Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 21 Aug. ’17

Photo by Lucinda Grange of a woman on the Chrysler Building in New York.

The WWE starts us off Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. Heyman reminds us that he gives spoilers. He tells us of the conspiracy of the WWE against Lesnar. Heyman tells us how much of a bad ass Lesnar is, which is incidentally why everyone likes him. They are going to get some mileage out of Roman Reigns being the one who took the pin fall. Hip fans are cheering as if that doesn’t mean Reigns will get that win back at Wrestlemania. Braun Strowman comes out as Heyman & Lesnar are ready to leave. They jaw but then Strowman power slams Lesnar. And a second. Strowman holds up the Universal Championship.

Big Cass comes out for his Street Fight with Enzo Amore. Enzo talks so that this segment isn’t really short. Enzo is still butt hurt. Cass looks nonplussed. Enzo brings out a shopping cart full of hardware. Cass attacks before he can use anything. Cass gives Enzo a chair but then boots him before he can pick it up. Cass misses a Big Boot and tumbles to the outside. Cass recovers before Enzo can grab the chair. Before Cass can drop the Empire Elbow, his knee gives out. The referee calls for the bell for an injury so Enzo wins. The announcers try to sell it but I’m not buying it as a legitimate injury. Why does this feud have to continue?

Emma congratulated Sasha Banks on social media but has the opposite opinion when she comes on screen bitching to Dana Brooke. She starts picking on her opponent Nia Jax who is just behind her. Emma is going to need CPR after their match, next. They give Emma a couple of basement drop kicks other wise, it’s a squash. Samoan Drop for the Jax win.

Elias Samson is still a thing. He’s singing about R Truth. They have a match this week instead of a beat down. It was close to that though. Drift Away for a victory that only took marginally longer than the previous match.

John Cena is on the Red Brand since he didn’t want to job to Jinder Mahal. Cena  came over because he wanted to be in front of a certain WWE Superstar. Roman Reigns music hits. Reigns is under the impression that Cena has talked trash about him behind his back. Just before they fight, The Miz, Maryse, Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel show up. He bitches like only he can do. Why didn’t he get a spot on Summerslam? Reigns was in a match with three other people so he wasn’t exactly hogging the spot light. Cena suggests a match between himself & Reigns and The Miz and Dallas or Curtis. Samoa Joe comes out to make the match interesting. Samoa Joe looks like he has a beef with Cena brewing. Nice. Or possibly Reigns. Still nice.

Drew Gulak, Tony Nese, Noam Dar & Ariya Daivari are teaming against Gran Metallik, Mustafa Ali, Cedric Alexander and Rich Swann. Everyone is getting chances so the announcers are acting like 205 Live is something new or something that isn’t getting enough eye balls. My vote would be Alexander for next challenger. Lombar Check for the win makes me think the WWE is thinking the same thing.

Neville talks down to Akira Tozawa and Titus O’Neil. They come into the picture and set up a Cruiser Weight Title rematch for 205 Live.

Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins are out together. They know Cesaro & Sheamus want a rematch some time. They invite them out but get The Hardy Boyz. They quickly agree to a match. They brawl. Matt & Jeff get the upper hand. Poetry in Motion over the top rope. Rollins pulls Ambrose away from a Whisper in the Wind. They start working over Jeff. A WITW does get an opening for Jeff. Matt gets the hot tag. Running bulldog on Rollins gets a tow count. Ambrose gets a tag behind MAtt’s back. Sling Blade a la the Hart Foundation. Double Suicide Dive by 2/3 Shield. Side Effect By Matt gets a two count. Ambrose sets up a Super DDT. Matt fights it but still gets knocked off the ropes. Ambrose dives over him. Jeff secretly tags in. Twist of Fate. Rollins takes out Matt and distracts Jeff. Ambrose gets his knees up on the Swanton Bomb. Rollins tags in Rainmaker Knee. Dirty Deeds DDT for the finish and Rollins cover.

The Miz & Tourage talk to Samoa Joe. He wants them to shut up and do their thing in the ring.

Sasha Banks says there’s no more Goddess on Raw. Alexa Bliss comes out. Bliss points out that Banks has never successfully defended the Championship. Bliss informs her that the rematch will be next week.

Finn Balor comes out to take down Jason Jordan. Balor has the upper hand early. Balor is working over Jordan’s leg. Jordan finally uses his size advantage. Balor gets back to the speed game. Balor connects with an overhead kick. Jordan powers Balor into the corner. It doesn’t do much good. Corner drop kick. Coup De Grace for the win.

The Miz comes out with Maryse & the Tourage. Samoa Joe is out second. John Cena is third. Roman Reigns is last. They feature the infamous beach ball more than the match. Stupid fans get this match up and crap on it. The crowd finally pays attention to the match. After taking a beating, Reigns single arm power bombs The Miz. Joe cuts Reigns off before he can tag out though. Joe gives him an enziguri in the corner. The Miz comes in and loses control. Reigns takes out Dallas with a Drive By and Axel with a Superman Punch. Cena gets the hot tag. Joe stops a 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Reigns mistakenly takes out Cena with a Superman Punch. Joe takes out Reigns then gets clocked with a right hand going for a suicide dive. The Miz doesn’t take advantage. AA for the win. – Kevin DiFrango

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