So about a million years ago, back in the early ’90s, I remember reading this Sports Illustrated column where the guy did a diary type piece tracking the several college football bowl games that were on in one day. And I thought it was funny, and well written, and a good concept, and so I decided to jack it for Stunt Granny on what is being hyped as the most important night in pro wrestling in god only knows how long. Speaking of long, that’s what this is. Here is my story:
7:00 p.m. I turn on Impact. Lord help me.
7:03 p.m. TNA has the worst announce team, maybe ever. And yes, I realize that David Crockett exists. The two idiots hype Bubba the Love Sponge as a new backstage interviewer. What an embarrassing name for a new viewer to hear.
7:05 p.m. Talking to fans about their opinions is always cringe-worthy. Bad idea. They’re most likely plants anyway, so what’s the point?
7:06 p.m. The Motor City Machine Guns come out to job in the red birdcage clusterfuck match.
7:07 p.m. Jay Lethal really, really sucks.
7:09 pm. Is that cage made of plastic? It seems awfully poorly constructed.
Me: Why are there so many people in this match?
Becky: Because zebra finches need to be in a large group.
7:11 p.m. Tazz: There’s so much going on – it’s hard to follow!
7:13 p.m. Homicide turns on his partner so that Vince Russo can ring in the New Year in proper fashion. Match is ruled a no contest. I have no clue what is going on in that ring. Fans chant “bullshit,” which sums things up nicely.
7:14 p.m. I still have no idea what’s going on. I guess Homcide is trying to scale to the top of a cage that doesn’t really have a top? He looks ridiculous in doing so.
7:16 p.m. Jeff Hardy comes out through the crowd. Does he realize the money match is him vs. CM Punk? Maybe he’s too high to realize that. Which: great idea for him to come to a company with no discernible drug testing.
7:18 p.m. TCU wins the coin toss and elects to receive. Go Boise State!
7:21 p.m. I slap myself on the forehead as I realize there is an actual wrestling show on right now and switch over to HDNet. They show highlights of the Austin Aries vs. Tyler Black match which ends in a 60-minute time limit draw. Looks good to me.
7:22 p.m. It’s going to be Rhett Titus vs. El Generico. There is an awesome spot where fans are throwing toilet paper at Titus and he kind of does a ballerina spin in it. He also sticks his hand down his trunks before offering up a handshake. I’m going to like him very a lot.
7:34 p.m. Trying to catch up after a phone call. Generico wins a decent match. Titus has a future. Cornette does an interview to hype the Pick 6 concept. He has some interaction with Chris Hero, who is channeling the WCW-Conspiracy Theory era Chris Jericho. Good stuff.
7:40 p.m. The Beautiful People are playing strip poker backstage. Good lord.
7:41 p.m. It’s already 7-0 Boise State! I can’t wait until the two play again next year, in the Chef Boyardee Spaghetti O’s and Meatballs Fiesta Bowl.
7:44 p.m. Back to ROH. The whole show is centered around the Pick 6 concept, the importance of wins and losses, and the significance of title shots. I’m in heaven.
7:46 p.m. Remember when WCW first started running Nitro, and one of the main reasons we thought it could work is because they just signed Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero and Dean Malenko, and could now feature this exciting young talent every Monday night? Well, all I’m saying is, this match (Davey Richards vs. Roderick Strong) should have taken place on Spike TV, not HDNet.
7:53 p.m. Dave Prazak mocks Hogan, brother. Strong wins what was a pretty decent match. A wrestling show with wrestling on it. I like it.
7:55 p.m. Hogan comes out to make his TNA debut. It will probably take him that long just to get to the ring.
7:56 p.m. Scott Hall and Sean Waltman are at ringside. They look vaguely of homeless person.
7:58 p.m. Hogan milks the crowd like a two dollar cow. Or something. I’m just going to switch the channel at 8, so he better start talking like now.
7:59 p.m. “TNA is gonna be the number one company in the world!” Good luck with that.
8:00 p.m. Time for Raw, and not a moment too soon. They start off with the Bret Hart video package.
8:02 p.m. “We want Bret!” They get him. He looks like an unholy amalgamation of Vince Neil and Ozzy Osborne. Time is not always kind.
8:05 p.m. “Well, I guess hell froze over!” He ain’t kidding. He calls out Shawn Michaels, and this is as excited as I’ve been about wrestling in 10 years. Maybe more.
8:14 p.m. Bret offers his hand to Michaels, and he accepts. Shawn fakes going for a superkick and they hug. For the bazillions of shoot angles Russo is invariably going to run tonight, *this* is the most real wrestling will ever get.
8:16 p.m. Bret calls Vince out to the ring, but nothing happens. Awkward.
8:17 p.m. Is Sting seriously back up in the rafters pointing the bat at people? Give me a break.
