Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

DogDaysofSummer

I was busy playing tour guide to my friends Steve and his wife Karen the last couple of days. It’s been a good time and caused some delays at Stunt Granny HQ. Good thing that guy named Eric Nelson has popped his head back in here. Time for Raw. Let’s roll.

For some reason, people buy into the Daniel Bryan music. Stephanie McMahon has been mocking him and Brie the entire build up. Of course, a good promo has to be interrupted for a $9.99 spot. Steph introduces Nikki Bella. We don’t care about this feud already. Nikki says that Brie has split them up. We have Total Divas on Raw. Wow. This is terrible. Brie comes down sporting a shiner. Brie talks about forgiveness when Nikki slaps her. Brie walks away crying. Seriously, Daniel Bryan needs to be shown in some capacity. I don’t care if it’s home footage. He needs to be on TV for this angle.

Luke Harper & Erick Rowan are taking on Mark Henry & Big Show. If the Wyatts can’t beat the Usos collectively or Chris Jericho is singles competition, Why should they be able to beat Henry & Show? Henry & Show dominate early. I’m amused by JBL & Jerry Lawler bagging on Michael Cole for saying “Bowels of the building.” It is a bit dated. Break. Big Show lets himself be distracted and Luke Harper takes advantage. Harper & Rowan start working over Show. Rowan gets to slam Big Show. Henry gets a hot tag. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam when Harper kicks Henry on the face. Big Show hits the KO punch on both Harper & Rowan. World’s Strongest Slam on Rowan for the win. This team is just stupid.

Ric Flair is talking to Dolph Ziggler when The Miz shows up. Dolph doesn’t deserve the Intercontinental Title. Ric Flair has changed clubs. Renee Young interviews Seth Rollins. He feels good for beating Dean Ambrose. He is the future of the WWE. Ambrose dumps ice water on him. They are separated by agents.

HHH gives us a rematch of Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose for later tonight but we get to pick the stipulation. Or one of the stipulations they give us. Has Natalya slimmed up? Paige dedicates the match to AJ Lee. Paige is winning the match when AJ Lee comes skipping out. Natalya rolls up Paige for the victory. AJ gives the innocent face. Then grabs the mic. She respects Paige. She tells her that she loves her. AJ is dedicating her life to Paige. They’re letting this play out. I like it. We only have three choices. That’s bogus.

HHH & Stephanie come out. They debut a new belt that looks sort of plain but is pretty solid. HHH introduces Brock Lesnar. They shake hands and pose with the belt. I’m not sure why Lawler is surprised by the crowd reaction. People hated Cena. Paul Heyman gets another speech. Vince Russo disapproves. John Cena is not here this evening. Heyman finally realizes why his children liked John Cena. They understand that he will never give up. Heyman would make Cena a Heyman Guy. Heyman talks about everything dying at the hands of Brock Lesnar. The same beating awaits for his next opponent.  Heyman isn’t even immune to the $9.99 mandate. Suplex repeat. Sixteen times I’m guessing. I didn’t count. They sure made it sound like he will only be defending the belt every so often.

Dolph Ziggler defends the IC Title against The Miz. Justin Roberts does formal introductions. Ziggler gets to sell the knee injury that started last night. A knee to the post leads to a break. Ziggler turns a charge into a DDT on the Miz. Ziggler grabs for the ropes after an extended figure four by the Miz. Ziggler trips Miz coming to the outside.  The Miz wins by count out. What a weird angle. The baby face  is injured. The Miz attacks Ziggler. He tosses Ziggler back into the ring. Zig Zag on the Miz who got too cocky. Renee Young gets to talk to Jack Swagger. He passed out in the Accolade. Swagger says that we unite when things are looking bad. He’s going to pick himself up and come out swinging.

