that they may not be involved in much, right? And no one questions this concept as it’s happening? HHH brought the idea up to Jericho but didn’t real endorse it. (Next Day Note: No one can impress in a six man match. If it was an elimination match, I’d understand. It wasn’t.) Cena ends up getting the hot tag any way. Cena cleans up everyone. He hits an AA on Kane. Cena tags in Reigns. Spear to Kane for the win. Cena is jawing with HHH. Rollins attacks. AA on the announce table. JBL asks if Cena is ready for Brock Lesnar. Cena just said “I can beat Brock Lesnar at Night of Champions!” to HHH right in front of your face five seconds ago! Michael Sam has an open mic if he wants it. The WWE pretends Darren Young isn’t gay. He’s still on the roster, right? – Kevin

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