Can you feel the excitement in the air?! I can’t! It’s TNA No Surrender, and it’s one hour away! But my predictions are no minutes away. Here’s the final lineup, according to TNAWrestling.com, and totally not taking into consideration the possibility that Booker T might not make it since he lives in the current shitstorm that is Houston, Texas, and can’t exactly be flying all over the country:
MAIN EVENT FOR THE TNA WRESTLING WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
FOUR WAYS TO GLORY MATCH:
Champion Samoa Joe vs. Booker T vs. Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage
Thoughts: Who cares? No matter what, everyone will come out looking worse, and that goes double for Samoa Joe.
TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Beer Money, Inc. vs. The Latin American Xchange
Thoughts: Who cares? Beer Money fifty-percent sucks, and the other 50 percent might have suffered a concussion at last night’s house show, says the Wrestling Observer/Figure Four Online. And Shelly won’t wrestle me in my apartment. LAX are rad, though. They deserve better than Storm and Roode for opponents.
X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Champion “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir
Thoughts: Who cares? I kinda like Consequences Creed, but his outfit is stupid, his Rough Cuts are running too long, and his work name is awful compared to his real name. Petey Williams is ten types of nothing-happening these days. Shaun Daivari is the man, but Abdul Bashir gets his ass kicked by referees.
MIXED MARTIAL ARTS MATCH
“The Phenomenal” AJ Styles vs. Frank Trigg
Thoughts: Who the fuck cares?
TAG TEAM MATCH
Abyss & Matt Morgan vs. Team 3D
Thoughts: Jesus Christ, who in the flying fucking world cares? At least this is addition by subtraction.
KNOCKOUT WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP
Champion Taylor Wilde vs. Angelina Love of The Beautiful People
Thoughts: Hot chicks, lots of momentum, OK wrestling, and one woman with a roll-up as a finisher. A mixed bag, but I’ll probably be playing with my bag during this match.
LADDER OF LOVE MATCH
“Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt
Thoughts: Who cares? Jay Lethal is now stuck with this awful gimmick (that I used to love, when I thought they’d show some restraint and cut it off before it was too late), Sonjay Dutt is just awful, and So Cal Val looks like her mom irons clothes with her face. End this shit now.
The Rock N’ Rave Infection (Lance Rock, Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme) vs. The Prince Justice Brotherhood (Curry Man, Shark Boy & Super Eric)
Thoughts: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking stupid. All of you, go kill yourselves.
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
ODB vs. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed
Thoughts: I wonder if ODB ever dumped that doofus who kept standing in the way of my camera while I was taping an indy show she was on?
OK, enjoy the show. I’ll have the car running and the garage all sealed up if you want to join me.
Yell at Eric by writing to firstname.lastname@example.org.