After the normal review, we get started with the handicapped match of Sheamus & Randy Orton against the Big Show. Sheamus should really be smart enough to tag out to Orton to beat the Big Show. I know he’s mad with him and all but that’s plain stupid. Randy gets to be the hot tag tonight. Sure, whatever. The crowd was back to normal on Smackdown. This Raw is no different. Brogue Kick + RKO = win. Snooze. 3MB get mic time because they were beat down by The Shield. They called the Shield out.
3MB gets more mic time, this time in the ring. I’m glad the Shield isn’t wasting their time. Brock Lesnar will though. People are loving Lesnar doing this. Not quite sure why he was ever positioned as a heel. Paul Heyman tells us he wants another match with HHH. This trilogy isn’t getting drug out like Rock vs Cena. Steel cage match is the offer. Disappointing. Expected HIAC.
Hot damn, I rewound for the yoodling. I should shot myself. Antonio Cesaro gets to beat Kofi Kingston. Nice of the WWE to try and make Kofi look like something other than a jobber. Holy shit, they gave them a commercial. I’m not sure I’ve seen Cesaro throw that running uppercut in the corner. That looked really good. Trouble in Paradise knocks Cesaro out of the ring. Trouble in Paradise again. Kofi is the new US Champion. This could be a good move for Cesaro. They did have me hooked by the end.
Buzzed right thru the Dolph Ziggler review for his interview. I still don’t get some of his outfit choices. The leather jacket is not your style. Alberto Del Rio gets to screw up a good promo. I love Ziggler turning him down because of an injury. Vickie Guerrero orders the match. Nice spite ruling. Zeb Colter & Jack Swagger join the party. Del Rio takes out Swagger. Jack gets the jump when Big E distracts Del Rio. Patriot lock does more damage.
The Prime Time Players have shirts now. Kind of simple, kind of slick and the back is a horror house of words. Wow, surprised that the Taker, Kane & Bryan vs. The Shield match will be next week. Not as surprised when they say it will be in London. They try to go a little extra big there. Daniel Bryan takes the beating early. Kane gets the luke warm tag. He destroys Darren Young anyway. Flying Headbutt win.
Ryback was in a dark room. I’m really digging the setting. He’s pissed at Cena because he didn’t help him out when he was being assaulted by the Shield. And Mark Henry. He’s going to step out of John Cena’s shadow. Good promo. All I could think though was, he needs to be able to do this in something other than a specific setting.
Since Jeremy agreed that he wouldn’t be doing previews as I had predicted on Monday, I’m going written for the previews. I’m hoping to do two matches a day including on Sunday. We’ll see if it happens or if I end up stacking them up because I can’t get to them. I’ll be separating them into pairs with one good match and one bad match.
Bad Match
Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay & Tensai) & the Funkadactyls (Naomi & Cameron) vs Team Rhodes Scholars (Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow) & The Bella Twins (Nikki & Brie): I feel bad for just about everyone in this match except for the Bella Twins. They shouldn’t have a roster spot and aren’t hot enough to stick around. From what little I’ve seen in Naomi & Cameron in the ring, they seem better than everyone in the Diva’s division right now except Kaitlyn. I know that isn’t saying much since the division is about as low as it can get now. The fact that the WWE audience continues to cheer dancing big men is infuriating. Brodus Clay got off to a good start but getting more silly with another dancing big man is not the correct direction to head. Cody Rhodes is awesome on the stick but his size continues to hinder him. Damien Sandow has the size and stick skills but the WWE hasn’t given him much to sink his teeth into. The WWE will never be serious about their Tag or Divas divisions again except in small spurts. Predicition: Heels have to win some matches during Wrestlemania and this one has heel victory written all over it.
