News We Missed: Chris Sabin, Animal Planet, Randy Orton & Kelly Kelly

Since we haven’t had a news round up in a while, let’s move on for some small ditties. According to Prowrestling.net, Chris Sabin has torn his other ACL and will be out of action again. You’ve got to feel bad for this guy after being back for no more than two months to have it happen again. Granted, he wasn’t going anywhere since his partner in crime Alex Shelley bolted for some pasture that isn’t even as green as TNA. Maybe Sabin can help design TNA’s video game. Oh that’s right, they’re only good enough to have a board game.

Staying in Impact Wrestling, Eric Young will be hosting a program on Animal Planet called “Off The Hook: Extremes Catches”. His first episode will feature how he keeps catching a contract from Dixie Carter. In the second episode, EY will be explaining how he caught ODB as his wife. In the third episode, we’ll find out what Young can catch in his beard. By the time the fourth episode is ready to air, Animal Planet will realize they’ve wasted more money on EY than TNA so they’ll mercifully cancel the show.

Last but not least, both Randy Orton & Kelly Kelly are set to make returns to the WWE. Orton will be ready to go when the WWE visits Cincinnati for Monday Night Raw. I can’t wait for HHH to come out and rip on him for how skinny Orton has become during his hiatus. Kelly Kelly will be sleeping with the guys in the back starting this coming Monday. She will stick around long enough for the WWE to mention Maxim’s Hot 100 enough to make guys feel like that outdated magazine means anything. If you do like that magazine, I feel sorry for your penis when you jerk off. -Kevin

Headlines: Finlay to ROH, Maven arrested for drugs, Eric Young gets a TV show (not a Corky remake)

Trust me, Eric, we're just as confused as you are about this hosting gig. Then again, your look here makes Guy Fieri look like Bryant Gumbel, so you'll make a great host.

Wow, it’s after-hours news you can use! According to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar and backstage producer David “Fit” Finlay has signed with Ring of Honor. The signing makes perfect sense, as Finlay is a well-respected veteran, works tight and realistically without hurting others (take a note, Bob Holly) and is of the same generation, if not a smidgen older, than other recent ROH experienced cameos Lance Storm and Jerry Lynn. What else have we learned from this signing? If you are released from WWE but can work (see Benjamin, Shelton and Mondo, Mike), you may end up in ROH. If you are released from WWE because you love drugs and may die soon (see Angle, Kurt and Hardy, both), say hello to TNA.

Speaking of drugs, according to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar and “Tough Enough” winner Maven Huffman was arrested in Florida on drug charges, specifically “doctor shopping” for prescription pain killers. According to the report, Huffman was able to score upwards of 1,000 pills from multiple doctors. Remember when Maven was almost a huge star after eliminating Undertaker from the 2002 Royal Rumble? Yeah, well, like I said above, say hello to TNA! In future news, Kurt Angle was found rummaging through Maven’s bag, and when caught, mumbled, “Whah? I’m mot fealing hif pillf!”

And speeeeaking of TNA, according to Prowrestling.net, current fucking idiot Eric Young has been given his own Animal Planet television show. The show, titled “Fish America,” will highlight “creative, unexpected and dangerous” fishing techniques across the country. Maybe I can pitch a segment with my brother, who, honest to god, shocks worms out of the backyard and fishes with a screwdriver bolted to the end of an aluminum pole. The segment ends with my brother redeeming himself by missing the fish and harpooning Eric Young. -Eric

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