(running to local grocer) "*huhhh huhhh huhhh* Oh shit, I gotta get me some of that great-tasting... *gasp* ready-to-eat food!"

As if JBL’s Mamajuana wasn’t bad enough… According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle has begun shilling a new line of… some sort of food stuff. Here, if you can make him out between all the gurgles and pills under his tongue, let Kurt explain:

“Fans and friends always ask me, ‘How do you stay in great physical condition year-round when wrestling over 190 brutal matches and travelling 225 days a year,” Angle is quoted as saying in the UK Sun.

“My secret: I eat great-tasting, ready-to-eat Angle’s Signature Series meals prepared by my personal Olympic training chef and nutritionist.”

Let’s dispel a couple of rumors. One, Kurt Angle is not in great physical condition. Not year-round, not month-round, not between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 a.m. Two, TNA runs maybe 10 house shows a month in VFW halls and barns across the country, and when he’s not working, Kurt is busy running from the law. That’s not “travelling.” Three, I guarantee you whatever this junk is is not great-tasting. Sure, it may be ready to eat, but so essentially are Smart Ones; just pop ’em in the microwave, and four minutes later you’ve got some smelly tuna sitting in watery alfredo sauce with a gloppy breadcrumb topping. How breadcrumbs get gloppy, I’ll never know. Anyway, the likelihood of Kurt Angle using a nutritionist not named Dr. Zahorian is low, and the possibility of anything with Angle’s name on it, including a prescription bottle, being healthy for you is even lower. Just make sure you wash it down with some Hulk Hogan energy drink! -Eric