Good Match
Ryback vs Mark Henry: The build for this match has been almost perfect. If it weren’t for the fact that the WWE has rebuilt Henry more times than I can remember and Ryback has had the same gimmick for six months with a brief feud with CM Punk and the Shield, it would have been better. I’m bored by these guys beating up multiple opponents even if they’re showing off tremendous strength. Let’s get back to the build up though. From the moment they first locked eyes, I was excited for this match. Power on power matches are rarely gems in the ring but they create an atmosphere that all the flipping around can’t recreate. These power matches almost always find themselves in the “No touching before insert pay per view” stipulation which makes the writers a little more creative. The bench press contest was fun and so was using a wrestler, even if Zack Ryder deserves more, as a projectile. Prediction: Ryback wins then the WWE immediately gives him the losing streak gimmick to see what he’s made out of.
It took a day to recover but Jeremy and Kevin are back from UFC 145. What did they enjoy about the event? What can be done to make the live experience better? Who has the better fans? The most important part though is what can WWE and UFC learn from one another? Thy also discuss some sports entertainment as they turn their attention to Monday Night Raw. What worked? What was the actual length of the Brock Lesnar contract signing? Did it clock in less than 45 minutes or was it actually that long? How much fun was the CM Punk boozehound angle? Who saw that coming huh? What does the future hold for Paul Bearer and is Beth Phoenix just that god of an actress? All this and more awaits and all you have to do is download it. Unless you have subscribed to us on iTunes you would have it already.
For anyone that missed Monday Night Raw last night Beth Phoenix lost the Divas Title to one of the Bellas. It doesn’t matter which one since they are gone at the end of the month anyway. What is important was the angle that took place during the match. Supposedly/Apparently Beth Phoenix rolled her ankle and thus lost the title.
At first this looked to be just an angle but now WWE.com has stated it is a legit sprained ankle. But then there is a report at the Wrestling Observer via Gerweck.net that the plan was for her to drop the title anyway so that Kharma could take the title without beating Beth. Beth herself has posted on Twitter about people helping her through the airport this morning.
Thank you to everyone that helped me thru the airport this morning. Will keep every posted on MRI and xray results. Believe me…nothing …hurts worse than my heart right now after the loss and even worse thought of missing competition. But i have been bere before, and if…there is one thing Beth Phoenix knows how to do, it’s rise from the ashes. The title will be mine again. #unbreakable
So what is the truth? Did she happen to hurt her ankle in a stroke of good luck, if you can call it that? Was that incorporated in to the match or was it part of the plan? It sure looked harmless but then the dumbest injuries usually come from something silly. In this case that something silly is the task of jumping off the apron, three feet, to the padded floor.
So, here’s wishing Beth the best of luck in her injury or fake injury. On a selfish note if you need any help with rehab hit me up. @grannymaes on Twitter. -Jeremy
This first broke on Diva-dirt.com and now has the principal players backing off but boy this sure seems like a done deal. The Bellas are leaving WWE, there it has been said and no further conjecture needed? Wait, well maybe not but then it is The Bellas. Can WWE afford to lose these 6’s?
So the story goes that they are letting their contracts run out at the end of April. WWE has made no effort to resign them nor should they. They are a dime a dozen as far as brunettes go. Also, with WWE’s no nudity policy in place why bother having the women on the roster to begin with? Outside of the incredible representation they were afforded at WrestleMania 28 name a significant WWE Diva moment and Khrama in The Royal Rumble doesn’t count.
The best part of this story is the back and forth on the accountability. They booked a manager for their upcoming appearances and he was doing his job by getting the word out. Then they don’t; like that and he offers a retraction of sorts citing he did not have “all the correct information.” This is clearly code for “you dumb mother fucker how dare you do your job and ruin the last month of our employment with WWE? Have you no sense of history? We are going to most likely get publicly embarrassed on national television for three weeks now. “ -Jeremy
It’s been a crazy weekend. We’ve had lots of good food. We’ve had lots of good beer. Just not enough to be hung over which is a good thing. I’m still running around trying to make my world famous meatballs and tomato sauce. I’m finally ready as Justin Roberts announces, hold on, let’s roll.
