We here at Stunt Granny never espoused expertise in either professional wrestling booking or professional wrestler booking mind-reading. But that never stopped us from armchairing it every once in a while! Dusty and I are the biggest fantasy bookers since Russo & Ferrara, and as a supplement to this week’s audio, we present to you our preferences (not predictions) and expectations for this year’s WWE Draft, to be held on a special three-hour Monday Night Raw next week. Ooh, ooh, me first! (A bit of a foreword: My overall goals here were to balance the number of (usually available) headliners on each show, give some midcarders a chance to shine, and make fun of the lesser Hardy brother.)
RAW TOP BABYFACES
1. John Cena
Why keep him on Raw: He is the face of WWE, he is the centerpiece, he is the biggest star, and there’s no way he’s moving from the A-show.
2. Triple H
Why keep him on Raw: He thinks he’s the face of WWE, he thinks he’s the centerpiece, he thinks he’s the biggest star, and there’s no way he’s moving from the A-show.
3. John Morrison
Why move him to Raw: If you’re going to push a guy to championships and DVDs, you might as well do it on the mothership; plus, it’s good for top-tier heel-face balance.
RAW TOP HEELS
Why move him to Raw: He’s already there every week; he’s also likely to take some time off soon (or be injured), so putting him here with the rest of this list means not leaving a gaping hole on Smackdown.
2. CM Punk
Why move him to Raw: Fresh babyface opponents and a chance to lead the pack as a dominant heel.
3. The Miz
Why keep him on Raw: This is the biggest stage on which to shine, and Miz is the next big star.
4. Big Show
Why keep him on Raw: He and Miz are a great package, and even if Show takes some time off because he’s an aging giant, there are still plenty of heels atop this list (read: Batista’s write-up).
Why keep him on Raw: Hunter loves him, and he can float between top feuds with Morrison and midcard feuds with others (where he’d offer some rub as a former WWE Champion).
SMACKDOWN TOP BABYFACES
Why keep him on Smackdown: He’s a Smackdown institution at this point, plus you don’t want another fragile old man leaving his top post on Raw. So let’s keep loading this list.
2. Randy Orton
Why move him to Smackdown: Raw isn’t big enough for him, Hunter and Cena, and the other two aren’t budging, so give Orton, essentially, his own show. Well, one to share with…
Why keep him on Smackdown: Also a bit of a Smackdown staple (even given his Live Sex Celebration on Raw, I think of him as an SD guy), there *is* room for him and Orton on one show.
4. Rey Mysterio
Why keep him on Smackdown: Another guy who’s hardly been on Raw since the brand split, but he also gets hurt a lot, so put him on the show with more top faces to choose from.
5. Great Khali
Why keep him on Smackdown: Hey, don’t blame me for WWE thinking the guy is a main-eventer.
SMACKDOWN TOP HEELS
1. Chris Jericho
Why keep him on Smackdown: He’s custom-made to be the top heel of a show, but especially one where he won’t be smothered by John Cena and Triple H as his opponents.
2. Jack Swagger
Why keep him on Smackdown: Technically, according to WWE.com, he’s already on this roster, so leave him here and let him earn his stripes.
Why move him to Smackdown: So you can turn him heel and have him feud with Edge, silly! Or if WWE comes to grips with Edge’s miscasting, have him swap roles here with Christian and laugh all the way to the bank.
RAW MIDCARD BABYFACES
1. Evan Bourne
Why keep him on Raw: WWE loves this guy, so why not keep him on the top show? Give him a run at the United States Title, if Daniel Bryan doesn’t get to it first.
2. Kofi Kingston
Why keep him on Raw: Raw’s midcard has become Kofi’s kingdom, so let him reign less-than-supreme here.
3. Yoshi Tatsu
Why keep him on Raw: WWE must think something of this guy since they moved him here, have given him a few wins on TV and made him victorious in the WrestleMania 26 battle royal; give him a shot.
Why keep him on Raw: He’s not exactly going to make a splash if he moves back to Smackdown, so keep him here where he can give heel migrants some rub.
5. Mark Henry
Why keep him on Raw: I don’t know, as a token of gratitude for 14 years of service? I like him, but this is the spot where he’s stuck from here on out.
