Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 7 September 2015

The old B&O Railroad in Baltimore saved from

The old B&O Railroad in Baltimore saved from

Seth Rollins get to kick off proceedings since he’s in a championship pickle. I glaze over during the promo so the crowd helps confirm my feelings by chanting “You are boring.” Rollins is going to own Sting & John Cena at Night of Champions. Sting still has the Rollins statue. He dares Rollins to come and get it. Sheamus saunters out onto the ramp. They have a stupid off moment. He naturally warns Rollins that he could cash in at Night of Champions.

What we needed was more freaking Seth Rollins. He wonders to Stephanie if HHH had a plan. HHH sneaks up on Seth. He tells Rollins to not worry about the statue. HHH tells him he’s going to wrestle twice tonight to tune up for NOC. He’s going to take Ryback first. My DVR skips when the second opponent is announced.

Paige is taking on Sasha Banks with their respective teams at ring side. Banks looks better in red than paisley. JBL is still trying to push the Divas Revolution on the Bellas who have been around for about seven years. That is one terrible revolution. This match isn’t even in gear when it was ready to end last week. None of the announcers point this out. I wonder why. Paige is taking the beat down after the break. Sasha misses a charge into a corner. Paige hits her with a knee and a kick. Paige gives Sasha a wheel barrow suplex but can’t capitalize. Naomi comes into the ring. Sasha grabs Paige’s hair and wins with a small package. JBL finds honor in this. I’m bored with that type of angle simply because you don’t see that in any other sport.

Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns are taking on The Ascension. They have names before Los Matadores. Reigns gives Victor some type of T Bone Suplex. Superman Punch. Doomsday Device. Dirty Deeds. We’re done. Braun Strowman doesn’t blame they for being afraid. Bray Wyatt gives everyone a warning. At least the Apocalypse is only for Dean & Roman.

Ryback thinks Seth Rollins is a weasel but he has his own plan just like The Architect. Kevin Owens wishes Ryback good luck in his match. So this is how Rollins wins another match. The WWE goes TMZ with the Lana/Ziggler/Summer storyline. By definition, Summer Rae can’t be “crying wolf” if what she said is true. Morons.

Seth Rollins is taking on Ryback. Rollins keeps taking a break and talking himself up. The announcers are debating whether or not Sting stole the statue. I don’t want these legal scholars in my corner should I ever find myself in court. Delayed vertical suplex is met with not much fan fare. Rollins rolls out of the ring after a press slam. Ryback catches a diving Rollins. He slips out and pushes Ryback into the post. Rollins tosses him into the steps. Rollins connects with a top rope knee to the head. Ryback hits a power bomb but only gets a two count. Ryback misses a top rope splash and misses. Ryback keeps beating out the refs count. Meathook Clothesline. Rollins gets out of Shellshock. Sting comes on the Titantron with the statue. Ryback wins with a small package. JBL has to go back to complaining about these type of finishes even though he just approved it last segment. Byron Saxton and Michael Cole fail to point this out. Sting puts a Stinger mask on the statue. Rollins throws a hissy fit.

New Day and Seth Rollins are having a rollicking good time. Edge points out what Rollins did to him last time. Edge wants Rollins to finish what he started last time. New Day “got them” but Christian pulls out a kazoo. Edge chants “New Day sucks.” Big E breaks the kazoo. The Dudley Boyz show up. Their new song is “Break the tables.”

Summer Rae tells us that the last week has been her worst. Rusev is invited out. Summer Rae was in Iron Man Magazine because of her non-muscles. Rusev accepts her apology. Everyone was a victim of Ziggler’s including Lana. Dolph Ziggler has heard enough of the lies. Lana told Ziggler to give him a message. Ziggler super kicks him.

Sheamus and Randy Orton have their “rubber match.” Sheamus freaks out on the fans. Orton takes advantage and clocks him. Sheamus ducks a clothes line. He connects with an Irish Curse back breaker. Break. Cool lead up to the usual power slam by Orton. Sheamus starts barking at the fans again. It almost costs him. Sheamus hits the flying shoulder block. Orton breaks a modified Irish Clover Leaf by reaching the ropes. Orton starts the slow offense. He builds up to the hanging DDT. White Noise only gets a two count. RKO out of nowhere which should be trade marked. The Wyatt Family surrounds Randy Orton. They proceed to beat him down. Strowman shows off the strength last. If he was going to help Ambrose & Reigns, I wouldn’t now after they hung him out to dry.

The Dudley Boyz 3Ded Los Matadores. They beat up on El Torito to deserve being put through a table.

Cesaro gets to beat someone. His name is the Miz. Cesaro put on JBL’s cowboy hat to appear like he has charisma. The Miz does get in some offense. Miz rams Cesaro into the barricade. Big Show comes down and chases the Miz. He ends up getting counted out. Cesaro gets KO Punched. He has a not so great gig.

Alicia Fox & Brie Bella gets to introduce Nikki Bella. Charlotte informs her that the petition to beat Nikki before the longest title reign is in place. Charlotte locks in the Figure 8 so I’ve got the same feeling I’ve had for a while now, Nikki gets to break AJ Lee’s record undeservedly so.

Seth Rollins is teaming with New Day against The Prime Time Players and John Cena. Big E starts against Cena. He ends up taking a beating from New Day. Titus O’Neil ends up getting the hot tag. Xavier Woods gets on the apron to start a chain reaction that allows Big E to clock O’Neil. Super Cena gets back in. He can’t quite put away Rollins. Seth tags out to Kofi Kingston. Cena rolls through a top rope cross body into an AA for the win. Sting is back stage with a garbage truck. Everyone except the adults are entertained by the crushed statue. Apple Valley must have paid good money for that advertisement. – Kevin

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