Sheamus is the first man out. Glad Jeremy & I called this match. Of course, I think we both picked different guys to win. Mitchell Cool still doing the turn around on Daniel Bryan. We get our first bell 10 minutes into the match. Fucking really? I picked Sheamus but this is ridiculous. That’s not going to be much of a coronation of Sheamus into the main event. Team Johnny skit with the Miz acting like the leader. The rest of them ignore him. Johnny Wooden GM is looking pretty sharp. Why not go with the horn rimmed glasses and look more like Colonel Sanders?
I imagine I’ll get to type more this match. It’s Kane versus Randy Orton. Why did they show that replay? It looked like Kane barely kicked him. Orton gets some offense. I’m starting to realize I need to do more play by play than normal. No real angles will develop for me to riff on. The crowd chants “DDT”. First signs of life since the way too short match. The Best Honeymoon sign is a riot. I hope it’s true. Choke slam and for some reason Kane acts like a bitch after Orton kicks out. Second rope choke slam gets Kane the victory. I’m a big surprised. Pretty sure I picked Orton.
Mick Foley, Santino and Captain Keith. I haven’t watched Deadliest Catch in three or four years. We get a Ron Simmons appearance. Somewhat funny. We get review of Cody Rhodes and the Big Show. At least Rhodes picked a new outfit for Wrestlemania. Rhodes is wearing real knee pads. The Big Show is on offense to start the match. Rhodes doing a good job of going low on Show. Rhodes drops off the top rope to snap Show’s arm. Big show gets in a weak spear to avert a second Disaster kick. WMD for the IC Title change. Whoopee.
Beth Phoenix looks ridiculous with that head dress. Awful choice. Eve looks good. I missed Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos coming in. I don’t care. KK is taking it to Eve but for some reason tags in Maria. Beth finally gets her hands on Maria but only bear hugs her. Isn’t she more pissed at her than to doa bear hug? I know she’s working over the broken ribs but it looks weak. Maria kicks Eve out of the ring after she gloats. Beth backs off of KK’s hot tag. Stupid. That was a gutsy but stupid senton like move by KK. Kelly counters into a bulldog. At least it wasn’t a roll up for the win. Maria gets a the horse shit roll up for a win.
Cool stadium shot when they went outside of it for Taker‘s entrance. His get up looks normal. Glad I got in here for possibly the bald reveal. Is that supposed to be intimidating? A baby mohawk? Stay shaved at least. I missed HHH‘s entrance. Who cares. Ah fuck me. I lost the review of the start of the match. Anyway, Jeremy & I are enjoying this one so far. Taker had the early advantage. HHH is getting in the offense now. Shawn Michaels is getting more involved verbally with Taker. The sledge hammer shot doesn’t do in Taker. Shawn takes the sledge hammer away from HHH before he can squash his head like a grape. Taker locks Hell’s Gate on Michaels. HHH nails Taker with the sledge hammer. Taker low blows HHH. Taker locks in Hell’s Gate on HHH. Michaels is out. HHH slumps over. Charles Robinson comes down to unlock the cage. Chokeslam by Taker, HHH kick out of course. Robinson gets choke slammed. Super kick by Michaels. Pedigree. Kick out. Awesome. HHH pitches Shawn out of the ring. Taker is all over the offense. Tombstone. Shawn makes it back into the ring. Kick out. I like Michaels cowering in the corner. Second pedigree. Wow, that was close. Another kick out. The WWE gets going to shots of people not doing anything. HHH grabs the sledge hammer. Taker nabs a chair. They follow up with a good shot of Taker stepping on the sledge hammer. Shawn is starting to show concern for HHH as Taker assaults him with a chair. Worst cover ever. No one thought it’d end after a conversation. HHH makes us laugh with his pug impersonation. Crotch chop. Sledge hammer shot by Taker. Michaels has his back to proceedings. Tombstone. Three count. Awesome match. I tossed my tomato sauce onto my meatballs during post match happenings. I came back in here just in time to see the group hug on the stage.
