Great Khali sings “Happy Birthday” (kinda) to John Cena, Michael Cole slips in timely Lilian Garcia joke

Thanks to Prowrestling.net for unearthing this gem. Essentially, the clip speaks for itself at about the 26-second mark, but the majority of the WWE roster wished John Cena a happy birthday last night after WWE Monday Night Raw went off the air, with the highlight being Great Khali singing “Hahpee Bahday” to the former champ. No, the highlight was not Triple H unhilariously forcing him to do it, and no, the highlight was not a fat midget dressed up like a fat regular person. And no, the highlight wasn’t even developmental call-ups like Damien Sandow, Antonio Cesaro (with unlimited soup) and soon-to-be two-time flop Abraham Washington standing there with their tongues up Cena’s ass. Just a simple song from the enlarged heart of a 7-foot contorted man-monster. It’s like “Harry and the Hendersons” but bad. -Eric

Headlines: Matt Hardy can’t admit to sucking, Young Bucks can’t either, Del Rio (rightfully) gets no love

matt hardy

Who woulda thought, huh?

According to Prowrestling.net (and I saw this earlier on his Twitter account, so also according to me), Matt Hardy lashed out at a fan who must have been speaking the God’s honest gospel truth about how much Matt Hardy sucks as a pro wrestler and a human being (and an actor, and an entertainer, and a ghost hunter, and did I mention human being?).

Please bet against me and insult and have fun at my expense. You you’ve never done anything and never will. While I sit home with enough money to last two lifetimes.

A) Jason Powell corrected Hardy’s spelling because he originally wrote to “best” against him. The best thing that’s ever been against Hardy is the wall that props his drunk ass up at the Waffle Stop while he devours the left side of the menu. (And he can afford it, too, because he has enough money for the two lifetimes he’s very quickly burning through.) B) It’s a good thing we’re a dirt sheet, because that means he can’t lash out at us. Remember, he basically said that already.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, the Young Bucks recently [edit for who-gives-a-fuck] listen guys, you suck, your schtick sucks, and you’re only getting press because there are 10,000 sites like ours hungry for interviews with disgruntled former independent contractors. If you can make enough money on the indy circuit, do it while you can, because eventually everyone is going to see through this spot-monkey bullshit and bandana-wearing garbage and toss you out like yesterday’s garbage. Not that it’s any of my business, but just how much money do you think Marty Jannetty and Ricky Morton are pulling in for that same act, just 25 years later? Then again, they’ve both made enough money to last two lifetimes.

Speaking of indy guys, according to Prowrestling.net, Wrestling Revolution has named its first two roster members, Colt Cabana and Dr. Luther (some old Canadian). Wrestling Revolution began as a Kickstarter project created by Jeff Katz, former WCW Internet nerd turned Hollywood executive producer. Rather than force you to sit through a three-minute video of a fat bearded guy green-screened in front of a wrestling ring he’ll never step foot inside, let me give you the rundown: Katz wants to steal my No. 1 draft pick of Colt Cabana and create a wrestling “league” based on a shortened storyline schedule similar to that of cable TV seasons. Interesting concept, and I hope it takes off. Or I hope it fails at the same time I win the lottery so I can hire Colt myself.

Finally, according to an eyewitness report from WWE Monday Night Raw (posted at Prowrestling.net), WWE Champion Alberto del Rio has no crowd heat whatsoever. Two guesses as to why that could be: He’s not very good, and the writers have completely fucked up a very simple aristocratic character by making him smile like a retard at the zoo and say his own name every week. Come on, let him get down to kicking ass and shoving pesos down his opponents’ throats. Heat = instant. -Eric

Astonishing Khali to undergo surgery, knees aren’t so great

GIVE ME YOUR PAIN KILLERS! BRRAGAHGAHAALALHAGAAA!

"GIVE ME YOUR PAIN KILLERS! BRRAGAHGAHAALALHAGAAA!"

This might have been a news item somewhere else a while back, but as was revealed to me on JR’s Bar-B-Q blog (noted by Prowrestling.net… I get the damn e-mails, too; why don’t I just read them and credit myself?), the Great Khali will go under the knife for knee surgery. This comes at a terrible time for Smackdown… oh shit, who am I kidding? I’m about to post a blog examining Smackdown’s roster, which is thinner than my grandma’s muumuu, and Khali goes down with an injury, bringing Snacktown’s midcard roster down to essentially three wrestlers. But Khali wasn’t that valuable anyway, so whatever. See you in about eight months, big man. Just don’t forget to keep your prescriptions up to date, unlike your knee-less friend, the littlest bloated man. -Eric

Nightmare At Orlando’s Buffets

Chef, are you sure this is enough food for Abyss and Mick Foley?

Chef, are you sure this is enough food for Abyss and Mick Foley?

According to this story on Prowrestling.net, Abyss revealed that his dream opponent is Mick Foley. I can’t wait for a fat, out of shape Mankind to take on a taller, fatter, worse version of Mankind that has no mic skills and even less talent in the ring. I’m drooling at the prospect of Mike Tenay and Don West calling a Million Thumb Tacks, Barb Wire, Doom and Despair, Boiler Room, Reverse Casket Match.

Abyss also claims that the WWE has contacted him at least three separate times. I know the WWE has an unhealthy obsession with big men that can’t work but they are either muscles heads (See Dave Batista) or guys so freakishly large that they become a celebrity in their home country like the Great Khali. Kind of tall and fat doesn’t fit in either of those categories. I think Abyss’ nose just grew by the length of a kendo stick. - Kevin

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