Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 18 Sept. ’17

Bobby Heenan
Credit: Courtesy WWE

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan graphic starts the show off. We can only hope they’re waiting to do a video of his greatest moments later in the evening.

Kurt Angle comes out and he’s excited about “No Mercy.” The Miz comes out with Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel. He’s angry about not having an opponent at another PPV. Angle announces a Four Way Match with Jason Jordan, Elias Samson and Matt & Jeff Hardy. The Miz calls Kurt Angle a dead beat a lot which doesn’t make any more sense this week than it did last week. Unless Miz has information that even Corey Graves couldn’t track down. Jordan comes out and confronts the Miz. He asks for Dallas & Axel.

Jordan is mad backstage. Angle tells him to focus on the task at hand and not at The Miz. Jordan goes back to the whispers. Angle again tells him to focus.

Why did Booker T salivate over Alexa Bliss tonight instead of Corey Graves? She is taking on Nia Jax. Bliss keeps on trying to get in cheap shots but keeps failing. Sasha Banks comes out and forces Bliss to come back to the ring. Jax flattens her on her return. Bliss gets an upper hand only to be dumb enough to go for top rope cross body. Samoan Drop for the win. Banks attacks after the match. Jax shakes her off easily. Bayley makes her return. She teams with Bliss & Banks to take on Jax. Bliss tries interrupt Banks & Bayley. They whoop her.

The WWE showed a bunch of tweets from wreslters about Bobby “The Brain”. Segments will continue the rest of the night.

The show Paul Heyman hyping Brock Lesnar early on. Braun Strowman gets his point of view in this video package too. I’m assuming neither of them are in San Jose.

I could really us for Cesaro & Sheamus to stop doing the Gotenks pose. They tell us the fans that they enjoy nostalgia acts too much including Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins. They come out to make fun of Cesaro & Sheamus. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson come out since they were supposed to have a match with C&S. To no one’s surprise, they all end up brawling.

Kurt Angle ends up making it a three team match. The first move that gets my attention is Ambrose being swung into the barricade. Gallows & Anderson end up working him over. Ambrose dodges a Gallows elbow to gain an opening. Rollins gets the hot tag against Cesaro. He slows Rollins with an upper cut. Rollins gives him a Buckle Bomb. Sheamus stops the pin fall and gets tagged in. Ambrose tackles Cesaro out of the ring. Rollins kicks Cesaro into Gallows & Anderson. They tag in. Magic Killer on Rollins. Ambrose makes the save. Ambrose then gets tossed into the barricade. Rollins is getting the beat down for C&S. C&S give Rollins a Flap Jack Cutter. Anderson makes the save. Ambrose gets a hot tag now. Ambrose gives Anderson a Superplex. Ambrose with a top rope elbow. Double suicide dives on opposite sides of the ring by Ambrose & Rollins. Things get crazy with all three teams. Sheamus makes an on the back tag. Ambrose gives Anderson Dirty Deeds. Sheamus comes in and tosses Ambrose out of the ring. Sheamus makes the pin for the victory. That match turned me around. Thought it started off slow.

The Miz is angry about Jason Jordan. Dallas wants his speech to be about them. Jordan doesn’t deserve their spot light.

We get another video package. This time about John Cena & Roman Reigns. Woof. I FF thru that one because the angle still doesn’t make any sense.

Goldust wants a second chance at Bray Wyatt. Kurt Angle tries to talk him out of it. Goldust doesn’t want to be a pawn in Wyatt’s game. Angle grants him the match.

Curt Hawkins is closing his star factory. He’s going to be a history machine now. His 114 losing streak is coming to an end tonight. Apollo Crews answers the challenge. Hawkins gets his knees up for the standing moonsault. Hawkins works him over. Hawkins gets a two count from a spine buster. Hawkins gets another two even with a handful of tights. Crews gives him the Spinning Power Bomb for the win.

Michael Cole asks Brock Lesnar how he feels being an underdog. Paul Heyman harkens back to Wrestlemania with Undertaker. Braun Strowman proves his words by his actions. Heyman says that you can’t prepare for Strowman because no one is like him. Strowman will stomp down Suplex City. Heyman says that Lesnar knows what it will take to put down Strowman now. Lesnar thanks Strowman for backing him into a corner because that’s when he’s at his best.

Roman Reigns wonders how he can be the next John Cena. He talks about his physical appearance. Reigns then gives us the video clip with Cena talking about The Rock and his Hollywood shenanigans. Reigns teases coming out but then tells us that Cena isn’t there tonight. Reigns says that the result of the match will be the same as that Wrestlemania except he’s going to lose to a different Samoan.

Renee Young gets to talk to Matt & Jeff Hardy. May the best Hardy win.

Bray Wyatt comes out. Dustin Rhodes is out next. Rhodes takes it to Wyatt early in the match. Rhodes even gets in a bulldog jumping off the stairs. Rhodes sets him up for Shattered Dreams then kicks him in the thighs. I’m still not a fan of Sister Abigail being an out of nowhere finish. Finn Balor pops up on the Titantron. He tells Wyatt about his inner Demon. If the Demon is the creation of the man, which one is worse? Probably his best promo on the main roster.

We get a nice video package that contain a lot of hi-jinks but not much Bobby Heenan talking.

Enzo Amore is ready to be the new Cruiser Weight Champion. Braun Strowman shows up and runs him over. He tosses Enzo into the ring. Chokeslam. Powerslam. Neville comes out for his match with Enzo. Red Arrow to be a complete dick. Enzo tells Charley that he will be ready to go. Gran Metallik is his opponent tonight. He got the early jump on Neville. Neville takes control on the outside. When he rips at Metallik’s mask, Metallik freaks out. Neville gets two feet up on a moonsault attempt. Rings of Saturn for the tap out win.

The Six Man match to take on the Miz at No Mercy is the main event. The Super Duper Power Bomb on Jason Jordan is the first big move of the match. The Hardyz team against Samson. They turn on each other. The Miztourage work together still. Jordan fires up on them. Double Northern Lights Suplexes gets broken up by Dallas. Jordan gets thrown outside. The Miz tosses him over the barricade. The Miz later breaks up a pin of Jeff Hardy after a Swanton Bomb. Jordan comes in and gives Axel a Neck Breaker for the win. So they’re sticking to baby face Jordan, huh? The Miztourage beats him down after the match. The Miz does some more talking too. Crazy how Miz is turning the whole new father thing into a heel thing. – Kevin DiFrango

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