No big surprise that we got a nice recap of John Cena running down the Rock. We get a recap of CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan. Scott Armstrong still looks like the dumbest referee ever. Chris Jericho comes out after Punk hit the ring. Jericho claims that he never needed to say he was the best in the world. Jericho feeding right into Punk’s wheel house because he honed his craft before getting to the WWE. Glad Punk interrupted. Jericho was droning. Punk is destroying him. Jericho with a nice punch back by saying Punk has never faced anyone like him. The only guy I’d put in that category is John Cena. Dozens of Wrestlemania matches? I don’t think he’s been around for twelve. Might have to look that up later. Punk doing a good job here calling Jericho jealous. Punk stealing Cena’s line about wrestling loyalty.Jericho only came back to embarrass Punk. Too bad jobber to the stars is taking the L at Wrestlemania. Punk stumbling has been his only problem. Jericho stepped up but still was weaker. Daniel Bryan came down with AJ, Johnny Wooden GM & David Otunga. Bryan attacks Punk who was jawing from Johnny. Evidently Teddy wasn’t big enough to get an entrance.
Punk is on offense after the break. The bickering GMs get more TV time than the wrestlers. Jerry Lawler as usual can’t counter Mitchell Cool. I need beer. Bryan takes over after AJ blocks a suicide dive attempt. Another commercial. Ugh. Why is Punk hurt after the top rope elbow? Otunga & Santino cancel each other out. Somehow super Johnny Wooden GM disqualifies Punk for Sheamus throwing Bryan back into the ring. The crowd is going bananas for Teddy. Jericho ambushes Punk as the GMs bicker in the ring. Jericho slams him and slaps on the Walls of Jericho. That segment turned into a clusterfuck.
Really? More replay. I suppose this is what happens when participants in a Wrestlemania match wrestle about as often as the Rock. And commercial again. Those last three words were the only ones I typed before hitting the update button. That’s sad. I should be typing.
Kelly Kelly and Nikki Bella get a cold opening. KK thwarts Twin Magic. Another victory for the Diva’s Division. At least Trish Stratus is doing something in a chat room. Do they normally take this many commercials? Did the opening go that much too long?
John Cena hits the ring for what I hope isn’t a squash match. The Miz has a promo first. Fears are being alleviated. The Miz is Wrestlemania. I don’t mind over selling yourself but that’s a big one. By the way, is anyone surprised they’re saving his appearance for the main event? I didn’t think so. The Miz taking control of the match. Fears are being further dismissed. Of course they ignite as a Five Knuckle Shuffle and an Attitude Adjust seconds later. Oh, it really gets rubbed in with an STF. Ouch. Isn’t that what he did to Miz the first time he tried to climb the ladder. The Rock is warming up in the back. So Rock gets to do some cheesy camera tricks. That was stupid for a variety of reasons.
We start with review of “Embracing The Hate” then Kane tells us he wants Cena to embrace it before the end of the night. Kabe also wants to take someone out of the arena in an ambulance. Wow, a debate to start the show? What an awful way to retread the same fifteen minute opening segment. Oh goody, we get Johnny Wooden GM to really set this show on fire. CM Punk gets to answer first. Dolph Ziggler says something but I can’t looking at his hideous vest. R Truth keeps up the comedy act. The Miz gets the next answer. He goes roast on his competitor. For some reason he gets the buzzer. Everyone else went long. He was right about Kofi being an afterthought. Kofi gets to retort. Still not sure why he doesn’t get more mic time. Chris Jericho gets to close the debate. I agree with my fellow alumni, this is fifteen minutes of my life I’m not getting back. Jericho’s jackets is somehow worse than Dolph’s vest. Trouble In Paradise. Nice exclamation mark for a soon to be jobbing Kofi.
