Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

treeoflifeSo we’ve got two Summerslam re-matches tonight? Glad I only pay $9.99 for those or I’d be more pissed. Chris Jericho taking on Bray Wyatt knocks is one of them and it’s kicking off the show. This reeks of a bad finish with the placement on the show. I love the whole “Season Premiere” gimmick the WWE pulls. Wyatt tries to escape exceptionally early. Jericho goes for a cover after an enziguri. He tries to escape moments later. Lawler thinks Y2J has to get up to the top of the cage to see Luke Harper. In Lawler’s world, we’d be staring at a wall from the hard camera position. Jericho had problems giving Wyatt an electric chair because he’s shorter than the top rope. The announcers keep talking about Jericho escaping after having pointed out that both competitors can win by pin fall or submission. It is terrible strategy by Jericho to try and leave the cage. Wyatt gives him a middle rope superplex. Wyatt crab walks to the cage door. I’m imploring the announcers not to act freaked out about that. It’s a crab walk, oodles of children do that around their friends. Jericho hits a “cross body” from the top of the cage. There was no reason for him not to drop between Erick Rowan & Luke Harper. It meant he won the match. Who cares if you get your ass kicked? Jericho & Wyatt are fighting at the cage door. Wyatt starts working over the injured knee. Wyatt rolls out of the ring for the victory. Wyatt slams the door on Jericho’s knee. Nice storyline to help make up for a weak victory. Jericho injured himself so that he wouldn’t win taking the same fall. Sister Abigail on Jericho. I should start drinking every time the words “Season Premiere” are uttered. Does “New Season” count for my game since Kane just said it to Seth Rollins. HHH makes me drink once. Rollins is rocking a decent new shirt. Randy Orton wants to take out Roman Reigns in the main event tonight.

Dolph Ziggler is fine with invading the Miz’s personal account. Oh no, bad photoshop. At least Miz took the pictures. JBL wonders who took the pictures. The Miz & Damien Sandow show up. We’re going to get sued if we try to republish the Miz’s photos. Don’t worry Miz, I don’t even care to post the picture I took with you at Emeril’s in New Orleans. Sandow is spray tanning The Miz’s ass in the third picture. Ziggler laughs. The rest of us don’t. Drink again.

I have not watched Total Divas yet. I was busy painting. It was then more important to watch the Steelers vs the Browns. Antonio Brown kicking the punter in the face was even surprising after Dusty told me it was going to happen. Shocking but as he said, fuck him, he’s a Brown. Natalya & Rosa Mendes are taking on Paige & AJ Lee. Paige tosses around head butts which look vicious and equally shocking. It doesn’t seem very womanly. Rosa doesn’t tag Natalya so they can have another story line on Total Divas. AJ Lee tags herself in and slaps on the Black Widow. Ha. They exchange kissing the belt. Chris Jericho is in the back getting help when Randy Orton attacks. Drink again.

I don’t even attempt to explain the “Season Premeire” thing to my Lady. She is thoroughly confused. Paul Heyman starts talking but is quickly interrupted by John Cena. Lesnar has given Heyman inside information on how to beat Brock Lesnar at Night of Champions. Cena tells him that Never Give Up is what he’ll do to beat Lesnar. Heyman wants Cena to tell the people who chant against him how much hate he has. I always appreciate a good rap especially when the Baltimore Ravens are the butt end of the joke.  Heyman tells Cena to tap into the hate or he won’t be able to beat Brock. Cena debates yelling at the fan. The dueling chant begins. Cena talks doesn’t want to turn his back on the fans. He understands the position he’s in. Cena pulls out the good stuff he does. Powerful stuff as he’s almost cracking talking about it. Cena makes Heyman cower in the corner. Cena requests Lesnar’s presence or he’ll fight Heyman next week.

