Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 25 March ’19

The Stata Building on the campus of MIT. Designed by Frank Gehry. Photo credit to

Wow, it’s about time that they officially called Becky Lynch vs Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte as the main event of Wrestlemania. Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar has had so much less TV time. Rousey is the first one out though. She tells us that we should appreciate her for getting the women in the main event of WM. She drops mic. Comes back and says she’s going to tap out Becky & Charlotte. She drops the mic again. Rousey picks it back up and says she’s done with this Beat The Clock challenge gimmick. Becky Lynch hits the stage. She tells her story of why she made their match at WM the main event. Charlotte then comes out. They’re in the main event because of what she’s done the last seven years.

Sarah Logan has to face Rousey. She runs around the ring and gets a drop on Rousey with a short distraction by Ruby Riott & Liv Morgan. Logan keeps giving her the work. Rousey powers out. Superman Type Punch. Arm Bar tap out for the win at 1:25. Charlotte faces Ruby Riott. Riott gets the first pin but lolly gags after that. Charlotte gets in the Figure 8 but it’s too close to the clock. Riott survives the clock. Becky Lynch comes in the ring and gets Big Booted by Charlotte. Liv Morgan is last up. Lynch goes for the Disarm Her but Morgan gets out. Jack Knife Cover follows for the win. Becky beats the clock.

Lio Rush gets to talk trash Finn Balor again. Of course he ribs about Rob Gronkowski. Because Rush is still injured, Balor is taking on both Bobby Lashley and Jinder Mahal. The team works early. Balor finds a way to come back. The Singh Brothers even try to interfere and that back fires. Flip dive onto them and Lashley. Coup De Grace for the win. Bobby Lashley ends up attacking Sumir & Sunil. He then Spears Mahal. Lashley has continued to be made to look good.

Elias is in Times Square. Some other guy in Times Square and comes and plays & sings well. It was a segment.

The Revival are taking on Ricochet & Aleister Black. They brawl to start the match. The match is like something out of Impact Wrestling. Action everywhere and rules not being followed. Dawson is wearing down Ricochet after the break. Ricochet boots Dawson who went for a back body drop. Neck breaker on Wilder creats the opening to tag. Black takes over on Dawson. The Revival take over on Black but they make a crucial mistake by throwing Black into his corner. Ricochet tags in. Double Blackmas. 630 on Dawson for the win. Dawson has the ring announcer say that they’re still Champions. Hahaha. What a dick. the Revival has been better as a losing team than any time on Raw.

We don’t need to like Drew McIntyre but we must respect him. He thinks he’s been waiting too long for Roman Reigns to respond to him. McIntyre knows that Reigns wants to fight but warns him again not to. Of course this is a story line. Adam Pearce breathes a sigh of relief since McIntyre only stared at the Wrestlemania sign instead of pointing. Roman Reigns finally comes down. Roman accepts your challenge. Reigns says never talk about his family. Reigns pops him in the mouth. Reigns then throws him into the post. Followed by the barricade. McIntyre with the low blow. Claymore follows.

Dean Ambrose is waiting for Drew McIntyre back stage. Ambrose says he wasn’t exterminated yet. Ambrose wants a Last Man Standing Match. Even Renee Young doesn’t know why Dean keeps asking to get his ass kicked.

Corey Graves makes his bad analogy of the week comparing Sasha Banks to Whitey Bulger. Graves mentions that Banks wasn’t good at title defenses. Neither Michael Cole nor Renee Young point out that Banks already has one tag team title defense under her belt. I’m in announcer hell. PS, Natalya is her opponent. Natalya runs over Banks but Sasha picks her ankle. Bank Statement. Natalya eventually powers out and locks in a Sharp Shooter. Banks rolls through eventually. Tamina & Nia Jax interfere to cause the DQ. They jumped Bayley first though. Beth Phoenix ends up taking out both of them. She even Glamslams Tamina. They announce The Hart Foundation as the net inductee into the WWE HOF. Natayla gets to react to the news in the ring.

Charley wonders why Kurt Angle is taking on Samoa Joe. Since he can’t say he loved Joe as an opponent in TNA because the WWE is petty. Angle has to babble nonsense because of the pettiness. Baron Corbin pops in the says he can’t wait to give Angle a loss on his way out the door. Angle calls him a dick and walks out.

Alexa Bliss attributes WM getting better because she is host. She invites Braun Strowman onto her show. She rattles off all of the destruction he has caused over the years. She invites on live via satellite Colin Jost & Michael Che. Jost apologizes for wearing a Mets hat. He then dons a Yankees hat. Michael Che apologizes for both of them. Jost digs them a bigger hole by insulting Strowman’s mental acumen. Jost even asks Braun to get him an autograph from Brock Lesnar. Hahaha. Strowman challenges Jost to join the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Michael Che agrees to put Jost in the Battle Royal. Jost tells Che that he’s in the Battle Royal. Bliss makes the announcement official, They both in that match.

Elias is at Madison Square Garden. Elias doesn’t mention that the Penguins beat the Rangers there tonight. He missed a chance for a cheap shot.

Baron Corbin is taking on Apollo Crews. Apollo gets the offense in early. Corbin tosses him into a post. Corey Graves has to make fun of the social media follows that the WWE will brag about on their shows. End of Days for the win. Adam Pearce breathes another sign of relief. Baron Corbin also only looks at WM sign.

Seth Rollins rattles off a bunch of baby faces who inspired people. He wants to inspire people too. He had a signing and people all told him to beat Brock Lesnar. This story is why the ladies are main eventing WM. Just when he’s ready to Brun Suplex City down, Paul Heyman interrupts. Heyman says how pathetic Rollins says. Heyman talks about “Thoughts & Prayers” which is funny since he generation says that about certain other more tragic events than Heyman lists. Rollins isn’t there to ask for thoughts & prayers, he’s there to answer them. Burn It Down. That part was much better for him.

Kurt Angle comes out and points at a seated Heyman. Samoa Joe gets to cut a promo. Samoa Joe and his mullet talk trash like normal. He wants to put his ass to sleep on last time. Michael Cole says they’ve had a long storied history but this is their first match in WWE. P-E-T-T-Y. Angle gets to do the triple German Suplexes on Joe. Angle Slam but Joe kicks out. Thank goodness. Power Slam by Joe turns the momentum. Angle comes back with a missile drop kick. Joe counters and eventually gets the Kokina Clutch on Angle. Kurt positions Joe so that his shoulders are down. Angle gets the three count. Samoa Joe looks shocked. the power of the mullet failed him tonight.

HHH thanks the crowd for their ovation. HHH tells the ladies that it wasn;t given, their moment was earned. HHH says he’s doing the job for his letter because he can’t get out of his jacket. HHH then makes fun of Batista’s gimmicks before Evolution. HHH says that Batista left because he couldn’t beat John Cena. Hahaha. HHH also informs us that Batista wanted WM moved to better fit his schedule for recording Guardians of the Galaxy. Batista wants HHH career on the line at WM. HHH won’t let Batista quit on them this time. Trips calls him a douche. He then accepts the stipulation because he doesn’t deserve to wrestle if he can’t beat someone who is delusional.

Elias has another terrible NYC segment.

Dean Ambrose misses an early dive from the top rope to the floor. Dre McIntyre takes over from there. McIntyre uses the kendo stick in various ways to torture Ambrose. Glasgow Kiss sends Ambrose down. McIntyre follows by catapulting him into themetal part of the ring apron. McIntyre then gets whacked with the stairs. Renee asks for him to stay down. Ambrose dodges a charging McIntyre who runs into a wedged in chair he himself set. Dirty Deeds leads to a seven count. Ambrose goes back on the attack. Ambrose sets up a table in the corner. McIntyre tosses him through it. Ambrose gets back up. Claymore by McIntyre. Ambrose doesn’t make the count. They’re really putting over the Claymore.

Kevin DiFrango

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