Kofi against Jericho starts after the break. I’m glad Mitchell Cool informed us that the Walls of Jericho is a submission move. Kofi nails more Trouble but so blatantly left Jericho’s leg unhooked. If he hadn’t tucked Jericho’s arm, it wouldn’t have been as noticeable. Shawn Michaels hugs HHH back stage. I’ve got no goosebumps.
More Kane review. This time with Zack Ryder. John Cena is talking to a mystery man who happens to be Ryder. He’s got his back yet he’s going to leave him alone? Huh? Johnny and David Otunga get more TV time. Dave reminds us that Johnny isn’t the full time GM yet. Please, you can’t torture us with Johnny on both shows. Are you really that cruel to your fans? Why did it just dawn on me that Daniel Bryan is doing to Big Show what Kane is doing to Cena? Bryan is being much more successful. Mitchell Cool compliments Bryan by saying Big Show is more frustrated but then immediately runs him down when his music hits. I mean, really? The dumb level of this segment was a strong 100.
Then Cool calls Bryan a tremendous champion after the break. GAH! Big Show is taking on Randy Orton. Lawler calls shenanigans but Cool tells him to shut up so he does. What a puss. Another commercial break. That seemed awful quick. I still love Orton’s drop kick. Nice of Big Show to play along with that DDT. With the WWE’s even steven booking, Bryan losses on Sunday. Cool went back to hating on him after he left. It’s such a confusing message. It would be really tough to get me to agree that this angle is a good idea in any way.
Shawn Michaels gets the hour skit. Michaels babbles but it comes down so that HHH can give us the news we want, a HHH vs Undertaker rematch. Hey Shawn, we don’t want that. Shawn moves on to calling him a sell out. Business picks up when Shawn calls him a coward. Maybe we needed the meandering for that to pay off for the shift in tone. HHH is the end of a breed but then throws some jabs at the young guys. Not really good for business hoss. Look me in the eye honey! Tell me you didn’t cheat on me! HHH still says no to the match. Good build up thru non build up. The first 10 minutes was garbage. The last 5 was great. Was that the same video from last week?
I came up with that title at three o’clock this afternoon. See, cause it’s after the show aired? Eh? Ah, forget it.
Kevin is incapacitated this week, so I’m back here doing what I used to do every week – review Monday Night Raw for no pay whatsoever. Last week’s show lit the internet on fire in a blaze of controversy, so it will be interesting to see how this show fares in its aftermath.
We start with the new Raw belt on display, shades of the WrestleMania 4 tournament. All we needed was Robin Leach to read a pretentious proclamation before the match began. I really hate the way Justin Roberts strains some words out like he’s taking a gigantic dump. I’m sure someone in management told him to do it. Cole and Lawler introduce the show and say it’s right to the action as we’re going to start things off with Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz for the Raw Title. They show the entire lockerroom watching backstage. I’m loving this; it’s being treated like a big deal, and they’re guaranteeing a champion by putting the match on first and letting it go as long as it needs to. Cole puts over the tournament and the guys’ backgrounds like he’s good ol’ JR or something. (That’s post-show-watching foreshadowing, folks.) “If Rey Mysterio walked on water, you’d say, ‘Oh look, Mysterio can’t swim!’” – Jerry Lawler to Michael Cole.
We come back from break with Lawler taking a shot at the Obama-Boehner political debate that was going on tonight. They trade nearfalls and Miz becomes frustrated, which culminates in an almost Christian-like temper tantrum after a close two count. Miz blocks a 619 and hits a sitout powerbomb for a two count. “Miz looks like a Greek statue with that flower on his dick.” – Becky, in regards to Miz’s terrible trunks. Mysterio finally hits the 619 and top rope splash to win the match and the title. This was a great TV show match.
Miz attacks during the post-match celebration and lays out Mysterio. Alberto Del Rio’s music hits and he comes out with the briefcase, indicating he’s going to claim his title match right now while Mysterio is down and out. However, he takes too long to get to the ring, and Mysterio catches him with a dive to the outside. Del Rio retreats while vowing Mysterio hasn’t seen the last of him.
