Huh, TNA has a pay-per-view tonight? Damned if I knew that; Jeremy said something to me on IM about Kevin asking him to do an audio preview (Jeremy scoffed), and I was all like, oh damn, I didn’t even know. So here’s a text-based preview of TNA Final Resolution. (I had to go to TNAWrestling.com for the line-up, and that scuzzy SoCal Val was on a video hesitating and hiccuping through her very simple lines to promote the show. Uh, uh, uh, you suck.)
Daniels vs. AJ Styles (TNA “World” Title): Boy, these fresh young main eventers are setting the world on fire. Prediction: I’ll be asleep.
Desmond Wolfe vs. Kurt Angle (Three Degrees of… Pain? What the fuck is that?): Wolfe is making headlines these days as… oh, no he’s not. Prediction: Lariat attempted countered into an armbar takedown transitioned into an ankle lock, at which point I’ll probably be watching football anyway.
Scott Steiner vs. Bobby Lashley (Last Man Standing): Jesus christ. Prediction: Someone’s gonna tear something. The man who isn’t standing will be legitimately injured.
Motor City Machine Guns vs. British Invasion (Tag Team Titles): OK, two guys I like vs. two guys I don’t hate. Someone IM me when this match comes on. Prediction: MCMG will get fucked like they always do.
Dudleys & Rhino & Jesse Neal vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez & DeSomethingOrOther Dinero & Suicide (Elimination match, go figure): OK, so Rhino and Jesse Neal like each other again? And how are “future main eventers” Morgan and Hernandez supposed to shine here? Seriously, Hernandez, I beg you, get out of this contract and go to WWE. I have a friend who knows people. I haven’t talked to him in a while, but maybe he can help. And you know the people he knows. Hear me out, man. Prediction: I text my friend.
Tara vs. ODB (Knockouts Title): Eh, whatever. Where’s Taylor Wilde? She’s as cute as a button. Prediction: ODB slaps her big tits.
Raven & Dr. Stevie vs. Mick Foley & Abyss: Sooo… Foley and Abyss like each other again, too? Whatever, go eat some Chef Boyardee, you fat fuck. (That goes for three of you four.) Prediction: None of these guys will ever work for WWE. (Foley will be inducted into the hall of fame many, many years from now.)
Samoa Joe & Beer Money & Kevin Nash & Eric Young & Abdul Bashir vs. Kiyoshi & Homicide & Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed & Cody Deaner (Feast or Fired): Unbelievable. This is going to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I would rather watch Kevin Nash do 20 minutes of stand-up while Homicide gets drunk and heckles him. I would rather watch Eric Young swing from the barn. I would rather watch the board meeting where four of these guys get legitimately fired from TNA before the match happens. Prediction: Hatred and death.
So there you go, expert analysis from yours truly. Have a good night, everybody! -Eric