This blog post is completely random and (as I’m typing this I’m realizing it) is the type of drivel Wade Keller allows dunces like Marc Warzecha to write on PWTorch.com (if you’re not a VIP member, sign up today!). Notice I said “type” of drivel, though; I hope this is better, and I hope you all can think of more items to add to this list.
I was reading this interview recap at Prowrestling.net, and Christopher Daniels said that TNA never really understood the “Fallen Angel” gimmick and let it be just a nickname rather than a persona. (This sucks, as a tried-and-true character could have helped Daniels create an even stronger connection with a national crowd than he already has by being a color-by-numbers indy worker with a smelly subsection of the audience.) Anyway, as we all know, that idiot Vince Russo is in charge of booking, and as we all know, there are a lot of things about wrestling he doesn’t understand. But I wondered, what if Russo had come around a generation earlier? How would the characters I grew up knowing and loving be different? What angles, indelibly etched into my memory today, would have been fleeting and forgettable? Let’s think out loud…
* Mr. Perfect would have lost his first match.
* Earthquake would have sat on Hulk Hogan, then appeared in Hogan’s corner in his own match against Hogan.
* The Rockers would have actually snorted cocaine on TV, because “I sweah ta gahd, Wade, that’s what rock-and-rollahs do.”
* Ax would have introduced Crush into Demolition but immediately showed signs of jealousy before turning on Smash.
* Three seconds later, Crush would have tried to join the Four Horsemen, even though they were in the NWA.
* “The World’s Strongest Man” Dino Bravo would have had a love affair with Rockin’ Robin, who would have been given a penis.
* Crush would then spend three weeks trying to join the Heenan Family, claiming he’d been being scouted the whole time.
* Slick and the Twin Towers would have been a Black Power organization.
* Crush would try to join that, too.
* Ted DiBiase would have been given a black servant named after someone in NWA management… hmmm, OK, wait…
* The Blue Blazer would have… no, that wasn’t Russo’s fault, either.
* Wild-eyed Brutus Beefcake would symbolically cut people’s fingers off with his hedge clippers for screwing with Hulk Hogan.
* But Zeus would have symbolically killed Brutus Beefcake.
* And then Zeus would have been in Hulk Hogan’s corner for the match-up between Hulk Hogan and Zeus.
* Before joining Slick’s “bigger, blacker” organization.
* That Crush still can’t get into.
* Jesse Ventura, the man who tells it like it is, would have been replaced in mid-1990 with Vic Venom, a guy who should never tell it at all.
* Koko B. Ware would have given opponents the bird bird bird.
* Tito Santana would have never been given a chance “’cause he can’t speak no English, so as gahd as my witness, how is that entaTAYNing?”
* Ultimate Warrior would have hosted a talk show. (Wow, that’s actually not a bad idea.)
* Crush finally successfully joins a stable, only to turn on them the next week and wrestle someone else totally not affiliated with them at Summerslam.
* I change the channel.
(And I hope when I change the channel, this is what’s on…)