Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

On Hold Music


I’ll do the intro tomorrow. It’ll explain the picture. (Next Day Note: So I got to start this column fairly late after being on hold with American Airlines who will do you the privilege of not charging you for a ticket for a whole 24 hours if you only use their airplane services. Unfortunately, my lady was also going to use Frontier on her itinerary so they’re going to charge her immediately. The call took long to answer so the woman needed to start over again ordering her ticket which only infuriated her more. Just to put whipped cream and a cherry on top of the situation, American Airlines didn’t send her a confirmation email but did send me her itinerary. Note to myself: Get her a new laptop. Another Note to myself: Don’t use American Airlines because they’re a pain in the ass.)

They give us a brief overview of John Cena’s last 24 hours. Stephanie & HHH get to kick off the show. I wish HHH had gone down the cry baby fans angle a little further. He crows about all the good stuff that happened at the Rumble. He works as a hype man. Stephanie announces Randy Orton in an Elimination Chamber match. Daniel Bryan interrupts. Stephanie with the condescending answer. He is stepping up big time. I mean, a Cleveland crowd is lively so Stephanie is clearly wrong. Power to the people is what Bryan is preaching. He wants into the Chamber. Bryan then steps up to HHH. I rewind to watch my boy Seth Rollins fall over the barricade. Bryan gets beat down from the Shield. Sheamus comes out to help but gets overwhelmed. John Cena makes the final save. Fun opening segment.

Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio are in the ring as a tag team. They are taking on the Real Americans. Jack Swagger not looking sharp against Sin Cara. Zeb Colter slaps Swagger. He ends up taking over against Sin Cara. A break? Really? Sin Cara DDTs Swagger for an opening. Cesaro gets dumped outside. He tosses Mysterio off the ring apron.  Mitchell Cool reacts to a roll up a little too forcefully (Next Day Edit: Cool acted like it was an innovative move which a victory roll is not.). Sin Cara can’t get the tag. He takes a rough looking drop even if it was flat. Mysterio finally gets the hot tag. He cleans house. Rey gets a couple of near falls on Cesaro but Swagger makes the save on the later. 619 on Cesaro. Sin Cara misses the Swanton and goes for a spring board. Cesaro catches him with the super upper cut. Neutralizer for the win. Here goes another Real Americans push.

Bad News Barrett has bad news for the TV viewers. We are warned of the Miz vs Dolph Ziggler in the battle of Cleveland. I can always love some Cleveland hate. Ah, the losers line. So our preview is the Monday Night Wars for the WWE Network? Wasn’t that already implied? If you’re not excited about a Summer Rae addition to Total Divas, you’re A) not male B) gay.

I am imagining a man pleasuring himself by sticking the heel into his anus like Summer is giving them a strap on after winning these dance shoes on a auction.

I am imagining a man pleasuring himself by sticking the heel into his anus like Summer is giving them some deep dicking from strap on after winning these dance shoes on a auction.

Fandango is taking on R Truth. Xavier Woods is back on the head set. Woods claims JBL stole his number. Emmalution gets to dance a little more this week. Summer Rae plays the part of siren and Truth gets blasted with a clothes line. They love talking about Woods PhD. The match is way more about the announcing. Truth gets a two count. Round house kick by Fandango gets a two count. Truth Detector for the win.

Randy Orton does everything slowly. I’m still confused by the unified title that is represented by two belts. Randy Orton talks about his third victory over John Cena. Then he starts bitching about his Elimination Chamber match when Batista interrupts. Batista doesn’t care who he faces at Wrestlemania. Cleveland keeping up the boos for Batista. Brock Lesnar enters the equation. I love Paul Heyman reluctantly saying Cleveland. Brad Maddox gets the squeeze from Paul. He suggests a match between Orton or Batista and Lesnar for tonight. Brock on TV huh? Must be Wrestlemania season.

Dolph Ziggler and The Miz are battling over the rights to Cleveland. Congrats. Columbus is way better. I do love the guy in the front row with the Steelers knit hat. The Miz wished his parents saw him get beat up tonight. Dolph goes for the dreaded sleeper hold. Mitchell Cool even got a crack in on C-Town. I just noticed the the Miz is wearing Browns inspired gear. The Miz puts on the Figure Four. Ziggler barely gets to the rope. Not as dramatic as it’s being made out. Pair of small packages. Zig Zag for the win. Ziggler doesn’t look like he can put weight on his left leg. I will not be surprised by an injury report tomorrow. (Next Day Note: I’m surprised that there is no news on it. Ziggler may have just been selling the Figure Four.)

Ryback & Curtis Axel are in the ring to take on the Usos. Jey starts against Ryback. Uso takes the beating from Ryback. Axel comes in. They are comparing Axel & Ben Roethlisberger for their look. Axel is smaller and less charming, which is quite a feat to accomplish. The announcers have the unfortunate job of trying to sell the New Age Outlaws. I’m sorry, sports are for the young. This turn back the clock works for wrestling though. Ryback misses a charge into the corner and hits the post.  Ryback tags out. Jimmy punks out Axel. Ryback blind tags Axel. Ryback misses a blind tag. Double thrust kick. Top rope splash for another win. Sounds like the Usos are getting the shot against the NAO.

