Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 22 July ’19

Tampa Art Museum. Designed by Stanley Saitowitz. Saved from whohas other fantastic pictures of the building.

John Cena gets to kick the show off. He gets to act like an Emcee for the Nostalgia Show, err, the Raw Reunion. The Usos come out and want to rap with him. He turns them down. They goad him into it by making fun of him in a rap. Cena fires back about their arrests. They are pleased that they pulled out the Doctor. They invite out Rikishi. He tries to get Cena to “Back That Ass Up.” The Revival interrupts them. Devon joins them since Bubba is in ROH.

Booker T comes out to the announce booth to really Nostalgia this place up. Booker saying no one should want to buy property in Dudleyville because “No one wants to be around Bubba.”

Jimmy gets the hot tag. Scott Dawson takes a cross body for Dash Wilder. The later only gets a two on Jimmy. Spring Board European Uppercut/German Suplex combo from The Revival gets broken up by Jey. Rikishi & Devon jaw at each other. It distracts Dawson. Jimmy super kicks him. Jey tags in. Splash for the win.

Alicia Fox is talking to Dana Brooke and Kaitlyn. She revels in reunions with Torrie Wilson & Santino Marella. Drew McIntyre shakes his head at the Legends. Good for him.

Charley introduces R Truth and Carmella. They throw us to the Comiccon segment with Truth, The Hurricane and Drake Maverick. Rebecca comes in and talks trash to Truth. Maverick rolls him up to win the 24/7 Champion.

Drew McIntyre is out first to get a rematch with Cedric Alexander. McIntyre attacks before Alexander can get into the ring. McIntyre decimates Alexander.

The Viking Raiders are taking on Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder. Ivar gets the first big move of the match with a suicide dive that takes out Hawkins & Ryder. The Viking Experience on Hawkins for the win.

Eve Torres wants to help Mike & Maria Kannelis. She gets to humiliate him in front of Eric Bischoff too. We’ve firmly entered into the “At least they’re getting TV time” zone with the Kannelises. I still think it’s a weird route to go. Ron Simmons caps the segment off with a Megaphoned “Damn.”

AJ Styles, Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows get to gloat. They’re going to make an example out of Seth Rollins tonight if he dare defy them.

Pat Patterson got the 24/7 Champ from Maverick. Gerry Brisco won it from Patterson. Kelly Kelly low blows Brisco to win it too. Yep, the title shenanigans have worn off.

Samoa Joe tells us the Raw Reunion is a plague. Samoa Joe for President. Joe starts talking about Rikishi. It draws the ire of Roman Reigns. Reigns says that Joe is from the same island so he knows what’s next since Joe talked about his family. Joe really takes it to Reigns. More than I expected really. It makes some sense as a feud moving forward because who else are they going to face off against? Reigns gets in one Superman Punch. It causes Joe to duck out, tease the match then leave. Reigns calls him a coward. Joe then grants the match.

Samoa Joe gets to dominate much of the match. The WWE decided to make this match the high light of “The Spear can come out of nowhere” for reasons I can’t explain. The Spear for the win, obviously.

Miz TV has a big guest for tonight, Seth Rollins. Rollins wonders why The Miz called the situation predicament. He should have answered that it’s the nature of the Money In The Bank winner. Paul Heyman pops up and says that he is Rollins dose of truth serum. Heyman comes out to confront him. Rollins calls Lesnar a “Seth Rollins Wannabe” for copying his MITB style. Rollins gets serious. Lesnar is just a man no matter what Heyman has said over any number of years. Rollins says that he will get ready for his rematch by taking on the best of the best like AJ Styles.

Sami Zayn is complaining about “The Legends” to Charley in front of said Legends. Rey Mysterio steps up for the Legends. Kurt Angle gets a pop even though he’s been off TV for 2 months.

Kelly Kelly shows off to Candace Michelle, Melina & Naomi. Melina has a refs shirt on. Michelle whacks her on the back and makes the pin. Alundra Blayze chokes out Michelle. She bizarrely says she won’t hold the 24/7 Title long.

Jonathan Coachman comes out to join the announce booth. It gets awkward quick since Renee Young did in fact take his spot. Coach and Renee bond over Corey Graves being a pain in the ass. All of this occurs during the Sami Zayn and Rey Mysterio match. Zayn tries to beg off from having the match. RVD, Sargent Slaughter, The Hurricane & Kurt Angle. Mysterio attacks when he gets back in the ring. “Five Star” Frog Splash per Cole for the win.

Montez Ford is looking for Angelo Dawkins. He was chilling with RVD. Ford is a little upset. The segment ends with Dawkins taking a call from The Godfather. Ford is gobsmacked. TM Shahid.

Alundra Blayze wants to trash the 24/7 Championship. The Million Dollar Man shows up and offers to pay for the Belt. She accepts the offer.

AJ Styles comes out with Gallows & Anderson. Jerry “The King” Lawler is in the announce booth now. The nostalgia is killing me at this point. If it didn’t start right off the bat. A distraction from Anderson on Rollins causes Styles to get the advantage. Instead of Ricochet helping out Rollins, DX version Shawn Michaels & HHH do. Anderson ends up tripping Rollins to cause a DQ. They end up getting into a six man brawl. The Club rolls out to the floor and grab chairs. Road Dogg announces his presence along with Sean Waltman, Scott Hall & Kevin Nash. Road Dogg tells them to get out of dodge. Seth Rollins gets to be the “Cool Kid” and lead everyone in a “Suck It.” Woof.

Drake Maverick wins the 24/7 Title back. Double woof.

Mick Foley was tasked with showing us his favorite highlight from Raw. The lights go out. The Fiend shows up. He uses the Mandible Claw on him. I think the WWE mole is back. We request a new finisher for Bray and he gets one in a short segment.

We need a Moment of Bliss after what we just witnessed. Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross introduce Becky Lynch. Before Bliss can spit out a question, Natalya comes out. Becky is mad at Nattie for helping Ronda Rousey. they end up in a tussle. Charley talks to Natalya back stage. Nattie gets to be correct that Lynch started this fight.

Why do we have two impotent men on Raw? Drake Maverick loses again to R Truth. Renee takes off in the limo with R Truth. Are Drake Maverick & Mike Kannelis the same person?

Hulk Hogan & Ric Flair co-headline a bunch of Hall of Famers on the stage. No one looks like they really want to be there. Steve Austin gets to come out last. Everyone still loves yelling “What!?!?!” He recorded a podcast with Hogan. That’s all I got out of this speech. Oh, we’re part of the WWE family. Great? Everyone celebrates in the ring. It didn’t seem like they had an out. It was even more awkward than I expected.

Kevin DiFrango

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