8:19 p.m. Boise State 7, TCU 0 with 11:19 left in the 2nd.
8:20 p.m. Josh Mathews asks Vince why he didn’t come out to the ring when Bret called him out. “I just left a meeting.” How late are WWE’s meetings?! I wonder if Vince uses that excuse on Linda a lot. He says he’ll call Bret out to the ring later in the show.
8:21 p.m. So they’re doing a tournament to find a new divas champion to replace poor, miscast Melina. It’s going to be Maryse vs. one of the Bella hookers.
8:25 p.m. The Bellas pull the old switcheroo, but Maryse still kicks the fresh one’s ass and gets the victory. That was certainly enlightening.
8:30 p.m. Val Venis relives his past glory by joining the Beautiful People in their strip poker game. All the wit and charm this character had in 1998 was left behind. This is sad in the same way that it’s sad on Spongebob, when Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy pretend to still be crime fighters at the old folks home.
8:33 p.m. So it’s Jack Swagger vs. Carlito vs. MVP vs. Mark Henry for a shot at the U.S. Title with the Miz on commentary. Carlito would appear to be the designated jobber for this bout. Why is he wearing a full sleeve thing on his one arm? Someone test that man for heroin stat!
8:36 p.m. Oops. MVP pins Swagger. Carlito’s presence in the match was a red herring, as Swagger is clearly in the doghouse at this point. Maybe it’s because of his shitty hair?
8:43 p.m. The expected Chris Jericho-Bret Hart interaction backstage. It’s Jericho and Show against DX for the tag titles tonight, and Jericho wants Bret to come out and ring the bell for his team. Bret tells him he’ll have to win on his own accord.
8:50 p.m. Boise State is up 10-7 with 49 seconds left in the half.
8:52 p.m. Time for Jericho and Show vs. DX. I thought their last match was the last time ever? Now it’s last time ever for sure!
8:57 p.m. AJ Styles is just awful on the microphone. He’s the World Champion!?
Becky: Total Nonstop Action? Is today Opposite’s Day?
8:58 p.m. Back to Raw. Jericho cups his hand to his ear. If it wasn’t clearly already over, it would be officially on right now.
9:07 p.m. Crowd goes nuts for Hornswoggle spots and twin pedigrees. I don’t like it, but if it works it works.
9:09 p.m. Jericho kicks Hornswoggle in the head in an excellent spot. This leads to DX getting the victory, so now Jericho is done on Raw.
9:10 p.m. We mean it this time!
9:12 p.m. Randy Orton gets face time to promote his gas mask shirt. I mention it to get more hits on our website.
9:19 p.m. Hit the fucking gym, Joe. They show Eric Bischoff bossing people around backstage, and I mark out for TNA for the only time of the night. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Bischoff, especially that time when he was the GM of Raw and he bought commercial time on Smackdown. He disguised a Raw promo as a Subway commercial. It was incredible.
9:20 p.m. Some bitch is screaming at Uncle Eric. Apparently, Lashley requested to be let out of his TNA contract so he could compete in MMA full-time. She demands a meeting with Hulk Hogan. Bischoff tells her to take a hike. “You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to!” Um, who is he talking to?!
9:22 p.m. Back to Raw and Sheamus is insulting Bret. Out comes Evan Bourne and they actually let him talk. He’s not bad at that, either.
9:26 p.m. What a bunch of bollocks. The correct finish would have been to have Bourne win by DQ to set up the rematch. I don’t get it.
9:39 p.m. I’m running out of gas here, so I’m just on watch mode until something worth typing about happens.
9:40 p.m. This is the fourth time I’ve switched over to Impact and they’ve been on commercial. Oh well, their loss.
9:50 p.m. Kofi is a pretty great babyface. That development came out of nowhere. RKO finishes him off and Orton gets a big pop. It’s time to pull the trigger on the double turn.
9:51 p.m. I knew something was weird about tonight’s show. The Champ isn’t here. First I’ve “missed” him.
9:57 p.m. Tied up 10-10 with 30 seconds to go in the 3rd.
9:58 p.m. Back to Raw as McMahon comes out to have his confrontation with Bret.
10:05 p.m. They seem to have buried the hatchet, but it’s in such an over the top way that you just know one of them is going to turn on the other. Sure enough, Vince kicks Bret in the nuts to end the show. Perfect.
1:00 a.m. As I prepare for bed, I see Boise State won 17-10. Booyaka!
So, what did we learn? We learned that TNA thinks they can somehow win this war by marching out a bunch of has beens and never weres and having people recite the Gettsyburg Address instead of promoting wrestling. WWE wins, as if there was any doubt. I bet Bret is going to take great pride in smashing Hogan in the ratings. Now let’s never do this again.