Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

From thenextweb.com

From thenextweb.com

I’m starting a good half hour earlier than normal. Time to catch up and have some social media fun.

We get the pleasure of having HHH & Stephanie talk about the Super Bowl. They’re so funny I want to lose my ears. (Yes, it’s hyperbole. It’s a writing convention. You don’t need to ask me if I actually removed my ears.) HHH is mad at The Rock. He’s also mad at Sting. Steph is mean mugging for the camera. It’s the main reason I loathe seeing them. They’re not cool, hip or any of the stuff they strut during these segments. Roman Reigns hits the ring when Steph questions whether he should be in the Wrestlemania main event. His family is the reason he shouldn’t main event Wrestlemania? Daniel Bryan comes out. Interesting timing. He wonders why he hasn’t had a re-match since his injury. Fair point. Seth Rollins comes to the ring before a commercial break.

My favorite type of opening to Raw, a double talking segment. Rollins is the victim in my malaise. HHH is supposed to be funny. Steph even funnier when the crowd feels exactly the way I do and sit on their hands. Reigns isn’t happy about having to take on Seth Rollins or Daniel Bryan at Fast Lane to main event Wrestlemania. Bryan backs up Steph’s point but acts like it’s nice. Reigns accepts the challenge. He also gets to take on Big Show again. Lucky us.

Big Show man handles Reigns during the break. Reigns kicks out after a distraction from J & J Security. Rollins whacks Reigns with a brief case. Choke Slam for the win. JBL tries to make sense of this senseless booking by saying that Rollins might win at Fast Lane because Reigns lost a meaningless match against the Big Show? I’ve stopped trying to make sense of JBL. HHH & Steph manipulated everyone. HHH is going to manipulate Austin just like everyone else. Why are they pretending like their plans can’t go wrong? I mean, it JUST happened. As in at Survivor Series. My brain hurts.

Curtis Axel has a mic. He was never eliminated because of a sucker punch. He wants justice. Axel points at the Wrestlemania sign. Dean Ambrose shows up. He beats up Axel and tosses him. Ambrose wants Bad News Barrett at Fast Lane. Lucky Dean gets demoted to IC Title strap territory. Ernie Ladd gets the spot for Black History Month.

The Ascension vs The Dust Brothers was so good on Smackdown, we get it on Raw. Goldust takes the pin today instead of Stardust. Booker T is going to bat for the Ascension. The Dust Brothers argue.

The Dust Brothers argue more in the back. Don’t call me Cody. Or Later. John Cena comes out. Cena has to talk about HHH & Steve Austin. He thanks Sting. He finally welcomes back Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan & Ryback. Stephanie gets to talk before any of those three. Ziggler gets to talk first. He takes on Bray Wyatt. Rowan gets to lose against Rusev. Ryback is in action next against Luke Harper. I guess they think we live in a universe where Harper has won a match of importance since becoming a singles wrestler.

Harper & Ryback go back to back on suplexes. Harper nails a drop kick to slow Ryback’s momentum. Harper hits a sling shot senton. Booker T is actually making a good point about being less out spoken about the baby face’s stance against the Authority to save themselves some hassle. The other two are too stupid to pick up on it. Harper gets a two count after a side slam. Harper kicks Ryback as he goes for the Meat Hook. He hits one moments later. Shellshock for the win.

Jimmy Uso is taking on Cesaro. The announcers are selling Cesaro & Tyson Kidd. I’m glad they’re being used for something. The tag team division could use them too. Cesaro is in control for the majority of the match outside of a over the top rope dive. Uso misses a splash. Cesaro Swing into a half Boston crab. You just had a hold of both of his legs! Cesaro stomp only gets a two count. A back elbow & Whisper in the Wind get Jimmy momentum. Cesaro comes from the top rope. Jimmy Super kicks him. Rikishi splash. Kidd distracts Jimmy for a moment. Cesaro gets up and nails him with a Super Upper Cut going for the splash.

The Miz and Damien Mizdow are starting their break up. The Miz ends up firing Mizdow. The Miz offers him a chance to be his personal assistant. John Cena gets a thank you speech from Erick Rowan. He wants to do Cena a favor tonight against Rusev. Even Cena doesn’t think he’ll beat Rusev.

