Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

From gopixpic.com

From gopixpic.com

I’m in a small portion of Columbus residents who aren’t currently watching the Oregon vs Ohio State National Championship game at the present moment. It’s a good thing they start the games so late now that by the time I finish this column, I’ll be able to catch a majority of the second half.

I’ve already gotten sucked into the game. I need to know if I might find a burning couch in front of my condo tonight. (Next Day Note: I’m pretty sure the freezing cold temperatures helped. People got pepper sprayed but it didn’t look too disorderly.) I forgot this show is going to have even less star power because of the “firings” of Dolph Ziggler, Ryback & (Not so much) Erick Rowan. John Cena is quite happy with himself. Cena pointing out the hostage situation just in case the Board hadn’t realized that yet. Cena tries to sell crowd reaction to The Authority. So our Twitter account is going to matter now that John Cena said something? Cena is going to win the championship and sit at home like Brock Lesnar to protest the firings. Cena is not coming off as sincere. Stephanie McMahon & HHH come out. They pile on Cena. I know what they’re saying makes some level of sense but it’s just as transparent as what Cena is saying. We can only hope they’re hearing this crowd being silent. HHH makes a Lumber Jack match between Cena & Seth Rollins so that “it doesn’t get out of control.” WWE.com rumors say that every lumber jack match ends up getting out of control.

I’m going to have to flip to keep my sanity. That opening segment was brutal. Curtis Axel makes an appearance on Raw. “You don’t know what happened in the bottom of the pile” says JBL as lumber jacks are swinging and connecting with John Cena on camera. Why would the lumber jacks even think about assaulting Seth Rollins so that J&J Security & Big Show need to intervene? My brain wants to explode. Booker T is not much of an improvement over Jerry Lawler. I’ll give him more time to gel with Michael Cole & JBL. The entire heel roster doesn’t see Cena climbing the top ropes to cross body all of them including Rollins. Seth only goes for the buckle bomb which ensures a kick out. Michael Cole wins the award for being the first person to point out that the fired trio knew what they were getting into. It’s also a point of why didn’t they help Cena save Edge so that the Authority didn’t come back? They screwed themselves. Cena gets KO Punched by Big Show. The lumber jacks roll him back into the ring. Rollins makes the pin for the win.

Steph is talking to the Usos & Dean Ambrose. Oh Christ on a Pony, a doctor’s evaluation of Ambrose is upcoming. I can’t stop shaking my head so far this show. The Miz & Damien Mizdow congratulate George Clooney, I think. I’ve checked out. The evaluation starts. Ambrose needs to relax. (Next Day Note: I was amusing myself with some of the prior commentary but this whole segment was just terrible which in turn made my writing terrible.)

Tyson Kidd & Cesaro are a tag team. They are taking on Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods. Thanks for leaving New Day’s best wrestler on the outside. Booker T is looking for more attitude out of The New Day. Is he allowed to do that per WWE rules? JBL now thinks that John Cena is a loser despite being the biggest proponent of Cena winning big matches. New Day wins with their terrible finisher. Booker & JBL now speak glowingly of New Day. I give up on trying to make sense of the announcers. (Next Day Note: I give up on Xavier Woods, Big E, Cesaro & Tyson Kidd too. I gave up on Kofi a long time ago.) Am I going against internet protocol to say that Roman Reigns did the best “Macho Man”?

I want to FF Big Show talking. My solution is to get a beer. And to pay attention to Twitter after I got back. Roman Reigns shows up so Big Show leaves. As good as Reigns “Macho Man” was, his promo was equally bad. Luke Harper gets to job to Reigns. Big Show distracts Reigns from Superman Punching Harper. Reigns hits it after kicking out of a power move. Apron drop kick by Reigns. Harper super kicks Reigns. Harper goes for the big clothes line but gets hit by the Spear. Reigns wins. Big Show attacks after the match. (Next Day Note: Big Show has lost to every big name recently. I have no reason to fear he’ll finally get back on track against Reigns.)

The Miz & Damien Mizdow are going to be doing several “Golden Globes After Party.” I’m less than thrilled about this turn of events. (Next Day Note: At least they stopped at two segments. I expected more.) Naomi with one arm tied behind her back is wrestling Alicia Fox. I still haven’t watched Total Divas. I can only tolerate so much nonsense. I’m getting my fill on Raw. I have still only seen one good match when a person has an appendage behind their back. That was when Ken Shamrock wrestled Chyna or Jeff Jarrett. I’ll have to Google it later. (Next Day Note: It was Jarrett). Fox wins with an Axe Kick. Therapy Session Segment #2. Still not funny even if Hooo! got said.

Paul Heyman shows up with Brock Lesnar. They recite what he has accomplished in his career. Can not even the great Heyman rescue this dumpster fire of a show? Nope. He can’t do it.

One of the Usos is the winner for best “Ohhhhh yeah.” impersonation. Damien Mizdow gets to be entertaining while The Miz and Jey Uso wrestle. The Miz won for reasons I could care less about. The teams already had a feud.

Daniel Bryan comes out to entertain us. Stephanie comes out to belittle Bryan. He’s ready to climb the ladder all over again. Nice jab at the DVD by Bryan. Best thing of the segment easily. Daniel Bryan kicks Kane‘s ass when he shows up. Brock Lesnar says when “The Future” starts. Paul Heyman intercedes. They beat up Cena and go at it. Good segment alert.

Paige is taking on Brie Bella. They’re both wearing all black. Fashion faux p aux kids. The WWE has decided to drag down Paige into the train wreck that is Tyson Kidd & Natalya.  Kidd distracts Paige so that Brie can roll her up for the win. Paige slaps him and walks away. Natalya is amused. Bray Wyatt gets a promo because he won a feud only in the WWE’s eyes. He tells us to run. Great, more vague nonsense.

Randy-SavageThe Ascension takes out two jobbers quickly. I’m still confused by the announcers. I have no idea why JBL is so hard on them. The Fall of Man. Dean Ambrose is in charge instead of the therapist. Ambrose gets his papers signed. Thank you for the end of the therapist sessions. (Next Day Note: I know the WWE struck gold with Daniel Bryan & Kane but this was the opposite of that.)

Lana & Rusev thank John Cena for all he has done for them. The WWE pans to the three fans chanting “USA!” Ryback is spineless. Why is he addressing someone who is fired? Doesn’t the IC Title holder have something better to do? Dean Ambrose shows up.

The WWE is giving away Rusev vs Ambrose now? I’m mystified. Ryback is coming back, this could be Rusev’s next feud. Why now? Sling shot clothes line livens things up. Ambrose elbows a standing Rusev from the top rope. Now JBL is selling the ref needing to make the call for a stoppage. Chad Patton gives Rusev the win. This makes no sense in the context of wrestling. People are hurt like this in nearly every match.

Paul Heyman takes credit for Seth Rollins smarts. Rollins tries to jump in early. Heyman is not happy about Lesnar losing the belt while not losing. Rollins puts Heyman on pause. Rollins is using the MITB brief case as Plan B. John Cena finally pipes up and says he’ll pin Lesnar. Brock signs the contract. Rollins is going to give Cena strike three at the Royal Rumble. Lesnar suplexes Cena then Rollins. Cena AAs Lesnar through the table. Cena positions himself for a Curb Stomp. Rollins hits a Curb Stomp on Lesnar. He then celebrates. – Kevin

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