Last night was my birthday (thanks for the wishes, the rest of you iz bitches), and so in between doing fun birthday things, I put myself through the torture of watching about 10 minutes of TNA iMPACT! I had to explain to my girlfriend Carly (who Jeremy doesn’t think really exists) that this is the minor league of pro wrestling. She even asked, “So, they’re not as good as WWE guys?” and “Do they get paid as much as WWE guys?” Good, a couple of short answers: “Nope” and “They shouldn’t.”
We had the misfortune of sitting through Abyss’ entrance and exit (Carly: “Hahaha, why is he breathing so heavily?”), a therapy session including Eric Young’s huge stupid bobblehead lying on Orlando “Don’t Call Me the Grape From Fruit of the Loom” Jordan’s bisexual lap, and somehow the worst of all, a promo with Robbie E and Cookie.
Now, I have no idea what 95 percent of their little snippet of a promo was, because I was trying to explain how TNA is chasing *all* of this mainstream coverage down with this horrendous angle, but I did overhear Cookie deliver one line that almost made me puke up my Ron Ron Juice:
“And then we’re gonna go out and party, like we always do.”
OK, TNA creative, you bunch of overpaid, untalented, half-assed hacks, listen up. I understand that Ric Flair used to tell the audience that he and the Horsemen were going to be at the Marriott in room 701, and all the ladies with their sweater puppies were invited. I understand that Brutus Beefcake would wax poetic with Gene Okerlund about cuttin’ and struttin’. Throughout time, wrestlers have talked about the fun they’re about to have, the extra-curricular activities in which they’re about to take part, and what have you.
But you never heard Flair say, “just like we always do.” You never heard Beefcake say, “Honky Tonk Man, I’m gonna cut your hair, just like I did to Barry O last week on Superstars!” You never heard Dino Bravo say, “I gonna bensh press 600 pound, just like I did in de gym last night!”
And most importantly, you’d never hear Cookie tell Pauly, “Let’s go to the club and party, just like we always do.”
You don’t have to be so fucking ham-fisted, heavy-handed and sledgehammery with your wrestlers’ promos. We get it, OK? I know either you think this is character development, or you’re simply not thinking at all. Maybe rather than slaving over a hot “Jerry Springer” episode waiting for the inspiration to write the next forgettable (or repressible) midcard angle and then scraping your half-cocked ideas together at the last minute to make yourself look like some sort of superhero, you bring us all back to when wrestling was a lot simpler, you write things a day or two in advance, and then you read it all back to yourself to see how stupid most of your stuff sounds. Because, trust me, it will.
Of course, if this were a direct challenge, I imagine you’d script yourself to breathe very heavily for 20 minutes, and then simply scream, “YOU’RE ON!”
(Which, by the way, received no reaction whatsoever from the crowd. Good job, dummies.)