Diva news: Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, Ultimate Warrior

mickie james

Yes, have some.

MICKIE JAMES NO CLOTHES: Sorry, I had to say that. It’s one of the top searches that brings people to Stunt Granny! Anyway, according to Prowrestling.net, Mickie James’ new country album, “Strangers and Angels,” is available for preview on iTunes. Coincidentally, my band Hold For Swank has two albums on iTunes, both of which are worth every penny you’d spend.

BETH BAD-KNEE-NIX: Also according to Prowrestling.net, Beth Phoenix is rehabbing after having surgery to repair a torn ACL. WWE women’s championships are curses, to the point where I would almost rather have non-wrestlers like Layla or Eve holding them so the good wrestlers like Phoenix and Gail Kim can stay healthy and have quality matches. That would free up Kelly Kelly to take baths at my house.

THIS GUY MAKES COFFEE NERVOUS: One last thing to borrow from Prowrestling.net: Ultimate Warrior posted a blog at UltimateWarrior.com blasting the original Ted DiBiase for comments he made on the WWE’s DVD, “The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior.” Warrior, who begins his blog with “Dear Teddy,” as though he’s got the mind of an adult rather than an ADD-addled eight-year-old, accuses the “born-again” DiBiase (the same one who blew off a retarded kid at the wrestling museum in Waterloo) of being a sinner, a “reprobate,” a liar and, in so many words, a shitty wrestler. Here’s a snippet of the Warrior’s destrucified brilliance:

Once and for all, let’s stop the bullshit and put things in no uncertain terms: without guys like me, Ted Dibiase, you never would have worked a Main Event match in the WWF.

You were so smart about the business, Teddy, you were too stupid to figure out how it really works. Guys like you funded petty cash. Guys like me — and Hogan and Savage at the time — paid the mortgages and the travel bills and the production costs of the whole operation. Your profit making contribution was like hitting three cherries on a nickel slot machine. Mine was like hitting the Powerball Jackpot. I earned my limousine. Yours was provided as part of your silly gimmick. Reality check: my quarterly royalty checks were for more money than you made in a whole year. It was never about who could draw money with a guy like you — it was always about who could draw money with a guy like me. Guys like you were one-of-many. Guys like me were one-of-a-kind.

To hear you tell it, you were a master of leading people around by the nose in the ring. One of those guys who could have a match with a broomstick. That’s you, man. Mr. Magic. I guess Vince was too stupid to see the great matches and big money that would come out of a run between Ultimate Warrior and Million Dollar Man. That’s why we only worked together once, maybe twice. Or maybe it was because you couldn’t find my nose.

Well yeah, not when you coked it right off your face! It’s funny that a guy who earned his living based on his ability to shoot steroids, to run to the ring at high speeds, and to serve Vince McMahon’s jackoff fantasies about rippled men would shoot down DiBiase’s ability to make a little less money based on his incredible ability to make goobers like Warrior look good in the ring. That’s like the 1.3-GPA son of the owner of a business making fun of his 4.0 counterpart for making less money at the company. DiBiase was handed everything as part of a gimmick, a main-event gimmick he earned by being a great wrestler. Warrior was handed everything (he certainly didn’t earn it) by being a bumbling mongoloid who enjoyed painting his face, growing a mullet and injecting things into his body that would make a six-pack of Red Bull screech to a halt. Whatever, it’s actually kind of a cute, endearing blog that makes you feel bad for Mr. Warrior. Makes you feel worse for Mrs. Warrior! -Eric

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