Dolph Ziggler got his entrance before the break. Bray Wyatt gets the light treatment. The announcers get around to putting over Wyatt’s performance in the Rumble. I’m not sure why we’re this far into the match without anyone recommend Ziggler to try and out wrestle Wyatt. He does that for a moment. Wyatt is using a nerve hold. I hate it. Ziggler nails the drop kick. Wyatt rolls out of the ring. Wyatt suplexes Dolph to the outside. Break time. Wyatt hits his leaping elbow move. A name would be nice. Please. Jaw jacker by Ziggler. Wyatt misses a charge in a corner. Ziggler gets caught coming off the ropes.  Wyatt misses a back splash. Ziggler hits a neck breaker. Wyatt levels Ziggler with a clothes line. Big DDT from Ziggler. Dolph misses a splash. Wyatt doesn’t. Ziggler awkwardly kicks Wyatt in the gut. Dolph hits the Fame Asser. Wyatt turns around with a Sister Abigail for the win. Wyatt’s biggest win in my estimation. It’s a very ROH kind of finish. Both matches that have been good tonight have not involved The Authority or it’s interference. Just saying.

HHH, Steph and Seth Rollins are telegraphing that Randy Orton is returning tonight. (Next Day Note: That and a commercial telling me that Randy Orton will be in a six man tag match next week here in Columbus made me think it was coming true. I guess not. Will Orton be here next week? I’ve got no idea since I have tickets to watch the LA Kings play the Jackets.)

The Bella Twins are on the head set. Paige is taking on Alicia Fox. Paige screams in the Bella’s face. Michael Cole is saying that Paige is having “fun”? Huh? Brain cramp. (Next Day Note: Nothing has been fun about Paige’s character to this point in her WWE run.) It does a double cramp when Nikki says she respects Paige. You just ran her down! Paige rolls up Alicia for the win. Fox attacks after the match.The Bellas spray tanned Paige. (Next Day Note: Can we come up with even day time soap level dramas for the Divas instead of picking on skin tone? Or maybe Paige can tell them they’re going to die of cancer from the tanning bed? Would that be too much?)

The Miz is going to be on Sirens. I’ve heard good things about it. Still not watching. The Miz has a match. Damien Mizdow is continuing to mimic him. Sin Cara gets TV time. I’m having a hard time paying attention. I don’t care about either of them. Mizdow climbs the ropes. Miz yells at him. Sin Cara gets hung out to dry. The Miz goes on offense against Sin Cara. Miz tries to take the mask off. Why is this match still going? Mizdow jumps on the apron again. Sin Cara rolls up Miz for the win. Bray Wyatt seems to be setting up a match with The Undertaker. I mean, Taker takes this loss, right? The Streak is done. He can take another one.

Just like the Luke Harper vs Ryback match, you can bet on the guy with the R name to win. Rusev will likely get to dominate Erick Rowan. At least Harper has that going for him. Rowan passes out to the Accolade. Lana is going to invite us to a movie. Your streak ends soon enough Rusev. Sheamus isn’t American. Daniel Bryan sits down next to Roman Reigns. Reigns doesn’t get mad, he gets even. Reigns stops being moppy. Thank goodness. He was being a teenage drama queen.

I’m glad J&J Security are the only ones at ring side for the Seth Rollins vs Daniel Bryan match. JBL and Booker T have to act like every other fighting promotion that has ever had a title belt relinquished through injury don’t get re-matches. What a bunch of boobs. Bryan gets to sell the neck injury for the rest of his life. Bryan side steps a corner dive by Rollins. Bryan takes over shortly but gets planted into the turn buckle. Bryan ends up battling back. Rollins rolls through a top rope head scissors. Slick. Double drop kick on J&J. Rollins gets dumped outside. Bryan hits the suicide dive. Rollins crotches Bryan on the top rope. Bryan fights back again. Bryan gives Rollins a belly to back suplex. Rollins with a Buckle Bomb. Side kick by Rollins. Bryan kicks out at two. Bryan gets on the Yes Lock. Rollins tries to scoot back and finally does. Reigns comes out and spears Big Show. He stares down Rollins but spears Mercury. Noble gets caught trying to use the briefcase. Reigns Super Man punches Rollins. Knee Strike for a DB victory. Huh, no Randy Orton tonight. Why did they advertise him for Raw next week? – Kevin

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