They come back from break showing Mysterio receiving a standing ovation from the boys in the back, who then shower him with champagne. Cena gets up in his face, but then shakes his hand and pats him on the back. Josh Mathews interviews Mysterio, who talks about his family and how much this win means to him. They then show clips of last week’s show ending angle with Triple H and Vince McMahon and advertise that Hunter will be doing a State of the WWE Address later on in the show.
We come back from break with clips of Dolph Ziggler beating Kofi Kingston at the Capital Punishment PPV to win the United States Title. This sets up Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero in his corner) taking on Evan Bourne. I love Zigglers’ “I Am Perfection” shirt. The font is very reminiscent of what they used for the WrestleMania 2 graphics. I’m all full of old WrestleMania references in this review, as you will see. Vickie is a heat machine at ringside. Evan’s selling is top notch. He is absolutely this generation’s Ricky Morton, and I hope WWE understands what a gift they have with him. Bourne hits a frankensteiner off the top for a two count. He misses a 450 splash and Ziggler takes control, locking in a sleeper hold for the victory. “Follow that!” Ziggler challenges. Great charisma. They then show a clip of Kofi beating Del Rio last week to set up this week’s rematch.
Every USA Network show is exactly the same. Have you noticed this? I can’t wait to see Vincent D’Onofrio star in this week’s Burn Notice. Or… wait… uh…
We’re back with a wacky backstage segment featuring some schmuck carrying around a pack of Keystone Light like he’s Buck Zumhofe with the stereo. Oh, it’s Keith Stone. Whatever. In any event, Eve complains to him that the Bella Twins always take advantage of the fact that they are identical to do sneaky switches behind the ref’s back and basically cheat for a living. Stone solves this problem by using magic markers to draw an arm sleeve tattoo on Nikki in a quick cutaway scene. There was no follow up to this whatsoever, so I have no idea what the point of it was, other than to try to get Dusty Giebink to commit suicide.
Maryse and Melina are already in the ring, so you just know this match is going to end up going well for them. They’re taking on Kelly Kelly and Eve tonight. Maryse carries herself like she’s hotness. Lawler again takes a shot at the political speech. They should be careful that these knocks aren’t advertising the thing, you know? Eve is basically dressed like a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader tonight. She also has huge knockers, so there’s that. Maryse actually hits a stinkface at some point in the match. Melina tags in and stinks up one side and down the other. Man, is she terrible. The match devolves into a four way brawl. Kelly hits the fameasser for the win. Everything not involving Melina was decent for women’s fare. They show R-Truth talking *at* (not to) Triple H backstage to hype up the State of the WWE Address.
During the break, Becky points out the genius of Hunter marrying Stephanie. Apparently she doesn’t believe in True Love.
Hunter comes out for his State of the Union address as Cole points out last week it was announced he’s taking over for Vince as the head of day to day operations of the company. Beck points out it’s like when Michael took over for Don Corleone in the Godfather. Hunter is even dressed like a mob boss here. Hunter gives dap to Vince to start things off. He says he’s here to talk about the future of the company, and congratulates Mysterio on his title win. He says Rey has agreed to defend the belt in a second title match here tonight against John Cena, since Cena was cheated out of the rematch he deserved by Vince.