Cesaro is taking on Swagger again. Cesaro goes after Cesaro’s ribs. For some reason, the announcers are bickering like girls about Swagger’s effort last night. Swagger Bomb again. JBL is correct, it is a dumb move. JBL pouring on the hate for Swagger. Cesaro gets caught in the Patriot Lock but Swagger was on the apron. Neutralizer by Cesaro for the win. Bo Dallas comes out. 318 million Americans were let down by Swagger. He needs to Bo-Lieve. Renee Young is a busy beaver tonight. Chris Jericho is the subject this time. He sells how creepy Bray Wyatt is. He gets the crowd behind him and says he’ll always be good.

I have no idea what JBL is talking about at this point and the other announcers have no idea either. You can’t smell the alcohol on his breath, can you? Sheamus starts against Curtis Axel in six man action. Randy Orton gets the next tag. RVD hits Rolling Thunder when he comes in. Commercial break before Ryback or Roman Reigns get in. Sheamus is pounding away on Axel or Ryback. Orton low bridges Sheamus. Orton is really playing up the pose again these days. Not sure why that has become a focus again. Ryback is in his home town and people are going crazy for him. Ryback gives Sheamus the delayed vertical suplex. Orton takes back over. Sheamus gives Orton White Noise. Reigns gets the hot tag. Superman Punch on Axel and Ryback. Orton gives Reigns a back breaker. RVD gets tagged in. He nails the split legged moonsault. Exhchange of finishers. RVD with a heel kick on Axel. Five Star Frog Splash for RVD’s first win in ages.

Randy Orton gets found by Ric Flair. Orton doesn’t want his advice and seems ready to kick his ass. Bray Wyatt was the pale rider. A bunch of randow stuff. Follow the Buzzards. The Usos come out before the break.

Goldust & Stardust are their opponents. I can’t believe the Usos have had the titles since March. They had a pretty good run until the last month when they disappeared. They conquered the Wyatt Family but lost their ideal opponents. Goldust is getting smartly double teamed. Stardust gets the tag in short order. He ends up getting worked over by the Usos too. Stardust got dropped hard with a belly to back suplex. Stardust gets the almost tag spot. He rolls up Jimmy for the win. Interesting.

Lana & Rusev come out to brag. Mark Henry comes out to confront them. I’ll take this over him being in a tag team. Wow, he just dismissed Lana. He’s going to give him an introduction into the Hall of Pain. World’s Strongest Slam after a short exchange. Henry is the perfect guy to have Rusev crushed or put over. Henry splashes Rusev.

Jerry Lawler reveals the stipulation. A Falls Count anywhere match is set for tonight. Dean Ambrose has a hoodie. Smart move Dean. Merch that look. Seth Rollins comes out second. Ambrose drop kicks Rollins out of the ring to start the in the crowd antics. Ambrose suplexs Rollins on the stage. He only gets a two count. Ambrose drops the elbow with a chair from the middle rope. Rollins kicks out at two. Rollins reverses a whip and tosses Ambrose head first into a chair. Break. Rollins is whacking Ambrose with a kendo stick. Ambrose misses the sling shot clithes line. Rollins nails him with an enziguri. Ambrose dodges a charge. Ambrose tornado DDTs Rollins for a two count. They double clothes line each other. Rollins gets the early upper hand but Ambrose turns it around. Ambrose attacks with the kendo stick. Ambrose tosses a bunch of chairs into the ring. Sit down power bomb by Rollins on Ambrose only gets a two count. Kane shows up. Rollins grabs a table. Ambrose was set up for a Curb Stomp through the table but he got to Rollins. Ambrose suplexes Rollins trhough the table. Ambrose suicide dives onto Kane & Rollins. Sling shot clothesline connects. Ambrose nails Dirty Deeds but you can tell Ambrose is leaving his leg out to be pulled. Ambrose attacks a retreating Rollins. Kane choke slams Ambrose onto the announce table. Curb Stomp on the announcer’s table. Kane reveals cinder blocks. Rollins Curb Stomps Ambrose on them. – Kevin

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