Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 9 Dec. ’19

Cathedral of St. John the Baptist in Charleston SC. Saved from scpictureproject.org

We get divorce proceedings to start the show. Fantastic. Jerry Lawler is moderating because he’s the “King of Love.” Sure dude. You’ve never really mentioned that in your whole career. Lana has lots to say. The Wife thinks Lana should never have a microphone. She also thinks Rusev‘s Donald Duck shirt is stupid. This rant is more entertaining than the product. She kept going.And going. And going. Woof. Lana even argues over who signs the divorce papers. She signs first after more screeching. Rusev will sign the papers if he gets a match with Bobby Lashley. He shows up to face off with Rusev. They brawl after Rusev signs the contract. Rusev gets the upper hand, yet again. Lana is dragging down whoever she’s with.

Kevin Owens knows that AOP was ordered to attack him last week by Seth Rollins. He goes out to look for them and runs into Rey Mysterio. Rey offers his services but Owens declines. Rey offers him the lead pipe. KO takes him up on the offer.

Matt Hardy comes out for a match. Drew McIntyre gets to question Hardy’s choices outside of the ring and how they could impact his offspring. Matt attacks before the bell but it does him no good. McIntyre makes short work of him. Claymore for the win. I know the speech gives the match something else but why? It’s not an extended feud. It helps McIntyre look like a dick but I don’t think that will last.

Charlotte is in the locker room and looks at Becky Lynch. Charlotte wants to know if Lynch wants to be Becky Two Belts again.Becky turns down the help. She’s going to take the Kabuki Warriors on 2 on 1 herself. Hey, we need to extend this feud to the PPV.

KO runs into Mojo Rawley. He gives Owens bad directions. KO slaps him. Rawley takes it like the enhancement talent that he is. Owens walks away.

The Viking Raiders come out. They issue an open challenge. The Street Profits answer the challenge. Angelo Dawkins and Montez Ford go at them real quick out of the gate. Ford Frog Splashes him for a near fall. The Viking Raiders turn it around. Viking Experience for the win. They give each otehr forearms after the skirmish.

Seth Rollins comes out and boots the four from the ring. Nothing happens except some glares. Rollins challenges AOP. Lawler uses this line to say Rollins is innocent of AOP attacking KO. Owens comes out and expresses his doubt about Rollins demand. AOP shows up fashionably late. We get a commercial. Rollins & Owens are still in the ring. Owens keeps up with “Seth is leading the AOP” so Rollins backs out of the ring and leaves. AOP pops on the screen and talks some. Sami Zayn and Mojo Rawley hit the ring. Zayn tries to broker the peace with KO & Mojo. Owens isn’t buying this either. Nojo tells him everyone is tough with a lead pipe in their hands. KO tosses it to him and stuns him. KO then beats Mojo with the pipe. Zayn just cringes.

Aleister Black is set to take on Akira Tozawa. At least Tozawa is getting TV time? I’m trying to find positives here. Black makes the match start slow. It throws off Tozawa. When he does get his bearings, Tozawa goes for a Suicide Dive. Black catches him with a jumping knee. Blackmas in the ring for the win.

Charley Caruso introduces Humberto Carrillo when I think she’s ready to interview Ricochet. Zelina Vega comes in yelling at Carrillo. Andrade follows and starts yelling at Carrillo in Spanish. They yell at and shove each other. Vega informs us there will be a match tonight.

That match happens after the break. Andrade gets the early momentum. Carrillo fires and starts hitting the basic flying moves. Carrillo puts Andrade on the top ropes. Andrade flips him so that Carrillo can stupidly hook the ropes while he gets stomped. Carrillo moves for the Meteora attempt. Carrillo gets a two count from a botched Aztec Press. After a slwe of counters from both, Andrade connects with a spinning back elbow. Andrade goes for a moonsault. Carrillo moves. Andrade counters with Meteora. Vega gets up on the apron to distract Carrillo. He moves. Andrade accidentally runs into Vega. Carrillo rolls up Andrade for the win. Andrade & Vega argue in the ring after the match.,

Rey Mysterio is ready for the AJ Styles challenge tonight. The red contacts look freaky with the red and black mask.