Hunter then switches gears and says he’s re-hired someone the fans have been clamoring for for some time now. Everybody thinks it’s CM Punk, but it ends up being Jim Ross, I’m sure much to Eric Nelson’s glee. Lawler embraces Ross as Cole looks like Hunter just ran over his new kitty 37 times with a Hummer. Cole throws down his headset and grabs a microphone. He says Hunter said this was supposed to be about the future, but Jim Ross is the walking dead. He says he’s been a company man since WrestleMania, doing everything they asked him to do, but he will not commentate along with Ross. Hunter looks nonplussed in the ring during this rant. Cole gets in Ross’ face, saying he’s spent his entire WWE career kissing Vince McMahon’s ass, so it makes sense that now that Hunter is in charge, Ross would kiss his ass. “The only thing bigger than your ego is your gut!” Hunter politely asks if Cole is finished, and then says his first inclination was to outright fire Cole and replace him with Ross. He said that was a logistical impossibility, however, due to the terms in Cole’s contract. Therefore, he is giving Cole the rest of the show off, and he has until Friday Night Smackdown to make up his mind on what his future holds. If he no shows the Smackdown taping, it will be considered a breach of contract and Cole will be future endeavored. If he shows up, everything will be as normal, just with Ross calling Raw from now on. Cole changes his tune immediately, saying he wants to keep his job and sits back down at the announce booth. Hunter says Cole must have misunderstood him, because he said he’s given Cole the night off from announcing. However, he better get to the back and get changed, because he’s got a match coming up next. He says if Cole refuses to do the match, it will again be considered a breach of contract and he will be fired. He said he left Cole some wrestling gear in the back, so he has no excuses.
As Cole is storming out of the scene angrily, R-Truth appears to confront Hunter. He says it’s out with the old and in with the new and he digs that. He starts talking to himself. This is a great gimmick. He tells Hunter that Little Jimmy cost him his match at Capital Punishment, and spiders and heights cost him his match at the Money in the Bank PPV. He asks Hunter what he’s going to do to end the vast conspiracy that exists against him. Hunter starts talking to himself as a way of mocking Truth. This is the type of stuff Hunter is still funny at. “Man, you crazy!” “I know, it’s like I’m insane!” “You might be a game, but I ain’t playing!” As Truth is walking off, Hunter stops him and announces that he has re-signed another guy, and this guy wants a piece of Truth. Cue John Morrison. Morrison and Truth brawl all over ringside and Morrison hits the Starship Pain to end the segment. Good stuff, because it wasn’t just 20 minutes of Hunter talking about himself. They accomplished a bunch of stuff in this segment and none of it was “get over Hunter,” really.
Back from break with Cole coming out dressed like Triple H and spitting the water for cheap comedy. I guess they can’t get that completely out of their systems yet. “I forgot about those ugly tattoos,” Jim Ross truths. Zack Ryder is announced as his opponent. Fans are actually chanting Ryder’s name. The match is over so quick I still had my head down writing the above couple sentences. I hope this is the start of some type of TV push for Ryder.
They show clips from last week’s Kofi vs. ADR match to set up this week’s rematch. Ricardo Rodriguez is out there to introduce Del Rio. All is right with the world. Kofi hits a sloppy non-fruit rollup (oh yeah). Del Rio retreats as they cut to a quick break.
Back from break and Del Rio has taken control of the match. Kofi hits a high crossbody for a two count. He then hits the boom drop or whatever the piss they’re calling it. He takes too long to hit a kick of some description and Del Rio hits the old Cactus Jack double arm DDT. Kofi counters a roll through with one of his own (shades of Bret vs. Owen from WrestleMania 10 – see, I told you!), but Del Rio grabs the ropes. Del Rio finally locks on the cross armbreaker for the submission victory. Not a bad match.
Back from break, they advertise Rey vs. Cena for the belt, but first Josh Mathews interviews the Miz backstage. Miz says he can’t believe Cena has a title match after almost being fired last week. He said Vince had the right idea, but Hunter came in and ruined things. He says Cena caused this whole mess to begin with by losing the title to He Who Shall Not Be Mentioned. He says it’s a shame that the face of the company now is a man who does not even show his face, but rather hides it behind a mask. He gets in a cheap plug for his appearance on the George Lopez Show, coming up Wednesday. So did I, just there. He says Hunter’s reign thus far has been a huge mistake.
All my neighbors mowed their lawns today. I mean, I’m unemployed, so days of the week mean absolutely nothing to me, but I still mow my lawn on the weekend, just because it seems like a very weekendy thing to do. You know, you just have more time on the weekend to do things like that. I wonder why everyone in this neighborhood chose Monday afternoon as designated lawn mowing time. Seems bizarre to me.
