Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 1 April ’19

The Newseum in Washington DC. Saved from Designed James Stewart Polshek.

The WWE starts us off with Stephanie McMahon. She informs us that all titles will be on the line at Wrestlemania between Ronda Rousey, Charlotte & Becky Lynch. So are all of the womens titles going to be condensed but none of the mens?

Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman get to come out after being insulted about not being the main event of Wrestlemania 35. Brock Lesnar is going to take all at Wrestlemania, just like he did last year against Roman Reigns. Just as Seth Rollins is called an after thought, he hits the ring. Rollins tells him that no one wants him there. Winning at WM isn’t impossible, just improbable. Rollins is ready to Slay the Beast. Lesnar goes to walk out of the ring and Rollins low blows him. Rollins goes on offense but then Lesnar gets the upper hand. Second low by Rollins follows. As does a Stomp. Kind of weak for a baby face.

Bayley, Sasha Banks, Natalya & Beth Phoenix are taking on Nia Jax, Tamina, Peyton Royce & Billie Kay. Banks & Bayley keep the opponents to themselves which wrankles Nattie & Betty. The IIconics take over on Bayley eventually. Jax & Tamina jump off the apron when Royce tries to tag one of them in. Phoenix pie faces Banks to get the hot tag. She cleans house. Tamina low bridges her. Phoenix ends up Spearing Tamina through the barricade. Royce tries to take advantage but plays with Betty for too long. Glam Slam for the win.

Batista is live in DC. He gets “Welcome back!” chants. We get a video package of him beating HHH in various forms. Back from video package, Batista pauses and just says “Kiss my ass” and walks off. The crowd just cheers because that was fucking hilarious.

Elias did another promo. I checked out.

We get a glimpse of what the Andre The Memorial Battle Royal will look like. It’s a who’s who of who doesn’t get TV time. Apollo Crews beats Jinder Mahal in the meaningless match. Everyone at ring side has a mini battle royal after the match. Apollo Crews wins that too.

Kurt Angle comes out for his last Raw in ring appearance. They have a great video package for him that of course doesn’t mention TNA. Baron Corbin comes out to point out all of Angle’s in ring deficiencies since we don’t have eyes? He then mentions how the fans don’t perceive him as worthy to fight Angle. Angle challenges him to a fight. Corbin walks to the ring but tells Angle it isn’t “Intelligent” of Angle to make this challenge. Corbin starts to walk away when Rey Mysterio‘s music hits. He challenges Corbin to a match for Angle. Corbin cheap shots Rey but doesn’t accept the challenge. Angle & Rey double team him ending in an Angle Slam.

Charlotte is asked about the new stipulation by Charley Caruso. She said that Stephanie needed to make that change because she won the Smackdown Women’s Championship. She’s fine with the stipulation. Charlotte is ready to break Becky’s leg and tap out Ronda.

Ricochet & Aleister Black are challenging for the Raw Tag Team Titles tonight. More unification between brands on the WWE front? The Revival are defending their belts. Renee Young mentioning that it would be “crazy” for Ricochet & Black’s careers if they are double tag team champs. Funny what winning does for your team. Ricochet takes a short beating but otherwise, him & Black have been on top of the match early. Dragon Srew Arm Drag by Scott Dawson while Dash Wilder holds his leg finally turns the momentum. Black mostly sells during the commercial break. Ricochet gets back in and cleans house. Ricochet goes for a number of roll up style pins but can’t get three. Wilder kicks him off of one such pin and Dawson clocks him from the outside. Gory Special only gets two for Wilder. Wilder goes to tag in Dawson when Black pulls him off the apron. They brawl on the outside. Wilder finishes Black off with a Tornado DDT off the barricade. Ricochet recovers and flip dives over the ring post to take out The Revival. Wilder makes it back into the ring. Dawson holds onto Ricochet’s leg so that the Revival wins by count out. A pair of Blackmases follow. Ricochet caps it with a 630.

Ronda Rousey goes short and sweet with her promo. She’s ready to whoop ass tonight and at WM.

Alexa Bliss pats herself on the back while talking to Tyler Breeze & EC3. Braun Strowman pops in after they talked about Michael Che & Colin Jost. He ends up challenging two back stage randoms to a match.

Becky Lynch delivers in the promo department tonight. Charlotte is fooling herself. Becky triggered Ronda’s god complex because that’s when she’s most vulnerable. They are taking on The Riott Squad comprised of Ruby Riott, Sarah Logan and Liv Morgan. Charlotte has the biggest ego so she starts the match. Lynch ends up tagging herself in when Charlotte is working over Riott. Corey Graves does his usual Lynch bashing but as usual Renee Young can’t defend her point about Lynch being more than just a tweet phenom. How about she beat Charlotte in their most recent match? And got screwed out of the title? Charlotte tags her self in. She jaws with Lynch. Ronda tags herself in. She jaws with both of them. Ronda then shrugs off an attacking Liv Morgan. Arm Bar for the win. They all start brawling. They destroy security. They even end up making the police look like the Three Stooges. The women end up brawling even while handcuffed. Rousey & Lynch end up being put into the back of the same squad car. Rousey ends up taking out the window so they separate them. The ladies continue to take cheap shots at each other.

Heavy Machinery beats Bobby Roode & Chad Gable. I’m not typing more about that match.

Braun Strowman is wrestling those two guys from back stage. I’m not going to type more about this match too.

Bobby Lashley & Lio Rush have to talk to Charley in the ring. They need a video refresher of last week of course. Rush points out that Lashley wasn’t pinned last week. Lashley isn’t afraid of the Demon. Thank goodness he didn’t flinch after Finn Balor pulled it out during his interruption. I’m glad it’s back but it has no reason to strike fear.

Rey Mysterio & Baron Corbin have their akward match. I’m hoping Samoa Joe shows up to spare us a clean finish. Mysterio is supposed to be a stand in for Angle. I hope Angle’s match doesn’t last this long because Rey is so much better than him now. Rey makes a come back. He connects with a 619 but misses a Frog Splash. Deep Six out of nowhere for the Corbin win. Yuck. Really, Rey? Couldn’t pick anyone else? Kurt Angle comes out and puts the Ankle Lock on Corbin. Please don’t let Angle lose going out of the territory. Pretty please.

Kevin DiFrango

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