RAW MIDCARD HEELS
1. Drew McIntyre
Why move him to Raw: He doesn’t need to bring the Intercontinental Title with him, but if he’s the “chosen one,” maybe he should be on the hallowed ground of Raw.
Why move him to Raw: He and JTG need to separate, and this gives Da (Former) Beast a chance to spread his wings and possibly move up the ladder to feuds with Cena and Hunter.
3. Cody Rhodes
Why keep him on Raw: Like Cryme Tyme, Rhodes and Ted DiBiase need to get away from each other to freshen up, and Rhodes seems more prepared, at least on the microphone, for a live camera.
Why keep him on Raw: Another guy who isn’t going to make a splash by moving to Smackdown – what’s he gonna do, make everyone sign another petition to oust GM Teddy Long?
5. Luke Gallows
Why move him to Raw: While it would serve CM Punk well to sit atop the heel roster alone, a bodyguard never hurt.
SMACKDOWN MIDCARD BABYFACES
Why keep him on Smackdown: Let’s face it, R-Truth is not Raw material, yet WWE wants to give him a nice little push; let them do it on the B-show.
2. Matt Hardy
Why keep him on Smackdown: Matt Hardy is kind of like the Texas Tornado; he got a nice midcard push until who gave a flying fuck about him. The differences between the two are, Kerry Von Erich weighed an unnatural 254 pounds thanks to steroids, whereas Hardy weighs 254 because of Nutter Butter; one is bow-legged while the other was one-footed; and I didn’t want Von Erich to blow his brains out. Summary: Who cares?
Why keep him on Smackdown: If Shad moves to Raw, writers won’t seem forced to associate JTG with him, allowing this young, charismatic, solid worker to shine at the I-C/U.S. level.
Why keep him on Smackdown: He’s getting older but is still a decent worker who can help elevate younger heels on this brand before they move to the big leagues.
Why keep him on Smackdown: I realize this whole tier didn’t get much of a shake-up, but really, none of these guys “deserve” to be on Raw, no matter how much you love Finlay (or hate Hardy).
SMACKDOWN MIDCARD HEELS
1. Ted DiBiase
Why move him to Smackdown: Another guy who needs to spread his wings; this section of Smackdown here will allow him to do that
2. Dolph Ziggler
Why keep him on Smackdown: He was already a bust on Raw but has blossomed on this show, so don’t uproot him. But change his god damn name.
3. Shelton Benjamin
Why keep him on Smackdown: If you’re rarely going to use such a talented athlete, he might as well stay on the secondary show, where he’ll give the perception of a veteran presence and where there’s less of a glass ceiling and a slllllight chance of upward mobility.
4. Zack Ryder
Why move him to Smackdown: Raw already has one abrasive jackass known as the Miz, so for self-preservation, Ryder needs to insist on this move.
5. Ezekiel Jackson
Why keep him on Smackdown: Raw has Shad, Smackdown needs Zeke. (P.S. Raw needs Hernandez, Smackdown needs Matt Morgan.)
RAW BABYFACE JOBBERS
1. Santino Marella
3. Chris Masters
Why keep them on Raw: Raw needs Santino (and vice versa), and who cares about the other two?
RAW HEEL JOBBERS
1. William Regal
2. Vladimir Kozlov
3. Chavo Guerrero
Why keep them on Raw: It pains me to put Regal here, but this is all the more WWE thinks of him, and who cares about the other two? (I’ll care about Kozlov once his sitcom with Santino starts.)
SMACKDOWN BABYFACE JOBBERS
2. Jimmy Wang Yang
3. Kung Fu Naki
Why keep them on Smackdown: Dustin Rhodes needs to shed the gold costume, feud with his brother and earn some money, and (ahem) who cares about the other two?
SMACKDOWN HEEL JOBBERS
1. Mike Knox
2. Slam Master J
3. Curt Hawkins
Why keep them on Smackdown: If it pained me to put Regal where I did, it kills me to put Knox here, and (Maestro?) who cares about the other two?
SMACKDOWN TAG TEAMS
1. Hart Dynasty
2. Croft & Baretta
Why keep them on Smackdown: Why not? No good reason to move one to Raw and leave each with no feuds.
I don’t have time for this shit.
I don’t know, move Gail Kim over here. And hire Awesome Kong.