We come back from break and learn that ugly chicks dig Cena. He really is the new Shawn Michaels. Cena and Mysterio fist bump before the match as Ross points out they are not allowed to refer to CM Punk by name on the air. (He did it without saying his name, of course. Although, it would have been funny if he was like, “I’m not allowed to say CM Punk. Oh shit!”) Back and forth action to start. Lawler points out that Cena might have the advantage here since Mysterio has had to wrestle once already tonight. Nice touch. Mysterio gets a DDT in for a two count. Cena locks in an STF but Rey gets to the ropes. Cena counters a 619 with a powerslam for two. Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle and goes for the F-U but Rey counters it.
Bunch of counters time! Rey locks in the STF. Cena powers out of it with one leg, which looks awesome. Rey hits the 619 but takes too long to attempt the top rope splash and Cena gets his knees up. Rey tries for the frankensteiner but Cena counters it with a powerbomb. Cena gets a near fall with a top rope fameasser that I think fooled the crowd. Rey counters the F-U, Cena counters the 619, and hits the F-U to win the title. Rey looked good in losing there. Cena and Rey embrace and then Cena celebrates with the title. Wait a minute, though. What’s that music?
Cue CM Punk coming to the ring! Punk gets into the ring for a face-off with Cena. The crowd gave Punk a huge reaction when he came out. Sort of like, “YAY! I’m so glad he’s back… wait a minute, I’m supposed to hate him! BOO!” Cena holds up his belt to a big reaction. Punk holds up his belt to an even bigger reaction. This is where the show ends. We’re left to ponder whether Punk is the third guy Hunter re-signed since taking control of the company, or if he just showed up on his own accord. And if he is back in the fold, will this set up a title-for-title match with Cena? If so, when? SummerSlam? This is exactly what a good wrestling television show should do. Another strong thumbs up from me here.
I have the feeling we're not going to get all of the power.
It’s time for the weekly party that is Raw. I’m lucky enough to get back to back three hour reviews. Hey, it’ll probably only last as long as Impact Wrestling and Smackdown lasted combined. I’m starting around 9:23 PM so I’ll be live at some point. Let’s roll.
Punk opens the show. Got to love it. Ah crap, Booker is on this show too? It’s too much to ask to have separate teams I suppose. Punk said he’s number 1 contender because of his wins over Mysterio and Cena in the week. He kindly asks for a shot at the title in his home town for TLC (I’m a dope. MIB). Punk’s facial sell the GM’s decision not to make him No. 1 contender. Punk has to earn the spot against Alberto Del Rio. Rey gets to join the party. Oh goody, someone got to choose who Brie would defend her belt against.
They gave us a whole commercial break to vote. Kelly Kelly wins the vote by a land slide. I couldn’t believe Jason Powell didn’t know who Keith Stone was. He must have missed this past football, hockey and basketball seasons. These two aren’t going to bring back women’s wrestling. KK’s boobs are different colors and it’s distracting me. I mean her bikini top. She wins the Divas Title. King gets in the ring and interviews her. It stunk. Evan Bourne video package. My boy Dolph had one last week. Wonder if it’ll be a new trend to signal who they’re pushing. Two examples don’t prove a pattern. You have to wait for #3 before that emerges. We get to chose his opponent. Swagger, Ryan or Sin Cara. I hope Bourne can teach him how not to be sloppy and a high flyer.
The WWE selects Ryan for us. Lots of dancing by Bourne early. Has Mason Ryan stolen Batista’s trunks now? Bourne is at least showing Sin Cara how to sell. He’s a great flopper. Cole tells Lawler to defend the Universe’s choice. It’s easy, see my first statement. World’s slowest small package. Urinogi by Ryan. Cole is rubbing it in to the WWE Universe. Is the berating of the WWEU stupider than the Capitol Punishment skits? It’s close. Kane vs. Henry in a gimmick match.