Sheamus is taking on Seth Rollins. Interesting match up. Sheamus takes conrol early. Rollins gets into it by kicking Sheamus in the knee. Sheamus tosses Rollins outside. Cesaro comes out to the ramp. He’s at ring side after the break. This will make it easy to have Sheamus lose. I thought he might be higher than Rollins on the imaginary ladder. Sheamus hits a battering ram from the top rope. Sheamus misses a charge into the corner. Sheamus takes over with a pair of knees and an Irish Curse back breaker. Sheamus gets distracted by Cesaro grabbing the championship belt. Rollins rolls up Sheamus. Cesaro & Sheamus play tug of war with the belt. Sheamus lets go. Rollins attacks from behind. Curb Stomp for the win. What other sport always that kind of scouting? Cesaro gets in the ring and talks trash. He Neutralizes Sheamus.

Drink again. How many have I missed FFing though? Lana talks for Rusev. I FF again. LAwler sits on the “floor” in protest to what they are doing. The fans aren’t following your example. I wonder if our resident NXT expert will be watching this Takeover. Kenta gets air time. The Fatal Fourway participants get a tag match on Raw. Is this good?

Tyler Breeze & Tyson Kidd are taking on Adrian Neville & Sami Zayn. Breeze starts off against Zayn. Kidd tags in and they double team Zayn. Breeze & Kidd wear down Zayn. This is a good team. Neville is quite the athlete after the hot tag. Zayn hits the flip dive onto Kidd. Neville connects with a 360 flip vertical and horizontal for the win. I think. Impressive is an easier way to put it.

Drink again as Stephanie McMahon comes out for more rubbing it in on the Bellas. She introduces Jerry Springer who is with his security guard Jason. He’s smart and brings out Brie first. Why does she look smug at the video? He wonders why Brie apologized. I agree. Just terrible answers which don’t make her any more sympathetic. Nikki has even more teased out hair so that we really know she’s bad. Why not just have her carry a bottle to the ring? Let it drop out of her vagina. It’d be brilliant. Springer would be “steamed?” Nikki blames Brie for making their dad leave. Oh no, he sent a video to Jerry. Mom recorded a much longer one. Mom favors Brie quite clearly. JJ Bella comes out. “JJ gets entrance music?” JBL spot on. “I have no idea what to say.”  He blames Nikki. Cat fight with Jerry in between. Nikki slaps JJ. Steph gets involved. It doesn’t stop Brie from taking it to Nikki. That was pretty hokey.

The Dust Brothers hit the ring. The Usos get an in set promo. If you hurt one, you hurt the other. Their hurt is coming soon. Los Matadores are sacrificial lambs. El Torito is out of action. One of the Matadores misses the suicide dive. Stardust takes advantage. Goldust catches the other one from behind. Dark Matter wins, a reverse downward spiral which looks awfully ineffective. The Usos attack from behind. Not much happens before the Dusts head off. Nice little Joan Rivers tribute.

Slater & Gator are in the ring. Adam Rose comes down for another quick victory. Drink again. Titus O’Neil is his opponent. The Bunny plays cheerleader and distracts O’Neil. Slater misses a flying Lou Thesz press. The Bunny super kicks Slater. Party Foul for the win. Bunny Frog Splash. Has there been speculation as to who that is? Michael Cole wants to interview the Bunny. Renee Young makes me drink while talking to Roman Reigns. Orton has the venom, but he has the antidote as he cocks his fist. Is that brilliant and stupid at the same time?

I play much catch up as usual on the introductions for the main event. Roman Reigns takes over early. Randy Orton bails to ring side for more catch up. Orton tossed Reigns into the stairs to take control. Orton continues to take his time beating up Reigns. Drink again. Reigns misses a corner splash but still clotheslines Orton. Reigns slams Orton into the barricade. Orton hangs Reigns on the top rope. Another break. Orton wears down Reigns. They start slugging it out. Reigns hits a modifed flap jack. Samoan Drop gets two for Reigns. Orton shuts him down with a power slam. Reigns apron drop kicks Orton. Randy hits the back breaker but only gets two. Reigns goes for a middle rope jump and Orton turns it into a power slam. ORton hits the hanging DDT. Orton plays to the crowd. He goes for an RKO. Reigns turns it into a Superman punch. Kane & Seth Rollins hit the ring to attack Reigns. They lower the cage. Reigns recovers to toss Kane & Rollins out of the ring. Reigns starts to abuse Orton. Rollins hits a cross body from the top of the cage much better than Jericho. Orton starts to call off Kane when my DVR stops. Stupid angle to run over on. – Kevin

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply