Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 4 March ’19

Shofuso Japanese House & Garden in Philadelphia. Picture from visitphilly.com

The WWE starts us off with Roman Reigns again. He wants the Universal Championship back and there’s one man in his way. Seth Rollins comes out in response. They really love beating that drum about the Title being on Raw on a weekly basis. Seth wants to talk about Reigns aspirations. Reigns just wants to get the band back together one last time. Rollins isn’t sold on the idea. Reigns counters with life is short, let’s do it. Rollins changes his mind. Reigns calls for Dean Ambrose. We get him. Elias breaks a guitar across his back and runs off. Ambrose waves off Rollins and walks to the back.

Drew McIntyre gets to answer about the Shield but wet blanket Baron Corbin is there so that nullifies any progress McIntyre made during the breaking of the Shield. Bobby Lashley is still in the same spot just hanging around.

Finn Balor, Kurt Angle & Braun Strowman are their opponents. Strowman looks to be back at 100% with how he’s moving. Balor gets to take the beating for the faces. Glad they aren’t letting Angle sell much. It’s embarrassing that announcers have to say Baron Corbin took down Kurt Angle even if it was way past his prime. Angle does get a measure of revenge on McIntyre by putting the Ankle Lock on him. Lashley makes the save though. Angle does end up having to sell for fair portion of the match. Srtowman gets the hot tag. Power Slam on Corbin. Tag into Balor for the Coup De Grace. Lio Rush pulls his leg to stop the pin. Rush gets crushed into the barricade by Strowman. Lashley rams Balor into the post, which should be a DQ but was only used that once. Lashley gets tagged in and Spears Balor for the win. The heels take the time to destroy Balor & Angle after the match while Strowman is still laying on the outside with Rush.

Heavy Machinery is not being well received on Raw, except they are being well received in the clip that they show except by The Ascension. Why hurt feelings is going to be Otis‘s thing is a mystery to me. It’s not good.

Ruby Riott is taking on Natalya again since their match was interrupted last week. Natalya rolls up Ruby out of the blue for the win. Lacey Evans does her runway strut again.

Michael Che and Colin Jost join Stephanie McMahon so that we can learn that they will be hosting Wrestlemania.

Batista leaves us an Instagram post. He doesn’t like Philly so he won’t be there. He may not like Pittsburgh next week. Dear gawd do I love heel Batista. HHH gives us a sob story about Richard Fliehr so I can barely pay attention. Now I’m interested when he calls Batista a quitter. Batista now has his full attention, as a man, not his character.

Stephanie McMahon tells us that the WWE is dropping all charges against Becky Lynch. She also tells us that Becky & Charlotte will be taking each other on for the vacant Raw Women’s Championship at Fastlane.

Roman Reigns talks to Dean Ambrose back stage. Ambrose tells him that he need to get ready for his match and walks away.

Heavy Machinery is taking on Curtis Axel & Bo Dallas first in a gauntlet match, I suppose. Both Renee Young & Corey Graves are really selling Tucker short in the wrestling department. Trash Compactor for the win. The Ascension is the second team up. Tucker sells for the second straight opponent. Vader Bomb on Victor for the win. Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder are the last opponents. Caterpillar on Hawkins for the final win. There hasn’t been a less interesting gauntlet match in the history of the WWE.

Michael Che & Colin Jost run into EC3 shining kegs. Titus O’Neil gets a picture with Che. No Way Jose leads his conga line through the shot too. I’m giving Shahid some terrible content to cover.

Charlotte makes fun of Becky’s ego again. She talks about Becky definitely signing the clause that Stephanie puts in front of her. We get to bask in Charlotte’s glory at Fastlane. She’s steal Keith Lee’s material.

Seth Rollins tries to talk to Dean Ambrose about a Shield reunion. Ambrose shoots down the idea. Elias mocks the lack of Stanley Cups in Philly, Gritty and Bryce Harper. Well done sir. Elias does “Old School” to make us feel like Taker will be at Wrestlemania this year instead of Double or Nothing. Ambrose connects with a Suicide Dive. Elias shoves off Ambrose into the turn buckles. Ambrose comes back with a neck breaker. Ambrose goes to the top rope but his back gives out. Elias catches his with a knee coming from the top rope. Drift Away for the win. Reigns & Rollins come out after the match but we get another commercial.

Dean Ambrose walks away from them when they get in the ring. McIntyre, Corbin & Lashley come down to mock The Shield. They try to fight 3 on 2. Dean Ambrose finally joins them to fight off the lame triumvirate. Reigns puts out his fist first. Rollins joins. Ambrose finally joins in.

Tamina is taking on Sasha Banks. Naturally, Nia Jax and Bayley are at ring side. It’s quite weird that they just acknowledged Dean Ambrose not renewing his contract on TV. Bank Statement early but Jax pulls Tamina out of the ring. Bayley tries to deal with Jax but gets bounced. Meteora on Jax by Banks. Tamina super kicks Banks for the win.

Colin Jost says he’s not afraid of any of these guys so of course Braun Strowman confronts him too. Jost wonders if any of this stuff is real. Glad these 90s questions could be asked on TV.

Aleister Black & Ricochet are ready to prove they belong tonight by defeating The Revival. Before much happens, Bobby Roode & Chad Gable come to ring side. Black is doing some early selling. Ricochet comes in and takes out both Scott Dawson & Dash Wilder. Ricochet is just nonstop action. Roode & Gable attack Dawson on the outside causing a DQ. They jaw with Ricochet & Black. The later team gets the upper hand. They do their flips into the Superman Pose & Seated Position.

So Ronda Rousey begs for the suspension to be lifted but the WWE doesn’t do it until the week after? Michael Cole tries to cover their tracks to this weird, winding story. Becky Lynch wants to go at it now with Charlotte but Stephanie won’t allow it until the “Hold Harmless Clause” is signed. Rousey doesn’t like the solution that Stephanie came up with for Fastlane. If Becky Lynch wins at Fastlane, it will be a three way match at Wrestlemania. Fastlane just fucking up simple story telling. Rousey ends beating the hell out of Becky then locks in an Arm Bar. Charlotte kindly stays out of the fray. Why is Stephanie getting interviewed back stage? What the fuck is going on this show? Stephanie is selling that she feels bad for Becky Lynch because Ronda snapped and showed she’s the animal that Stephanie thought she was. What bizarro world am I living in?

Kevin DiFrango

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