Kevin Owens is still wondering around back stage.

Zack Ryder is ready to take on Buddy Murphy. Curt Hawkins is at ring side so he can watch his tag team partner lose. Alesister is still mad that someone knocked on his door…despite begging people to do so. Mercifully, this match is short. Murphy even gets to clock Hawkins on the outside of the ring. Murphy’s Law for the win.

Owens finds their van they came in and starts whacking it with the pipe. KO makes his way around to the back doors. Someone is in there with their back to the doors. AOP attack Owens. We get the slow reveal that it is indeed Rollins directing AOP. He Stomps Owens on the concrete.

Seth Rollins comes out alone. He talks about how nothing was ever good enough for the fans. Rollins did everything they asked of him and more. The fans just spit on him, He beat Brock Lesnar, twice. Hahaha. This is great. Rollins says that he was not involved with the AOP until Owens didn’t believe him again. Owens willed this pairing into reality. AOP comes out and stands with Rollins.

Becky Lynch comes out for her match against the Kabuki Warriors. Asuka & Kairi Sane take their time getting to the ring. Lynch takes it to Asuka early in the match. Sane distracts Lynch to gain the upper hand. Lynch regains control after the beat down. Asuka tags in behind Becky’s back. Becky tosses Kairi out of the ring. Asuka misses a top rope drop kick. Lynch misses a middle rope leg drop. Lynch reverses into an Asuka Lock. Sane pullsAsuka out of the ring before she can tap. Lynch leaps off the apron and into a waiting knee from Asuka. She gets back into the ring. Lynch fights off Sane to beat a count out. Shining Wizard by Asuka gets a two count. Lynch mises a charge into the corner. Asuka lifts up Lynch in an Electric Chair. Sane forearms her off. Lynch kicks out at two. Lynchknees the Insane Elbow. Lynch goes for the Dis-Arm-Her. Asuka pulls Saine out of the ring. Asuka attacks Lynch with a chair for the DQ. They set Lynch up for an Insane Elbow from the top to the outside. We’re getting a tag match at TLC. between these four ladies.

The OC wants all the gold. Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows want the tag team titles. Styles is ready to win the US Championship tonight. Styles warns Randy Orton not to get involved. Hmm, I wonder what’s going to happen tonight.

Charlotte gives Lynch a bit of a hard time about the match up. Asuka & Sane attack Charlotte after she leaves.

Erick Rowan is taking on some enhancement talent again. The talent grabs the cage and runs with it to the ramp. The bell had rung so while Rowan cared for it, the referee started counting. Rowan comes in and runs over the talent. Rowan Claw Choke Slams him three times. The referee calls for the bell.

The Street Profits are doing their take on Weekend Update. Why does the WWE insist on using them soley to hype shows? I mean, I appreciate the spirit of the segment but I think it shouldn’t just fall on one set of talents. It makes them feel like announcers more than wrestlers, especially considering their scarce use in the ring in their short time on the main roster.

Rey Mysterio & AJ Styles start their match. Rey has the upper hand until Gallows & Anderson make their way to the ring. It distracts Rey long enough for Styles to take advantage. Styles tries to get a count out win. Mysterio gets back in at 9. Styles doesn’t do anything to take advantage. Rey Sunset Flip Bomb’s Styles into the barricade. Rey pops Styles with a forearm. Rey connects with a spring board sitting senton. Styles catches a spring boarding Mysterio. Rey turns it into a DDT. Styles counters Rey into a Flap Jack. Rey enziguri’s Styles into 619 spot. Anderson takes the bullet for Styles. Rey takes out Anderson. Styles gives Rey the Oshi Giroshi. They seem to botch a top rope Styles Clash. Power Bomb by Styles when they reset. Styles Clash. Randy Orton shows up in the ring, winks at AJ and leaves the ring. Mysterio rolls up Styles for the win. They abruptly cut to commercial. That was hilarious.

Kevin DiFrango

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