In an interview with NME.com, world champion pro wrestler and maybe-above-average bassist Hulk Hogan claims he was very nearly a member of the band Metallica. Read on, because this is rich:

The wrestler, who stars in his own reality TV series Hogan Knows Best, said that he used to be close mates with the metal titans’ drummer Lars Ulrich during his days as a session musician.

He told The Sun: “I used to be a session musician before I was a wrestler. I played bass guitar. I was big pals with Lars Ulrich and he asked me if I wanted to play bass with Metallica in their early days but it didn’t work out.”

I don’t even know what to think of this asshole anymore. And yes, that could apply to both Hogan and Ulrich. First of all, yes, Hulk Hogan is a bass player, so I’ll immediately concede that point. Second, this story has made its rounds for about a year now, but the legend of 14 Ultimate Warriors has been around since I was 10 years old. Now’s where I start poking holes in the story. One, Metallica was based out of Los Angeles, Calif., and formed in 1981. By this time, Hogan was already a fixture in the AWA, and even though he also wrestled for New Japan and could conceivably have had a home in L.A. for easy travel, I still call bullshit. Second, by the time we know for sure Hogan made it out to Hollywood – late 1981 or early 1982 – Metallica was basically established and not looking for a $14,000-per-movie touring pro wrestler like Hogan to play bass.

Third, and most importantly, Hulk Hogan is the type of guy who would sit in an empty room and paint a face on the side of his hand with lipstick and a permanent marker just to have someone to lie to. How heavy was Andre the Giant when Hogan pressed him over his head, brother? 850 pounds? And how many people did he do it in front of? 900 infinity million, dude? To call Hogan a “consummate bullshit artist” is an insult to consummate bullshit artists; this guy is the fucking Mad Libs of cockamamie. “Yeah, brother, I was supposed to (verb) with (proper noun), but an (adjective) (noun) wouldn’t let me/wouldn’t give me the (absurd dollar figure) he should have, dude!”

So anyway, I would take this news with a grain of salt big enough to send you into cardiac arrest. I won’t believe it until Lars Ulrich himself tells me, at which point I’ll be too busy slapping him for the awful quality of “St. Anger.” -Eric