We see your underwear! But not for long, brother!

(Author’s note: I am currently on furlough, which means, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this very corporate term, I can’t work for a week, and I also don’t get paid. Jeremy woke me up from my slumber to share this news with me, so I’d like to wish him a happy jump off a bridge.)

According to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan made a sex tape that is currently being shopped around inside the seedy world of grainy pro wrestling sex tapes. Oh wait, according to TMZ.com, Vivid is a major porn label. I think that’s like making the best hamburger in all of fast food; 10 million people do it, but you’ve managed to draw in enough desperate, confused young men into paying for it.

Anyway, we can think of hundreds of reasons not to watch this video, but here are five great reasons to seek it out as soon as it leaks on YouSendIt:

1) To see if the carpet matches the drapes. That is to say, to see if Hulk shaved his pubes into a fu manchu or even a skullet.
2) To see “unidentified brunette” Koko B. Ware jizz all over Hogan’s “IMMORTAL” back tattoo. Might as well be a bulls-eye.
3) It’s sure to be titled “No Holes Barred.”
4) To hear Hogan call a woman “brother.”
5) To make sure Ultimate Warrior’s sweaty, breathless, expletive-laden review is accurate. -Eric