Kofi Kingston gets his spot fame but will soon lose to Alberto Del Rio. Unless he’s had his spot with Batista already. I check out of the match until Kofi nails a suicide dive. Oh no, controlled frenzy is back. Del Rio enziguris Kofi off the apron. Del Rio tosses him into the barricade. JBL stands up after the crowd chants his name. Lawler gets the treatment too. Another commercial break I didn’t expect. A German suplex only gets Del Rio a two count. Back elbow by Kofi. Tornado DDT by Kofi leaves both men down. Kofi gets a small opening. He sells for a second but then ends the rally with the Boom Drop. Del Rio tries to leave the ring. SOS by Kofi but Del Rio gets his foot to the rope. Tilt-a-whirl back breaker by Del Rio. Alberto keeps saluting the Wrestlemania sign. Back stabber doesn’t put Kofi away. Kofi trips up Del Rio who was going up top. Double stomp by Del Rio who can’t capitalize. Crescent kick by Del Rio for the win. Kofi just needed to let go of the ropes to help himself out. He wasn’t caught in them. Just sayin’.

Goldust & Cody Rhodes are getting their rematch against Billy Gunn & the Road Dogg. I like the reaction by Rhodes brothers after Road Dogg insults them. Goldust starts against Gunn. Billy takes an early breather. Goldust looks odd without the gloves. Cody uses his quickness to take advantage of Road Dogg. Jesse takes a regroup break too. Rhodes takes back over. Drop kick by Rhodes interrupts the jive punch. Goldust ends up taking over on Road Dogg. Gunn gets back in. Gunn kicks Goldust in the mush for the break. By the way, is the dude in the Steelers hat also wearing a LeBron Heat jersey? That’s some big time trolling. Rhodes and Gunn go at it. Double drop kick by Cody. He’s been showing off the athleticism. Brock Lesnar F5s both Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Paul Heyman tells us this is what happens when Brock doesn’t get what he wants. Brock breaks a chair on them. Nice.

From who I get the feeling may have taken it from

From who I get the feeling may have taken it from

Cameron starts against Aksana. Nikki Bella comes in. Alicia Fox gets her spot. AJ Lee comes in. Why does she have a hat in her belt loop? Aksana takes over in the beat down of Nikki. Tamina gets her chance. Nikki kicks Tamina for some separation. Naomi comes in against AJ. Naomi could be something. She is the best in ring woman in a while. Still could be a touch smoother. Rearview on AJ. Did I miss a Brie Bella blink of an appearance? Jake “The Snake” Roberts is the next inductee into the Hall of Fame. Awesome. Man, those promos still destroy. (Next Day Note: Would it be better to bold with colors? I decided to try it out in this match. Is my column going to look too much like a John Cena shirt if I keep doing it?)

I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that the winner of the match amongst John Cena, Daniel Bryan & Sheamus against The Shield. Dean Ambrose starts against Cena. Seth Rollins gets credit for the amount of time he spent in the ring. Mitchell Cool refers to him as “the architect of the Shield” ensuring that Stunt Granny just got a secret message that the mole knows I love Rollins. Roman Reigns gets a crack at Cena. Sheamus tags in to face Reigns. Roman gets the upper hand but Sheamus fires back. Neck breaker by Sheamus. I love Mitchell Cool saving JBL for the last elimination by Reigns. Sheamus gets to club Rollins. Dean Ambrose comes in. He loses control and gets kicked by Daniel Bryan. Rollins tags in. Hello ROH. Nice transition by both. Sheamus & Cena tag in to work over Rollins. Cena is down at the break. Block buster by Rollins only gets a two count. The apron drop kick is a cool ass move by Reigns. Superman punch. He doesn’t cover him. Cena dodges the spear. Reigns goes to the outside. Reigns knocks over Cena before a tag. Ambrose continues to be eccentric. Rollins axe handles Bryan off the apron and onto Cena. The Shield tags in and out and can’t pin Cena. AA on Ambrose but Cena goes for the tag. Bryan gets the hot tag. Reigns makes the save. Sheamus gets speared. Cena gets speared. Bryan knees Reigns. Rollins rolls Bryan up for two. Buckle bomb only gets Rollins two. Release suplex by Bryan gets the momentum back. He misses a corner charge. Rollins goes for a pin but Bryan turns it into a Yes Lock. Ambrose saves Rollins. Brogue on Ambrose. Rollins and Bryan collide with cross body blocks. The Wyatts cost the baby faces? STF on Reigns by Cena. Reigns powers out. Yep, the Wyatts but differently than I thought. Sheamus and Bryan help out Cena. The baby faces win on DQ. Uh oh, do I smell faction war at Wrestlemania? Reigns is misdirecting his anger at the winning team. – Kevin

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